gold coast doulas

Sasha Morozov of Sasha x Home shares top tips for transitioning back to work after having a baby.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you find your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas with Gold Coast Doulas.  I’m Kristin, and I’m joined today by Sasha Morozov.  Sasha is a former executive who holds a masters in social work and is the founder of Sasha x Home.  And when Sasha isn’t chasing after her two sons, she now utilizes her clinical skills to coach women who are killing it at work but feel like they’re failing at home to have more time, less clutter, and systems for a peaceful life.  Sasha believes that working moms are exceptional humans who are skilled, devoted, and unstoppable.  She’s spent almost 15 years working in the nonprofit field to help individuals and families create better futures.  Sasha is an avid minimalist, so we’ll get into that in this episode.  She’s also a productivity master and obsessed with organizing and designing people’s lives.  Welcome, Sasha!

Sasha:  Thanks so much for having me!  I’m so excited for us to connect and talk about going back to work!

Kristin:  Yes, such an important topic for our doula clients, our students in our Becoming course, and women everywhere.  I would love to hear your top tips on how women can prepare to excel at their careers after just going through the major life change of having a baby or adding another baby to their family.

Sasha:  Absolutely.  Let me tell you, one of the biggest things I want us all to really take in is the fact of going back to work as a mother is a new identity.  I think what happens a lot of times is that we’re so wrapped up in being a new mom or adding another child to our family, it becomes an afterthought almost of going back, and I’m here to say wait a minute.  This is huge.  Because think about it, the day you left for maternity leave, you probably had some ideas what it would look like, but now that you’re here, you may be feeling a lot of separation anxiety.  You may be just completely overwhelmed.  There’s so much going on.  So my top tips is really to be proactive versus reactive because, again, when we’re thinking ahead of time, it becomes so much easier.  In being proactive, one thing, one easy thing you can do is to make sure that if you’re going back, that the childcare transition and going back is not at the same time.  I think that’s a common mistake people make, which is that people say, okay, going back to work, you know, June 1st.  That means then baby is going to start daycare or have a nanny or whatever it looks like June 1st because they want that time.  And I’m here to say wait a minute.  That’s a lot of transitions all at once, ladies.  Come on!  It’s a lot.

Kristin:  For you and baby.  It’s a big deal, yes.

Sasha:  Yes, absolutely.  So when you have so much to think about for yourself – you’re nervous; you’re running around; you’re not in the right head space.  Your baby is going to sense that as well.  Versus if you’re starting childcare ahead of time, then you’re able to ease into that transition.  Maybe they go to daycare for half a day versus the full day.  Maybe you start to check in on them if it’s daycare or have the nanny there for a few hours.  You’re able to give yourself the breathing space.  Again, it’s all about the proactiveness.  So that’s a really big tip I try to always encourage people.

Kristin:  Super helpful.  Even the route to the daycare during your work hours, if you do a trial run with baby to see how long that’s going to take so you don’t show up late when you return to work.

Sasha:  Absolutely.  A test run is a must.  Those clothes on, that makeup on.  See how long all of that takes.  And again, we think about it in the context of how we were before.  So maybe we think, oh, it took me ten minutes to brush my hair and get my makeup done before.  And what I say now is that’s great.  It may still take you ten minutes.  However, who’s watching the baby during this time?  If you have somebody crawling next to you while you’re trying to get things done, it’s going to take more time.  So proactively thinking, what does it look like?  How can I be best prepared?  It’s really what I try to encourage everyone who’s thinking about going back to do.

Kristin:  Love it!  What’s your next tip, Sasha?

Sasha:  My next tip is what I call my secret formula, which is my 90-day rule.  My 90-day rule is that we give you the opportunity to transition for 90 days versus the belief that you’re just going to go in, day one, catch up on every single email, and be a super star at home and at the job.  That’s not realistic, and I don’t want that to be realistic, either, for people.  My 90-day rule is give yourself 90 days to transition.  The first 30 days is going to take time to catch up on everything at work and get in the groove of things.  The next 30 days is really going to be the time where you’re in it.  You’re really in it, and then you’re seeing how it’s going.  And the last 30 days is when you’re taking the time to make the adjustments that are needed.  So when you’re looking at it as a much longer process, then you’re able to give yourself a break, as well, that you don’t think, okay, I’m going to go back, and in a week, it’s going to be totally fine.  Give yourself 90 days because I want you to be successful.  Because guess what?  On day one, you might be thinking, why am I going back?  Oh, my gosh, I miss baby.  It’s awful.  But when you give yourself 90 days, you kind of give yourself that space and say, okay, let me see how I’m feeling by 90 days.  Let me see if this sadness is still a level ten as it is on day one, versus just thinking that we’re supposed to just, like, click and just be able to go back to work like nothing has changed, when everything has changed.

Kristin:  Absolutely.  Love your tips, and yeah, that mom guilt will eventually fade for most people.  Great advice.  What else do you have as far as that balance and really being able to achieve at a high level?

Sasha:  Yes.  Just thinking about the mom guilt: I mean, look, we all have it.  My boys are not even babies anymore, and sometimes I still feel guilty about having them still be in, like, afterschool versus just picking them up after school.  So again, that guilt, that’s going to be there.  However, I want you to think about, as well, when you’re preparing to go back, that this is the decision right now.  I think we get so caught up in the, well, I’ve worked hard for this position, or I got my master’s, so I need to work, and this is all it’s ever going to be.  And I say, look, this is the best decision for you and your family right now.  You don’t know what it’s going to look like in a year or two years.  So that way, you don’t have to feel as guilty because guess what?  Then you can set yourself up if there needs to be a career transition or a stay at home transition, whatever it is.  And the exact same thing on the other side.  For the women that are choosing to stay home, that is a huge job in itself.  We know that.  And I also have women that come to me and say, I’ve been a stay at home mom.  Now my kids are going to school.  I think I want to do something, and that’s where I come in and say, great.  You’ve had your chapter, and this is what you wanted at that time, and now you’re ready for a different chapter.  And all of that is beautiful.  That’s what life is supposed to be, that we go through ebbs and flows and things change.  Maybe you thought you’d be at your career for 30 years your whole professional life, and that has been the way it was, you know, years ago.  But that’s not the current climate.  We hear people all the time switching jobs.  It’s not about climbing the one ladder.  It’s like a jungle gym.  Sometimes you go a little bit here.  Sometimes you climb a little bit to the left, to the right.  It’s not just the straight arrow.  So I want us to really start thinking about all the different options and know that just because we’re making a decision today does not mean that that is the final decision ever for ever, ever, ever, and that’s it.

Kristin:  Right.  And so Sasha, this is a unique time with a pandemic and a lot of employees are still working either hybrid or remote.  So to handle that transition, do you have any tips, and what are you seeing right now with your coaching?

Sasha:  Absolutely.  So I can say that, you know, in the beginning when everything just shut down, we had no choices.  Right?  Our kids were at home.  If you were pregnant, you gave birth, you came home, and you were by yourself.  And at that time, everyone just had to figure it out, and that’s fine.  What I want to encourage people is that now that we’re at a little bit of a different time, even if you’re working from home, I highly encourage that you still have childcare while you’re working.  Because what I’ve seen a lot of times is women saying, oh, well, I was able to kind of just do it before, so I’m just going to kind of just do it now.  And that’s where I come in and say, guys, it’s not worth your mental strain.  It’s not.  It’s not worth your mental health.  Maybe you have a super flexible job; however, you still have a responsibility as an employee to complete the work.  So what I say is, you can do it without childcare at home, and at some point, we needed to.  We really just – we had no options, right?  Everything was closed unless you were in a privileged position where you still could have, like, a live-in or something like that.  However, most people were just like, okay, well, this is it.  But now we do have those options, and because we have those options, I think it’s amazing that so many women are thinking about jobs from home or remote work or part-time work because they want to be a little bit more involved.  I mean, how many of us want to sit in a car anymore and drive an hour in traffic when we’ve seen we can do the same job on a computer?

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  Right.  It’s not as productive, but at the same time, if you’re working from home, there’s always dishes to be done, or you might grab an extra snack, so there are distractions.  So again, you know, getting even working remotely, like you said, having childcare, having some systems in place, some support, whatever it might be, because otherwise, there are distractions.

Sasha:  Absolutely.  And there are just different distractions at the office, too.  Maybe you’re just chatting with your colleague, instead.  So I think it’s really about the routine, the schedule, and also the space.  I mean, think about it.  If you’re working from home, you’re in the same space.  Again, everybody’s different.  Some people are able to just close the door, and let’s say they have their child at home and somebody is watching them, a family member, a partner, a nanny, whoever.  And that child is screaming, and somebody could just be like, okay.  Just getting my work done.  And somebody has to be, like, losing their mind, right?  And the pull of that.  So what I try to say is, well, with that, a tip, is time block.  Okay?  So the idea of doing time blocks is that if you know – like, for me, if I’m writing, I need it to be quiet.  That’s it.  Like, I need a peaceful place, and guess what?  If I had younger children that were at home or too many distractions, then I would go somewhere else.  So I would know that, you know what?  Every Tuesday and Thursday, 8:00 to 10:00, I’m going to be at this coffee shop or be wherever, at the park even, depending on the weather, and just write.  Because I know if I’m home, I’m not going to be as productive, and I don’t want that, because I want to be able to sign off at the end of the day and not have to come back because I didn’t get things done.  So time blocking, understanding where your energy is during the day.  Some people are morning people, so they’re ready to go, and that’s the time that’s best for them to be most productive and get things done.  Other people are not.  Either way is fine.  Understanding how you work, when the best time is for you, when you’re working and energy level is there, and making sure to set up your environment for success.

Kristin:  Exactly, and like you said, when you have defined work times, then you’re not getting into an overlap with your personal time when you should be spending time with your family.  And so you’re not trying to meet a deadline at 7:00 at night when you could be putting your kids to bed.

Sasha:  Absolutely.  But then again, we live in reality, and what happens in reality is that things come up that we didn’t expect, or our supervisors need extra stuff last minute on a weekend or needs something, and that’s okay, too.  I think that’s where a lot of people come in and say, no, but you need to make sure you have these boundaries.  Of course you do.  However, if your job needs you, it needs you.  And I’m here to tell all those women, that’s going to happen, and it’s okay, because there are going to be times where your family needs you, and they need you, and that’s it, as well.  So give yourself a break because it’s not going to be a perfect science.  It’s not ever going to work to have a rigid schedule.  But what is going to work is knowing that where you’re focusing your energy is where it needs to be.  So if you’re just on Facebook all day, then that’s not where your energy needs to be.  If you’re truly working during the day and getting work done, but you have an extra hour that you need to devote more to work because there’s a deadline or whatever it may be, that’s okay.  Why is it not okay?  You know, our society is making us feel like it’s not okay because they want us to have this perfect, like, balance of one juggle ball is up, then the next ball, and it’s all just equal.  I’m saying that’s not how it works.  It’s never going to be equal.  It’s just not.

Kristin:  Right.  So I have a question for you, Sasha.  With your focus on minimalism, how can moms, especially a first time, when she has all these baby showers and she has all of the things, like strollers and high chairs and some things she won’t even use until a baby is one, maybe two – how can you minimize all of the clutter and distractions and have that space to breathe?  Because I know for me, if I have too much stuff and clutter around, it causes anxiety.

Sasha:  Absolutely.  Clutter is absolutely shown to cause stress, anxiety, and just an overall sense of heaviness.  That’s just how I feel when I see clutter.  It’s just a lot visually, as well as the actual stuff.  I always say less is more.  When you have less toys, it’s less things to clean up.  Absolutely, as a first-time mom, you don’t know, and even as a second-time mom, there were things that I was like, oh, I’m totally going to use this, or I know my lesson from last time, and then I didn’t, okay?

Kristin:  That’s why we always tell our clients to register for services like a housekeeper or a postpartum doula.  Anything that can actually make a difference in your life versus clothes they’ll outgrow or plastic, you know, things that sit around and you trip over.

Sasha:  Yes, absolutely.  Anything you can register for that will help your mental health and ease some of the outside things that are going on are beyond their worth.  And I know it’s cute to dress up a baby.  I love babies; they’re so cute.  And again, no matter how many times I can tell somebody you don’t need that much stuff, they’re going to have that much stuff, and that’s okay, too, because that’s where they’re at.  They’re excited.  Maybe somebody has been trying for a long time to conceive, and they’ve just been thinking about this and seeing those clothes in the stores and all of that.  And what I say, that’s fine if that’s where you’re at.  That’s why I do one on one coaching, to make sure that it’s really customizable to the person.  If that’s the type of person you are, what I would say is that’s amazing you have these beautiful clothes.  I want you to think about, who are you going to either gift this to, not as, like, pretend here’s a new gift, but like who else in your circle may be having the child next, so that way you’re prepared to do something about it versus letting those clothes just sit around, oh, they’ve outgrown it; here’s a pile of stuff.  Thinking ahead of time, and maybe there’s a charity that you want to look up.  There’s beautiful things you can do in order to donate or to give, whatever.  And that way even if it’s your first and you’re thinking, well, what about if I have a second?  You have a circle of, like, three other moms, and you all agree that, hey, next time one of us gets pregnant, we’re going to save this and give it back.  You already kind of have this theme so that way you can let go.  Somebody else is using it in the meantime, and it’s not just sitting in the attic, and you know that it’s going to come back around to you, as well.

Kristin:  Absolutely, I love that.  So yeah, blessing other friends with your clothing or items that won’t get used.  So lovely.  And then you can make room for more as you’re getting more clothes and have birthdays coming up.  I always have my kids give away toys and things before Christmas or their birthday to minimize the amount of things that we have.

Sasha:  Yes, especially when children are older, we do in our house one for one.  So if my child gets a toy, then what’s the one toy that they’re willing to give up or donate, whatever condition that is in.  So that’s kind of like a rule in our house, one for one.  And at the same time, what do you want your life to look like?  Do you want your life to look like that it’s filled with toys and stuff, or do you want your life to look like that it’s filled with experiences and memories?  So that again – for everybody, it’s different.  That’s fine.  Maybe somebody grew up not being able to afford – like, my husband and I were both first generation immigrants, right?  So we both came as we were kids, and we both came – you know, our families started from scratch; put it that way.  So we didn’t have the cool stuff.  We didn’t have – and I remember, when our child turned – our oldest turned, like, three or something.  My husband saw this, like, yellow Hummer, like one of those kid Hummers that they, like, sit in and drive around.  He was, like, we’re buying it.  I was like, what are you talking about?  This makes no sense.  He’s like, I remember – he was like, even though he came when he was older, he’s like, I remember seeing those and thinking like, oh, my God, like, that is so cool.  There’s no way my family could ever have that.  It was a big deal for him, okay?  I was like, all right, whatever, fine, you know?  So I get it that there’s different situations.  And even with those situations, you need to figure out when you’re comfortable to let go.  When you’re comfortable with, okay, this is taking over our own space and our own health and our own sanity.  More than anything, you’ve got enough going on as a new mom or being pregnant.  Now you have a room full of stuff for the baby?  That’s a lot to take in as it is.  So take a look at it, and maybe even just think about it.  Okay, this is for sure something that’s going to stay, and then make even just a maybe pile.  So go through that yes pile first.  Maybe you never get to the maybe pile.  But that way it’s just at least more clear for you as well, because you don’t need to keep every single pair of, like, the cute little baby shoes that you get because they’re not even walking.  So by the time they are walking, they’re going to be grown out of those shoes, but you’re going to get, like, five or ten pairs because everyone thinks that’s, like, the cutest thing.  And it is, but still.

Kristin:  So Sasha, in your four-step method, you focus on self.  So we’ve talked about some of that.  Home, relationships, and systems to help moms get started on a life they want to put on pause.  So you have talked about, again, a lot of the things, but I would really love to have some tips for the change in relationships and what you help your clients navigate after having a baby and how their relationship, whether it’s with a friend who’s child-free, their partner, colleagues, how things change after baby.

Sasha:  Yes, absolutely.  Relationships are so important.  You know, there was a recent study found that out of, like, 2,000 parents, 68% of parents felt that they really had lost their social ties or didn’t feel connected to their social relationships.  So I want us to be aware of that because I don’t want us to isolate.  I feel like today, the motto is, you have your nuclear family.  You have your, like, little family, whether it’s you and your partner and a child or just you and a child or whatever it looks like, and that’s it.  Where to me – I mean, I love the saying it takes a village.  It takes a village to raise a child.  And I feel like we have this notion of, like, we have to do it ourselves.  Like, no, no, no, I’m going to be the one that – and I’m saying, take a breath, okay?  Take a breath.  Let people in.  That doesn’t mean you take their advice, but just let people in.  Let go of things because no one is going to do it your way, and no one’s going to be you.  No one’s trying to replace you, either.  So when we’re thinking about relationships, how can we create more space for people to come in so we’re not as alone so we’re able to build a community, even building a community of other new moms who are going through the same thing?  I always encourage people to join, like, the mommy and me groups.  There’s mom meetups.  There’s so many ways to create that community.  But if we’re talking about relationships at home, one of the things I want us to keep in mind, when you are thinking or transitioning to going back to work, it’s the fact that, look, what happens is – what I see happening is that the woman is on maternity leave.  The partner is back at work before the woman, usually, before the mom.  And what happens is the mom ends up actually taking on more stuff at home.  She’s the one that’s like, oh, well, I’ll run this errand.  I’ll do this thing because I’m at home more.  I’ll just need to get out with the baby and all that.  And that’s all great.  Guess what?  Now your partner is used to you actually doing all of these things, right?  So unless you’re proactive in having that conversation about, hey, when I transition back to work, in that 90-day transition that you’re talking about, I know that it’s something that you’re probably used to me doing.  However, we need to talk about a better balance, a better way for us to get everything done because I’m no longer able to complete all of that.  Because what happens is then we’re reactive, and our partner says something and it triggers us.  We’re like, why can’t you do it?  And they’re like, okay, it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s just we’ve been the one that just naturally has ended up taking it on.  We haven’t had a conversation about letting go of it or changing the way something is done, so their expectation of us hasn’t changed.  It’s just that we’re still going to do it.  But ours has because in our mind, well, like, now I have so much to think about more because I’m going to be at work.

Kristin:  Right.  And our partners – I mean, they want to fix things, but if they – you know, given the opportunity to get a new plan in place, they think everything’s great.  So they have no idea that it’s causing extra stress to continue the different errands and tasks that you had on your plate prior to going back to work.  So it’s a great tip.

Sasha:  Yes, absolutely.  And the same thing using the 90-day rule: ask for help.  Let your community in.  Maybe you don’t have the best relationship with your sister or mother or in-law or cousin or whoever.  Is there any way you can let them in during that 90-day transition period, so that way it’s a little bit easier for you as all of this is changing?  Maybe they come over once a week and you’re able to get, whether it’s chores done or a massage or whatever it is, but just having that extra support for that 90 days.

Kristin:  Love it.  So any final tips for our listeners, Sasha?

Sasha:  I would just say think about life not as black and white but really living in the gray and that the pendulum is going to swing one way into having you be all thinking about work and then another way, which is thinking all about the home.  And I truly believe we are amazing humans who do so much, so we should not be putting more on ourselves or feeling guilty about the things when we are doing the best we can with the choices and decisions we have in front of us.

Kristin:  Beautiful.  So how can our listeners connect with you?  I know you’re on social media.  You’ve got a Facebook group, as well as your coaching program?

Sasha:  Absolutely.  So if you are a mom getting ready to go back to work or are thinking about going back to work, I actually have a course called Going Back To Work where we dive into what we talked about today but a deeper level.  And you can get that on my website.  You can also schedule a one on one with me.  Join the Facebook community for more lives and tips.  I would love for you to be in touch.

Kristin:  And what is the name of the Facebook group?

Sasha:  Yes, Moms Taking Their Lives To The Next Level At Home, because I know that we’ve done so much at the office, and when we come home, I want us to still be living our best lives instead of feeling like a second shift of work.

Kristin:  Yes.  Beautiful, Sasha!  Well, thank you so much for your time and wisdom.  It has been a pleasure to get to know you, Sasha.

Sasha:  Absolutely.  Thank you!  Thank you so much.  I love what you’re doing with this podcast, as well.

Kristin:  Thank you!  Take care.

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

 

Karin Freeland chats about her book, “The Ins and Outs of My Vagina: A Penetrating Memoir” with Kristin.  They discuss everything from body image to postpartum depression.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you find your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas!  I’m Kristin, and I’m joined today by Karin Freeland.  Now, Karin is a recovered corporate workaholic.  After years in high pressure leadership roles at Fortune 500 companies, she’s traded the boardroom for the bedroom in a hilarious tell-all book, The Ins and Outs of My Vagina: A Penetrating Memoir.  Karin recounts the mishaps and misadventures she’s had over the past 40 years with a special partner in crime, her vagina named V.   Women of all ages can relate to the raw and honest journey of first long-term relationships and finding pleasure.  Karin is also a speaker and certified life and reinvention coach focused on helping women transform their lives and achieve their dreams.  Through her signature Edit Your Life program, Karin offers one-on-one coaching, giving women all the tools and techniques needed to conquer fears and find their purpose.  Welcome, Karin!  So happy to have you here!

Karin:  Hi, Kristin!  Thank you so much for having me!

Kristin:  So let’s get into some of the topics that you cover in your book related to pregnancy, the postnatal phase, and anything else you’d like to share with our listeners and our Gold Coast Doula clients.

Karin:  Yeah, absolutely.  I mean, there is so much, and I guess I’ll just kind of back up for a second because a lot of women may be wondering, like, why would someone write a book called The Ins and Outs of My Vagina: A Penetrating Memoir?  And it might sound crazy, but it actually has everything to do with me getting pregnant because this is how the book was actually born.  So back when I was seven months pregnant with my first son who was born, I went to the OB, and she told me I needed to start preparing my body for birth.  And I was like, yeah, cool, I’m in a Lamaze class.  I’m good.  And she was like, no, no.  I need you to start doing – I think the proper term is perineal massage.  I’m not sure how you pronounce it.  But basically, that entails, if anyone hasn’t heard of this before, putting some olive oil on your fingers and stretching out the vulva to make way for the baby so you don’t tear.  I had never heard of this before, and I thought it was cray cray, so I was like, I’m not doing that.  But of course, I got bored on a Friday night, and my lovely vagina who is a character in the book named V sort of talked me into trying this.  So it was a disaster.  I mean, long story short, you can read all about it in Chapter 30, All Lubed Up With Nowhere To Go, but I just – I had no idea what I was doing.  I couldn’t get my fingers in the right position.  There was more olive oil on the floor than there was actually on me, and I finally called it a day.  And when my husband came home, he was like, what on earth happened in the bathroom?  Why is olive oil everywhere?  I mean, can you imagine this poor guy’s face?  Like, what is happening?  So I tried to explain to him really poorly about what I’m trying to do, and he just looked at me with the most serious look and was like, you know what you should do?  You should write a book, and called it I Don’t Know My Vagina, because it’s clear you don’t know how this thing works.  And, you know, he was right.  I don’t –

Kristin:  Most of us don’t.  It’s so true.

Karin:  Yeah.  And so it was like a seed that was planted, and I started thinking of all the stories and all the things that I could share with other women that I just didn’t know about going into pregnancy, and then what I would find out even more going through birth and after pregnancy.  So I spent a lot of my maternity leave writing this book, and then as you saw from my bio, you know, corporate got in the way.  I worked for another ten or so years.  And then finally in 2019, I picked the book back up and said, no, I have to finish this story.  So that’s kind of how the whole thing was born, and in it, you know, I really give women insight into some of the experiences that they will likely encounter over their life with their vagina.  So things like having pregnancy sex.  Like, who knew what kind of – what to expect with that?  No one talks about sex during pregnancy.  No one talks about ectopic pregnancy.  I’d never even heard that word before until I was sitting in the emergency room of a hospital being told that it was my situation.  You know, no one talks about postpartum other than, hey, there’s this thing, postpartum, and you should check a smiley face or a sad face on your six-week checkup or whatever.  But no one really told me what to look for.  What are the symptoms?  How does this really manifest?  No one told me about episiotomies and torn labia.  I mean, there was just so many things, and I was like, I have to warn other women so that they don’t end up in the same situation I’m in.

Kristin:  It’s the things you wish your friends would share with you, but it’s almost like we’re too embarrassed to discuss.  So as doulas, we talk about a lot of these things with our clients, but it’s not something they’d ever heard before.  So the fact that you were brave enough to talk about your personal experiences and use humor with a lot of really serious topics – it’s huge.

Karin:  Yeah.  Thank you.  And it was hard, especially the chapter where I talk about the miscarriage and having an ectopic pregnancy was hard to write in the sense that I didn’t want it to come off as too humorous or as cavalier.  You know, like, oh, here I am, just talking about losing a baby.  But I did want to keep elements of dark humor because that is my authentic response to a lot of trauma and tragedy is to find a way to just cope, and a lot of times my coping goes to sort of this, like, dark humor.  So I hope – I think from what I’ve heard, you know, that that’s kind of resonated with people, also, and made it sort of an easier read because it’s hard to read these types of experiences that women go through.

Kristin:  Exactly.  Yes.  So your read is light – I mean, it could almost be a beach read compared to most pregnancy and parenting books.  They can take a while to get through, and it can be boring at times.  But you made it really interesting and lighthearted.  I had so many laugh out loud moments.  So thank you for devoting the time it takes.  I’m working on a book project yet to be published, and I know the time that’s involved and balancing that’s required to be a professional and mother and everything.

Karin:  Yeah.  It is a lot for sure.  But when I started really writing it, when I picked it back up in 2019, it was such a fire in my belly.  You know, like, I was so inspired and just felt this draw every day to write and to get it out on paper that it was almost like another force was, like, taking me over and just had to get this story out on paper.  So, you know, I think everybody has kind of that different experience where it’s just like it was so easy to prioritize it because I was so called to it in that moment.

Kristin:  For sure, and I love how you broach everything from wanting your husband to be more of a hand-holder during your labors, and that is so common with clients.  Like, no, I don’t really want you to see baby get born.  Or some women are really wanting their partner to be there engaged in the process and don’t mind if he sees the change in the vagina during that time.  Or even like how you discuss having sex for the first time after giving birth, and even looking at your – you know, just taking a mirror and looking at the changes and the swelling and things, again, our friends don’t talk about with us.

Karin:  Yeah.  I think that was probably one of my favorite chapters to write was Hotdog In A Hallway, and that’s a chapter – the names of the chapters, they’re so fun.  So even if you just go read the chapter headings, you’ll get a laugh.  But yeah, that was such a fun chapter to write because it was such an unexpected experience.  You know, here you are.  You finally got the clearance after your six-week period to have sex, and my poor husband is, like, chomping at the bit.  He’s like a dog salivating at the door.  Can we do this?  And I’m like, okay, we can, but I need you to take it easy, buddy, all right?  Like, we’re not getting in there and, like, jackhammering me to death.  Like, we got to take it slow and, like, let’s just communicate and really kind of be on the same page here the whole time.  So he’s like, okay, no problem, I can’t wait.  The kids are in bed.  This is going to be amazing.  And of course, you know, you’re breastfeeding if you choose that route, and your boobs are leaking everywhere, and you’re trying to look sexy.  There’s this huge wet stain on your teddy, and they go to have sex, and it doesn’t quite meet your expectations.  And all of a sudden, you’re like, is this what it’s going to be like for the rest of my life?  Am I doomed to almost sensationless sex?  Or is this going to bounce back?  And there’s just so many emotions that go through your head in that moment.  Meanwhile, like, in my case, my husband’s, like, laying next to me with his hands behind his head like he’s on cloud nine, and I’m over here going, oh my gosh, my sex life is over.  This is ruined.  Is this – I was so confused by everything that was happening.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  Yes, it is different, and again, it’s not something that’s openly talked about.  So just the preparation, and like you said, I mean, I experienced the same thing with breastfeeding, and it’s like, oh, is the baby going to wake?  We have this small window, and I don’t feel sexy.  My body is still healing.  So there’s all of that.  But yeah, and just – I mean, a lot of women have body image issues, and they don’t even feel attractive, let alone feel like they’re ready for intimacy at that point.

Karin:  Oh, yeah, and I had mastitis twice with my first one, so it was like I had just kind of healed – oh, it was awful.  I mean, I couldn’t even stand up with him.  I was so dizzy, and I was afraid that I was going to drop him, and my husband worked nights.  So I would literally hold the baby in one arm and crawl across the floor from the couch to the diaper changing station and, like, change his diaper and then get back down on the floor and crawl back to the couch because I didn’t want to, like, fall over and pass out or something and drop the baby.  Which now I look back, and I kind of laugh at how ridiculous I must have looked, but, like, I was just so sick, and I had no idea.  I’m like, it’s a breast infection.  Like, I’m going to be on medication.  Like, why isn’t this getting better right away?  But it really took a tool.

Kristin:  It feels like the flu.  It’s very intense, and if you haven’t gone through it, to try to function as a mother, I mean, obviously, you know, in an ideal world, we’d have a postpartum doula or a mother or someone to help you during that time, but most of us just have to make do.  I suffered as well with mastitis.  It’s miserable.

Karin:  Yeah.  It really is.  And so just being able to talk about some of those things, and how I don’t know that I’m providing world class education over here, but just insight.  So if you’ve never gone through these things, you’re going to be so much better prepared for that.  And then if you’re going through it right now, you know, there’s that opportunity also to commiserate, and even if you’ve already experienced it, just looking back and going, oh my gosh, I wasn’t alone.  This was a normal experience.  You know, other people have gone through this, too.  And having that comfort and maybe some additional realizations about the relationship you have with your body, it’s a beautiful thing.  It’s a beautiful thing to be able to have those moments and those epiphanies and that camaraderie, if you will.

Kristin:  Yes.  And with your loss, I really liked how you took some time and advocated for yourself during a potential loss and really talked it over with your husband and got a second opinion.  So I really love when clients of mine feel confident enough to advocate for themselves.  So can you talk a bit about, you know, what really led you to call your provider and really get some time with the news that you received?

Karin:  Yeah, absolutely.  So in the book, I talk about both of my births, so my first son and then two years later, being pregnant again with my second son.  And with my second son, I took a pregnancy test, and I guess it was very early in the process.  So it said yes, you’re pregnant, the stick, but then when I got to the doctor’s office, they were like, eh, it’s not really that strong.  It’s kind of inconclusive.  Like, let’s send you to the hospital because I want to make sure that we don’t have another ectopic situation on our hands.  And so of course I was feeling really deflated, like oh no, not again.  I don’t know if I can handle going through this again.  Why is this happening?  What is wrong with my vagina?  Why can’t it get its act together?  I mean, there’s all the feels.  But I also didn’t want to freak out and get overly emotional because I’m – for all I knew, I was going to go there, and they were going to be like, everything is fine, and it was just a precaution.  And while I was sitting there and they’re doing the test, you know, which took longer than I thought that they should take, so I was definitely starting to get concerned, they came in and said, yes, we indeed believe that you do have another ectopic situation on our hands.  And I instantly was just crushed.  I mean, it’s amazing how our vaginas are the source of sometimes great pleasure, great –you know, the sexiness, and sometimes frustration or sometimes they gross us out, and also this great source of pain sometimes and trauma and devastation.  And I just was really feeling that devastated moment, but I don’t know if it was an inner voice, because really, the next step was to terminate the pregnancy right then and there.  You know, that’s what they wanted to do, and maybe it’s from some of my religious background; I don’t know.  I just had this gut feeling that I can’t go through with this right now.  If this ultimately is what we need to do, it just feels too inconclusive.  You know, the tech, who I think isn’t really supposed to talk to you when she’s doing things, but she’s like, it could be a burst cyst.  It just didn’t feel like there was enough conviction from the people around me saying, yes, this is 1000% ectopic, and this is what we need to do.

Kristin:  Right, to save your life, so sure.

Karin:  Yes.  I just felt like I need to reach out at least to my husband to start, and he was very much like, no, like, don’t do anything.  He really backed me up and was like, let’s talk to the doctor.  Like, just wait and see.  Don’t do something right now.  So I called my doctor, and of course, she was gracious enough to say, I believe you.  If you don’t feel confident in this, let’s hold it out, but just know we’re dealing with a potentially very serious issue.  If you really are ectopic, we’ve got to do something before this becomes life threatening to you.  I was like, that’s fine, but I don’t think we’re at that stage yet.  It’s that early in the pregnancy.  You know, the fetus is still very small.  Just wait even 24 hours.  I just need to sleep on this.  And fortunately, we ended up waiting, and it was not ectopic.  And that for me is, like, just – it blows my mind that Ryan might not be here if I had followed that guidance on that day.

Kristin:  Yeah.  I mean, you know your body better than anyone else, and you got a second opinion.  So you gave yourself a little bit of time, and yes, it was risky, but what an amazing story.

Karin:  Yeah, thank you.  And sometimes I forget, like, that that even happened, and so writing that story was like, oh my gosh, yes, what if other women are in similar situations, and they read the book?  They decide to advocate for themselves and save their baby’s life or something.  The ripple effect that this one story could have is just amazing to think about.

Kristin:  Exactly.  So getting into the postnatal phase, Karin, what did you do – I know you talk about intimacy and so on, but really, getting into body image, how did you in small ways start to encourage yourself and help yourself to feel beautiful other than trying on some clothes that fit pre-pregnancy and trying to take a few minutes to do your hair and makeup and whatever with a new baby?  But I would love to give our listeners some tips on feeling good about yourself after baby.

Karin:  Yeah, absolutely.  Some of that was a lot of self-care.  You know, I took the time to go get my hair done and get my hair cut and colored, and some of those external things that do seem so superficial, but it is what made me feel closer to my old self, you know, and that person that I used to be.  And I remember being in the hair salon, and my breasts were so engorged, I literally had to go stand in the sink of the bathroom and squeeze my breasts out and just, like, dump the milk because I was like, I can’t sit here for another hour with this hair color on my hair.  It hurt so bad.

Kristin:  Yes, it’s painful!

Karin:  Yes, again, something no one told me to expect.  But so much of it came down to just reminding myself that it’s okay that I don’t look the way I used to look.  I gave birth.  I brought a life into this world.  And that little life does not care if I have 15, 20 extra pounds on me, right?  All that little life wants is love and affection, and I can do that regardless of my size and my appearance.  And it’s sounds so cliché, right, and it’s such an easy thing to say, but sometimes it’s very hard to put that into perspective.  And so little things like just looking in the mirror and saying, like, you’re a great mom.  Keep going.  You’re going to get back in shape.  Finding ways to, like, work out, and it didn’t have to be, like, going to the gym for an hour because as a new mom, the chances of that happening are probably really low.  It’s like, hey, I’m just going to grab my hand weights and I’m going to put my hand weights in the TV room, the den where we hang out most of the time, and when he’s sleeping, I’m just going to do, like, a couple reps.  I’m just going to tone up my muscle again.  Didn’t have to be crazy, but those little things, and just showing myself love was so helpful.  And I was very fortunate to have a husband who was also very supportive, and so, you know, he would kind of say things like, I think you’re beautiful.  Don’t worry about it.  You’re always in shape.  You’re going to lose the weight.  He was just very supportive, and if I was like, hey, I don’t want – don’t buy any chips this week at the grocery store, or don’t bring ice cream in the house, and he’d be like, okay, no problem.  You know, he would kind of support me in that, as well, which was really great.

Kristin:  Nice!  So any tips how to, with the change in the relationship, whether it’s baby one or baby four, how to keep the romance and the relationship a priority?  With the new role of parents or adding yet another child to the family.

Karin:  Oh, yeah.  There is something so important about that communication and keeping the intimacy alive.  Remembering why this baby is here in the first place: because of your love for each other.  And I think it’s so tempting for us as new parents to just prioritize the baby and forget about our spouse.  And so I would have to – I tried to be cognizant of that and ask him, like, am I paying you enough attention?  Do you feel like I’m prioritizing you?  And if he would say, no, like, we haven’t spent enough time together this week, or we haven’t been intimate enough – okay, great.  Here’s what I need you to do.  Could you help me with the dishes, and I’ll get the baby into bed?  That way, we can go upstairs and have more time for each other.  It’s a great way to also rope them into helping you and doing stuff if they’re not – if you don’t feel that they’re pulling their weight.

Kristin:  That’s perfect.  I love it.

Karin:  Yeah.  Keep that communication open, and really just remember why you’re together in the first place.  It’s totally normal for women not to feel super sexy right after they’ve had a baby.  Like, that is also part of evolution.  We don’t feel sexy because back in the day, like in the caveman days and stuff, we were breastfeeding and we were doing other things and we didn’t want to have another baby right away back to back, so it’s kind of like nature’s way of preventing that from happening right away again.  Maybe for you it’s also like turning off the lights.  Or I wore a shirt for a while after I first had the baby because it just made me feel more comfortable, especially because I had a diastasis recti and hernia and so was just kind of like – my stomach was just sort of hanging there, and it didn’t matter how much weight I lost, it wasn’t going to go back to the way it used to be until it was fixed.  So, you know, you can do the little things that allow you to keep the intimacy but also make you feel comfortable.

Kristin:  Exactly.  Love it.  So any final tips for our listeners, Karin?

Karin:  I am just so appreciative of the opportunity to share this story today because I think a lot of people still look at the title, The Ins And Outs Of My Vagina, and they assume it’s just going to be a collection of conquests.  You know, people that I’ve been intimate with.  And really, it’s not.  It’s just sort of a beautiful story about our relationships with our vaginas and all the different things we go through on our journey to womanhood.  And I would just tell women out there, like, if you’re going through something, chances are you’re not alone.  You know, there’s really very few unicorns out there.  We’re not that special in that way.  We’re all going through something similar, and it’s just a matter of finding that trusted resource and people that you can speak with, whether it’s your doula, whether it’s your doctor, whether it’s a girlfriend, someone at your work even or in HR.  Wherever you are, there’s someone else who’s probably gone through something very similar and can support you in that moment.  But we have to be brave enough to speak up in the first place to find that connection and that person who can support us.

Kristin:  So true.  I love it.  You might have to do a second book later in your life on menopause and entering that stage.  That would be really fun.

Karin:  Oh, my gosh, yes.  I’ve already got the title.  The Ins And Outs Of My Vagina: The Second Coming.  That’s what I’m thinking of.  Yes, because I am starting to go through perimenopause.

Kristin:  So am I.  It’s such a whirlwind.

Karin:  It is.  Make it stop.  How do we make it stop?

Kristin:  Exactly.  Yes, I need a book.  So get it out there!  So how do our listeners find you?  How can they buy The Ins And Outs Of My Vagina?  I know you’re on a lot of different social media sites, so feel free to share.

Karin:  Yeah, absolutely.  So the book is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.  Pretty much anywhere books are sold digitally, you can grab it.  There’s an ebook or paperback depending on what your preference is.  I am on social media as Karin Freeland, on Twitter and Instagram.  I have a Facebook page for my business, Karin Freeland Life Coaching.  And of course, you can always go to my website for all things life coaching and book related.

Kristin:  And before we go, fill us in a bit about how you work with women as a life coach and who your ideal client is.

Karin:  Yeah, absolutely.  So I spent many years in corporate, and towards the end, I just felt like, what is my purpose?  Why am I here?  Is it just to make PowerPoints all day?  There has to be something more.  But I felt very stuck.  I didn’t know what that was.  And as I started writing the book and totally revamping my life, I realized that I could actually help other women who felt stuck and frustrated and knew that there was more to life but didn’t know how to go after it.  So I developed a program called Edit Your Life, and Edit is an acronym for envision the goal, document, invest in the goal, and take action.  And I really walk my clients through a six-month program to help them get clear on what it is that they want out of life, map a plan to achieve it, help them own their power, overcome any of those limiting beliefs or things that are really holding them back, and hold them accountable for actually taking the action that they commit to so that they can bring those goals to fruition, whatever that is.  Whether it’s getting promoted in corporate, leaving and starting their own business, being a better mom, dating.  I’m helping one client find a date.  So typically, they’re women between 35 and 55 who are just ambitious, hungry go-getters but are just feeling a little lost right now and want a little help getting that direction set.

Kristin:  I love it.  So it covers pretty much everything, like you said, from dating to motherhood to career changes and aspirations.  That is amazing.

Karin:  Health and fitness.  There’s so many aspects of things that need to be good in our life in order for us to have a happy life.

Kristin:  Yes.  So true.  Well, thank you, Karin.  It was lovely to chat with you, and when you get your next book out there in the world, let me know.  I’d love to chat about it.

Karin:  Yes, and thank you so much for reading it, and thanks to everybody for tuning in and learning about it!

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

 

Lisa Sugarman, author of How To Raise Perfectly Imperfect Kids, discusses positive parenting and balance with Kristin.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you find your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas!  I’m Kristin, and I’m so excited to chat with Lisa Sugarman today about parenting and the power of positivity.  Lisa is a parenting author, a nationally syndicated humor columnist, and a radio show host.  She writes a syndicated opinion column, It Is What It Is, and is the author of How To Raise Perfectly Imperfect Kids and Be Okay With It: Untying Parent Anxiety and Life.  Welcome, Lisa!

Lisa:  Thank you!  Thanks so much for having me!

Kristin:  Let’s get into it!  I love talking about positive parenting.  What are some of your tips for parenting young children or new parents starting off this big transition?

Lisa:  Yeah, it’s a scary transition.  We’re just as new at all this as our kids are, and that’s the thing that we tend to forget when we have our first children, at least.  We’re so excited on the fact that we’ve got to teach them everything.  We’ve got to empower them in all the ways.  We completely forget about the fact that we’re complete newbies to the whole parenting game ourselves, and it can be really challenging.  It can be really debilitating.  It can be just a really hard road to navigate when we want to set ourselves up for success right alongside our kids, but we’re all kind of learning as we go.  One of the best things that I’ve found as a mom and through all the work that I’ve done with parents over the years: it’s really just a matter of your attitude and just giving yourself permission to be that newbie and to learn and to screw up and to change course and to just try and set yourself up in the best way that you can to be successful as a parent.

Kristin:  What are your tips for starting that relationship strong, especially in the toddler stage when infants are learning so much about boundaries and themselves?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Lisa:  I think the idea of cutting everybody some slack just from the very beginning is something that is a really powerful tool.  I think we get so wrapped up inside our own heads about kind of our kids toeing the line and us making all the right decisions and not fumbling the ball, but the fact is, we do it, and they do it.  And I think that if we can encourage our kids to go for it in whatever way they want to go for it, at whatever age they are at the time, whether it’s getting on your little scooter or whether it’s getting behind the wheel of a car, we need to empower them that occasionally it’s not going to go right, but that’s okay.  That’s really okay, and it’s really all about maintaining that positive attitude, that even those screw-ups are so valuable.  I think that’s one of the greatest tools that we can give to our kids and that we can utilize ourselves as moms and dads.

Kristin:  Yeah, giving them freedom to make discoveries on their own versus helicopter parenting where we’re hovering and trying to make sure they don’t fall, as you said with riding the bike and so on.

Lisa:  Yeah, because the fact of the matter is, we’re going to make those mistakes and those bad decisions and have those dark moments or those scary moments, and I think they’re tempered an awful lot by that power of positivity that we’re talking about because if we’ve been in a situation before that maybe didn’t work out, as a parent or as a child, and we understand that there’s another side to it, that we kind of have to navigate through the crappy part to get to the potentially good parts or figure out that what we just went through didn’t work, and how do we make it work.  By staying positive and kind of taking our learning from the things that didn’t go our way, we can kind of transform those things into that resilience that allows you to kind of power through and keep going.

Kristin:  Great advise.  Lisa, what are your thoughts on just changing the language as you’re having these teaching moments with kids and using positive words and affirmations versus anything as simple as, you know, “stop fighting.”  What would you use to replace some of the common parenting terms?

Lisa:  It’s hard because we’re all so naturally inclined to be like, cut it out or you made a mistake or that was a bad choice.  I think we’re just hard wired, a lot of us.  Just human nature hard wires us to blurt those things out, but we do need to soften things, and I think that for me, what I always tried to do with my own kids was really lead – and again, we just lean right back into positivity.  You lead with what was good about what they did.  What was helpful about what they did?  Good for you for trying that thing that you just messed up on, or you tried a new way and it didn’t work, or you tried a new way of, I don’t know, talking to a friend who you’re having a challenge with and it backfired in your face.  You maybe just didn’t follow the rules and you misbehaved.  Instead of hammering our kids about the things that they did wrong, try to kind of dig through that and get to the part that maybe is worthwhile, the parts that are helpful, and celebrate those things.  And then just watch your tone.  I think sometimes it’s not even what we say sometimes as much as it’s how we say it.  So even if you have to have a tough conversation with your child, start with that positivity, and then you just make sure that your tone is one that maybe is not necessarily approving, because maybe they did do something they shouldn’t have done, but you’re not chastising your kids.  Then they’re just going to shut down.  At whatever age, your kids aren’t going to respond if they think you’re screaming at them or you’re barking at them or you’re dictating to them.  So I think leading with whatever it was that they did that was positive and then just make sure you’re soft about the way that you have a conversation.  And maybe ask them.  And this is age-appropriate, too; if you maybe have a tween or a younger child who you can have a conversation with, ask that child, what do you think just happened that shouldn’t have happened?  Put it on them so that maybe you’re not the one giving the bad news or the hard feelings, and maybe let them do a little bit of soul-searching themselves to figure out what didn’t go right.

Kristin:  I love it.  So you use a lot of humor in your writing and on your appearances.  What role do you think humor can play in positive parenting?

Lisa:  I think it plays as much of – you know, the overarching umbrella of positivity is, I think, our biggest crutch.  Being able to laugh at all the stupid stuff that happens as a parent, I think that’s absolutely as clutch as anything else that we can lean into because how many times have we gone somewhere or done something or had an interaction with someone, and it’s just gone completely off the rails in a way that you just stop and think, this isn’t even possible, how badly this is going right now.  And we’ve got two choices in those moments.  We either kind of let it take us down, or we understand that it’s part of life.  Stupid things will absolutely happen, an stupid and silly, and it’s not to say that we have to make everything a joke, because everything is definitely not joke-worthy, but at the same time, too, we have to be able to laugh at ourselves.  Especially on the days when you’re struggling just to get up out of bed in the morning because maybe you were up with one of your kids late and night and you try to get dressed and you spill your coffee on yourself.  You can take that in one of two ways.  You can let it just take you down, or you can just look at yourself and say, well, just another day in the life of being a mom or being a dad.

Kristin:  Exactly.  The spit-up when you’re out in public or the diaper blowout.  There’s so many hilarious moments, if you look at it that way, of course.

Lisa:  Yeah, absolutely, and I think when we do choose to look at it – and it’s a choice.  We have to make that conscious choice to kind of frame it.  It’s the whole idea of, ugh, I have to do this, versus, oh, I get to do this.  It’s all how you spin it and frame it, and the more often that we can laugh at ourselves – because we’re all going through the same stuff.  We’re all dealing with those diaper blowouts and the vomit and the ridiculous moments, and we think that we’re not because parenting can be so isolating.  You’re kind of in your own little bubble dealing with your own stuff, and you forget that moms – millions of moms everywhere, dads everywhere, are covered in vomit.  It’s strength in numbers for sure, and there’s humor all over it.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  So how do you get both parents on board with positive parenting?  Many couples have different styles individually in parenting.

Lisa:  Yeah, I think getting both parents on board with just being positive is kind of symbolic of just getting both parents on board and cohesive in your parenting styles.  You really just, I think, have to kind of have a united front and really do a lot of really good communicating as a team, because that’s what you are.  It’s definitely a collaboration between both caregivers, and I think just talking about your approaches and being unified in your approaches and when a situation comes up, and it could go either way, you could just get furiously mad or completely flip out.  I think a good tip, and this is something that my husband and I do all the time – we still do all the time, and our daughters are 21 and almost 25.  If one of us sees the other one completely overreacting or maybe underreacting and we know that we’ve been consistent in a certain way that we parented, we’ll kind of nudge each other or we’ll take each other side.  We’ll give each other a gentle reminder of, like, hey, look, we kind of agreed that we would do this in this situation or this in that situation.  So I think it’s just staying unified and really communicating with each other about kind of what your core values are.  And when you can both recognize and appreciate how much positivity and humor plays into parenting, then I think you just kind of play off of each other, which my husband and I have done that for 25 years.  It’s a great alternative to being completely wrapped around the axle all the time, which is the other kind of state of mind that I think parents end up in so much of the time.  So we kind of nudge each other and remind each other to just see how dumb certain situations can be and laugh about it.

Kristin:  I love that.  And then also I think it’s key to get other caregivers on board with your parenting style, and as you said earlier, communication is key.  So not only with your husband, partner, but if you have a nanny, or sometimes grandparents are helping caregive.  So just really getting everyone on the same page.

Lisa:  Yeah, and I mean, the more consistent we can all be as kind of that big overarching unit of people who takes care of your kids – you’ve got teachers; you’ve got, like you said, caregivers and relatives and friends.  The more we can all be unified in the way that we interact with our kids, the better because it’s so hard to parent kids when you’re getting mixed messages, when mom says one thing and dad says the other; grandma lets you have free range.  I think there are a lot of parents who get very, very, I guess, timid about telling people how they want to parent their kids.  Like, for instance, parents who have, for instance, live-in grandparents who are an incredible source of help and support, and yet I see all the time – I am affiliated with some websites and portals and platforms where I talk a lot to new mothers who are struggling with the fact that maybe they live with their in-laws or family members and people are undermining their authority or their choices, and it can be really hard to voice that opinion and hold that line in terms of, like, hey, this is actually my child, and this is how I’m choosing or my partner and I are choosing to parent.  So it’s really important to have those conversations, and there are ways to do it, which goes back to what we talked about a few minutes ago as far as, you know, it’s what you say and how you say it, and I think if you’re gentle in the way that you have these conversations with people around you, people are going to understand.  You know, this is what you want; these are your expectations, and you just need to honor that.  You need to make sure the people who are helping you honor that.

Kristin:  Yes, exactly.  So what are your top tips for new parents to, again, begin applying positive parenting very early on?

Lisa:  I think one of the biggest things that a new mom or dad can do as a parent is actually take care of themselves.  Living in such a world of self-care imagery and self-care opportunities, and it’s wonderful; it’s amazing.  It’s so important just as a human being, but it’s even more important as a parent who’s responsible for taking care of a young child because it’s hard.  It’s really, really hard, and it’s frustrating, and it’s messy.  And like we said, it’s chaotic.  But when we’ve taken care of ourselves, and when we’re at least recharged and refreshed and our own basic needs are met, we’re going to be way more effective as moms and dads.  We get this brand new baby home or even have this young child at home, and everything is focused on this child and care and teaching and guiding and nurturing.  And we’ve, like, forgotten to eat breakfast and lunch and haven’t put on deodorant and forgot to shower and – you know, like, all these things.  And it’s the old oxygen mask in the airplane analogy.  And there’s no better analogy to describe the need for that as a new parent because they have you put on that oxygen mask first because you’re no good to anybody around you, let alone your small child, if you aren’t capable of functioning yourself.  So I think that’s one of the biggest tips and takeaways that I would hand off to a new parent.  And the other thing that I think is equally as important: don’t compare yourself to people around you.  Don’t compare yourself to the other moms and dads who are around you because that’s just – it’s a total trap, and we all fall into it.  You know, we compare our kids to the little kids on the playground and the moms to the moms on the playground and it just – that will crush you.  It will absolutely crush you because you can’t parent your child like another parent can.  And you can’t be the same kind of influence and have the same kind of successes that other families have because it’s a different family.  It’s a different dynamic.  There are different issues.  You’ve got to kind of just walk your own walk and learn to let go early on, I guess, is the way I would distill that tip down.  Just let it go.  Do your thing your way to the best of your ability for you own little family because you’re not in somebody else’s house under somebody else’s roof.  It’s yours and your house and your family.

Kristin:  I feel like the social media pressure to be perfect, whether it’s Instagram or Pinterest, that comparison game can really be a joy-killer.  So I love that.  We’ve all got struggles, despite what appearances may be.

Lisa:  Oh, yeah.  And I’m glad you said the social media piece because that nowadays, that plays such a massive role in kind of breaking people’s spirits, breaking parents’ spirits because you see all these videos of the moms who have redone their refrigerator with 7,000 different snacks, and everything is organized in a certain way, which is great; don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for food porn; I love it.  And organizationally, that’s my thing.  But you’ve got moms out there who can barely pour a bowl of cereal because they’ve got four kids and they’re working from home and two kids are in school.  So we need to kind of celebrate our own little wins and not spend all of our time looking at the perfect images that everybody’s putting – they’re curated.  Those are cultivated.  People are not putting themselves on social media at their worst and more disorganized, chaotic moments.  They’re putting them on when everything – the light is filtered just right and the fruit is just perfectly ripe.  It’s not reality, most of it.  You know, there are a lot of people out there who are being super real, and I love that, and that’s what you should be paying attention to, the people who are on social media kind of like tears in their eyes, saying this is really hard, and I buttoned my pants today and put on makeup and that’s my win for the day.  You know, that’s it.  And that’s the stuff we should be focusing on.

Kristin:  Exactly.  So how can our listeners get in touch with you?  You’ve got so many platforms, and of course, your book?

Lisa:  I’m kind of all over the place, actually.  I mean, anybody who wants to find out what I do can just go right to my website.  Or you can find me on Amazon.  All of my books are on Amazon or Barnes & Noble or in the stores where books are sold.  I’m on Instagram @lisa_sugarman and Facebook @thelisasugarman.  And I’m kind of nomadic.  I pop up everywhere.

Kristin:  I love it.  And of course you’ve got your radio show, and you’re making appearances everywhere.  You also mentioned that you’re on multiple platforms, so are you partnering with other sites, then?

Lisa:  I am.  I actually have done quite a bit of partnering over the years.  I work for – I write for and help develop content for a very cool platform out of Houston, Texas called SocialMama that’s kind of like Tinder for moms.  It helps moms connect with other moms based around their area and their kind of geolocation area, and also moms that have unique needs, like maybe you have a child with autism or you have a child with severe allergies or you’re looking for someone who can really relate with you and kind of the parenting journey that you’re on.  So I help with content creation there.  I’m one of their parenting experts.  I also partner with a company called Helpen that is helping families teach children kindness and generosity and gratitude and empathy through prompts at the dinner table.  They’re like little postcard prompts at the dinner table and through micro donations that you give to nonprofits, teaching your children how to pay it forward, and I do a lot of content creation for them, as well.  And then our radio show that I do with my co-author, Deb Gansenberg, is Life Unfiltered, and you can find all the episodes on iTunes or IHeartRadio.  We’re all over the place.

Kristin:  Amazing.  Thank you so much for everything that you shared with us.  These tips for positive parenting are amazing.  I will share the resources and some of the platforms you’re involved with, not only with our doula clients, but also our Becoming A Mother students.  I think they would be very interested in the SocialMama platform.

Lisa:  That’s great.  Yeah, they’d love it.  They would absolutely love it.  They’re a great resource there.

Kristin:  Thanks so much, Lisa!

Lisa:  It was my pleasure!  Thanks for having me!

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

Kristin and Ameya Duprey discuss the root causes of postpartum imbalances and how to heal them.  Ameya is an Ayurvedic practitioner, postpartum doula and author.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on SoundCloud, iTunes, or wherever you find your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello, hello!  This is Kristin with Ask the Doulas, and I am joined today by Ameya Duprey.  Ameya is a postpartum doula trained in traditional Ayurvedic care, and you’re also a massage therapist, an author, course creator, and so many other things.  Welcome, Ameya!

Ameya:  Thank you so much.  It’s really a joy to be here with you today.

Kristin:  So I would love to hear how you got into the important work of supporting women with traditional methods of healing.

Ameya:  Yeah.  So it all started with my Ayurveda training.  I became an Ayurvedic practitioner first, focusing on detoxification of the body.  It’s called panchakarma.  So I did that for many years, but while I was getting that training back in 2000, I became pregnant with my daughter.  So I had her really young.  I was 22 when I had her.  But I did have some Ayurvedic training already, but it honestly wasn’t enough.  When I had her, I had lots of problems myself.  I didn’t really know about Ayurvedic postpartum care.  I had a friend who was an Ayurvedic postpartum doula.  They’re called Ayur doulas.  And so when I was three weeks postpartum, she came over and offered me a massage, which was really wonderful.  And it was at that time that she put this – planted this seed, where she was like, why don’t you do this work?  Why don’t you become an Ayur doula?  And at the time, I was totally overwhelmed and just had a baby.  You know, she was colicky.  My birth was super difficult, and all this stuff.  So I filed that away for later, and then in 2011, Ysha Oakes, who is the only woman teaching Ayurvedic postpartum care in the country – I knew about her, but she came to Grass Valley, California, where I live now and lived then back in 2011, and she offered a training to become an Ayur doula, so that’s when I did it.  And for me, between my own personal journey with postpartum healing and recovery and how difficult it all was for me, between that and the knowledge and work that I was already doing with Ayurvedic and detoxification therapies – it’s funny because recovering from birth is the opposite of detoxification.  It’s rejuvenation.  But some of the techniques and therapies that are used are actually similar.  So in that time frame, I guess back in 2005, I became a massage therapist to complement and legitimize my detoxification work because it involves oil massage, what they call abhyanga and other things.  So it just was very easy for me.  I love food, and I love healing the body with food.  And Ayurveda is known for that.  It uses – that was the thing that originally got me into Ayurveda was being able to use the spices in my kitchen to heal and balance the body.  I just was really excited to learn the work and just knowing how little information there really is about how to actually heal from birth.  So that is how I got into being an Ayurvedic postpartum doula and have been working since then, seeing clients in their homes, and then back in 2017 was when I started my blog, Shakticare, and started trying to get the information out there to the masses of how to actually heal your body with natural methods from birth and make a full recovery.  Since then, I have an online presence, as well, and have been – I created my book, Mama’s Menu, which is an Ayurvedic postpartum cookbook, and I also have my online postpartum recovery program now, Fully Healed Mama.

Kristin:  That’s amazing.  We really don’t have access to resources like yours in Michigan, so I love that you had the insight early on to really create this comprehensive blog and resources for women no matter where they live.

Ameya:  Yeah, and that’s the thing because there’s only a limited supply of Ayurvedic postpartum doulas, and they’re not cheap, either.  It’s important for mamas to be able to access that information wherever they live.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  So what are your top tips for healing in the postpartum phase for our listeners who may not be, again, familiar with Ayurveda?

Ameya:  Yeah.  So Ayurveda, for those of you who don’t know, is the traditional healing science from India that dates back at least 5,000 years, since before really the written word.  And so there’s an Ayurvedic way to do everything.  Between the food that you eat, the exercise that you do, to the way you heal your body after birth.  And if you have heard of Ayurveda, you may have heard of the three doshas, and three doshas are – you know, they are body types, but they’re also just made up of the five elements.  So in Ayurveda, there are five elements instead of four.  Space or ether is the fifth one.  So it’s space, air, fire, water, and earth.  And when you have a baby, all mamas have the same imbalance, and that is the vata imbalance, which is made up of the air and ether elements.  So those are out of whack, out of balance after birth, and so that is the main thing that we need to work on to bring back into balance.  And how air and ether elements manifest in qualities – so we can just say vata to make it a little more easy, but they have – vata consists of certain qualities, like cold, light, mobile or changing, irregular, dry, for example.  So after birth, all of these qualities manifest in your body, like cold, for example.  Through the process of birthing, you’re expelling so much energy to birth creation into this world, so your whole body goes cold.  That means your digestion goes cold, but also you have, like, bad circulation, and your whole body is cold, and so that is something that is the case for everyone.  And so the best way to deal with that is to bring warmth back into your body.  So with your diet, you need to rekindle your digestion so that you can digest your food and nourish your body and nourish your baby if you’re breastfeeding, and you need to make sure that you have – you’re staying in a warm, cozy room and taking hot baths and drinking only warm water.  If you give birth in a hospital, don’t let them feed you ice water.  It’s really bad for you.  Yeah, your system is very sensitive after you give birth, so you have to pay attention to that.  It’s another quality of vata that gets imbalances.  So it can manifest, for example, making you feel out of it, spacey, your mind all over the place kind of thing.  And so that – you can help that by eating grounding foods and putting heavy blankets over you, and even having some warm oil on your head.  Anything that you can do to help ground you will really just help in general after you give birth and your recovery.

Kristin:  And as you mentioned, massage with the warming oils and things.

Ameya:  Yeah, absolutely.  And this other quality, mobile or just change, there’s just so much change in your hormones, in your body, in your family dynamics, in your partner dynamics.  It can just be really overwhelming and hard to process it all.  So routine is crucial after birth.  That way you can – again, it’s about grounding everything and so that you’re not, like, wondering what you should be doing next every single second.  A lot of mamas experience lots of anxiety and definitely worry and everything after birth, and honestly, that is just a manifestation of vata.  Anxiety is a classic manifestation of vata, and of course, after you have a baby, then there’s just – it’s different.  What if something happens to me?

Kristin:  So many different thoughts, for sure.

Ameya:  Yeah, so many different thoughts.  I think every mama has that thought.  So yeah, just so much change, and to recognize that, and there are things that we can do to help that, and having a healing routine is really helpful to be able to just kind of ground that and not have to worry about what you’re doing next and just get settled into that routine.

Kristin:  Perfect.  So outside of your blog, what other resources would you recommend for women who wanted to learn more about ways that they can cure imbalance and heal?  Your website is your primary source, and can they find resources on your master class and the cookbook and so on, directly from those sites, or how do you best suggest we all connect with you?

Ameya:  Yes, my website does have everything on it.  I do highly recommend my free master class on how to heal from birth without feeling stressed out and exhausted.  It’s a really valuable training that I feel like every mama should watch.  There, you’ll learn three mistakes that most new mamas make and how to avoid them, as well as learn about my natural recovery method that I’ve created.  The natural recovery method is something that all mamas can do anywhere in the world, and you don’t have to have me as your personal Ayur doula, but it does come from my personal work, working with mamas in their homes.  And so I just simplified it and created a system that can work for all mamas everywhere.

Kristin:  Beautiful.  And you mentioned that your cookbook is part of that, so they can get more information?

Ameya:  Yeah, my cookbook, if you end up deciding to join my program, Fully Healed Mama, my cookbook is one of the free bonuses, and you get a physical copy.  It doesn’t matter wherever in the world that you live; it will be sent to you.  And I know getting a physical copy of a cookbook is really, really nice.  Most mamas prefer that, so that’s why I do that.  If you only wanted to get the cookbook, then you can do so from my website, which is the best way to support me, as well as my daughter who did all the pictures and the editing of the book, so it is a family affair.  That’s wonderful, and then you can get it also on Amazon if you’d like.  I do have also electronic copies available on Amazon for Kindle and also on iTunes if you wanted to just get the ebook version.

Kristin:  Lovely.  And you’re also on social and other channels, so Instagram and Facebook?  Can they find you on other social media networks?

Ameya:  Yeah, I’m on Instagram.  My handle is shakticare.  And on Facebook, you can find me at myshakticare.  And that’s really if you want to have a direct conversation with me, you can just give me a direct message.  I’m on my devices a lot, so I’ll get it.  So that’s really – if you have any questions, that’s a really great way to get a hold of me.

Kristin: And again, you offer virtual consultations, so if someone wanted to work with you direct virtually, that’s certainly an option beyond your master class, correct?

Ameya:  Yes, yes.  I do offer one on one sessions, and you can find that information on my website.  I offer different packages depending on what your needs are.  And then my online program, Fully Healed Mama, is a wonderful program.  It’s definitely my best value.  And not only do you receive all of – I teach you how to fully heal from birth and feel amazing again, even better than before you were pregnant is the feedback that I’ve gotten, but also you do have access to me daily, actually, in my – we have a private Facebook group with my Fully Healed Mama program that I answer questions every day, and I also do – every three weeks, I do live Q&A calls.

Kristin:  That’s incredible.  Well, thank you for sharing all of your amazing resources, and I will have to pick up a copy of your book.  I’ll make sure to order it directly from your website, and I so appreciate your time, Ameya.  Thank you for again chatting and sharing all of your resources.

Ameya:  Yeah.  It was really my pleasure.  Thank you for having me.

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

Kristin chats with Naomi Coe, founder of Little Crown Interiors and author of Your Perfect Nursery about nursery trends and nursery safety.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode wherever you find your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas.  This is Kristin, and I’m here today with Naomi Coe.  Naomi is the founder of Little Crown Interiors and the author of Your Perfect Nursery.  Her design studio focuses solely on nursery and child spaces, blending together beauty, functionality, and safety.  Naomi’s work has been featured widely in print, web, and on television including Domino, People Magazine, HGTV, and many more.  Little Crown Interiors is located in southern California and also does e-designs across the US.  Welcome, Naomi!

Naomi:  Hi, thanks for having me!

Kristin:  So excited to chat with you.  So let’s get into some of the topics related to nursery design and prepping for baby.

Naomi:  Yes, so as you mentioned, I specialize in nursery design, and it’s a very interesting specialization because I’m dealing primarily with first-time parents.  So there’s a lot of kind of specialized information.  There’s a lot of safety and functionality that goes along with it.  So it’s very different than typical interior design for a living room or a kitchen or things like that.

Kristin:  That makes perfect sense.  So what are you seeing to start out with trends that are coming up with nursery design, and what is out there as far as the newest furniture pieces or accessories for nurseries?

Naomi:  So there’s good news and bad news.  The good news is that there is so much out there now, and any trend that you see that you want to take part in for your nursery, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to find pieces and décor that fit with that, and that’s also kind of the bad news, which is that there’s just so much out there.  And a lot of my clients come to me, and they’re just completely overwhelmed.  So if there’s a specific style or trend that they’re looking for or that they’ve saved some Instagram images, then I definitely can help guide them towards that.  As far as trends that I’m seeing now, I would say some of the bigger ones are definitely neutrals, and that goes both for neutral color palettes and also gender neutral spaces.  We’re seeing a lot more of just those colors, the soft, you know, whites and creams and layered texture, but then also a lot of parents who are choosing not to find out the sex of the baby or who want to specifically not plan around that.  So those are both things that I’m seeing a lot of in the last six months to a year, which is kind of exciting, I think, especially the not working specifically within the gendered baby idea.  So it doesn’t have to be pink for girls and blue for boys anymore, which is great, and not only for just the well-being of the families, but also for creativity in the space.  It lets you out of the box.

Kristin:  Definitely.  And then if your clients end up wanting to expand their family and keep that room as a dedicated nursery, it could work with future babies, as well?

Naomi:  Exactly, yes.  It’s much more versatile.  And I think that versatility has really become something parents are looking for post-COVID.  I’ve noticed this switch whereas before a lot of people were more open to very individualistic spaces, and now because everyone was forced to stay at home for that period of time, everyone’s looking for versatility.  How can I use this space for multiple functionalities?  Maybe it’s going to end up being an office.  Maybe it’s going to end up being a shared room, all of this stuff.  So that versatility is something people are very aware of now.

Kristin:  That makes sense.  So as far as your clients that are on a tight budget, what are the things that you would most recommend spending your money on versus what you can find a different way to either do it yourself with some of the décor items, or what is worth hiring a professional, whether it’s a painter or whatever it might be?

Naomi:  There’s a lot of wiggle room there because the bare bones nursery as far as just the items you need, and when I say need, I mean, you know, for function and safety, there’s very few things.  So a lot of the rest of the nursery ends up being décor and things that just make you feel good.  So of course, my job, being an interior designer, is to make the space feel really nice for the client, and the budget’s going to get allocated depending on what they think that means.  So I have clients who find a crib that they just are obsessed with, and they have to have that crib, and it’s expensive.  So then we can do non-custom window treatments, or we can do art work from Etsy or things like that to kind of layer in.  No problem at all with doing some pieces that are splurge and some that are save, assuming of course that they’re safe.  So as far as generally, I would say the crib and the changing table or dresser and your glider, so the three kind of cornerstone pieces, should be good enough quality that they’ll last, because you don’t want to end up in a situation where you have to just buy new furniture in a couple of years, which ends up costing more.  So the crib, you might not use for too long, but you might get one that’s convertible, which means it can turn into a toddler bed and then give you a couple more years, but you want a piece that’s strong enough to hold up to a toddler who might chew on it or jump around on it or all the things that toddlers do, and the same goes for the dresser.  You know, they might slam the drawers.  They might try to climb on it.  You want a piece that’s going to be sturdy and not tip over because that’s of course a safety issue, especially with lighter weight dressers.  So you want a heavier, good quality dresser; strap it to the wall with earthquake safety straps, things like that.  The glider is really just the piece that you as a parent are going to spend a ton of time in and fall asleep in and do midnight feedings in, so you want to make sure that it is comfortable and a nice piece that you can really enjoy.  So that’s my advice for splurging.  Everything else can be worked around, I think.

Kristin:  And then what do you see as far as clients who want to room in initially with a bassinet near the bed?  Are they factoring some of those things in as they’re in the nesting stage and really planning out their space, and all of the different areas of the house the baby may be in at different times of the day?

Naomi:  Yeah, so that’s actually kind of a funny little side part of my job, which is kind of – there’s an overlap between just the nursery and then these other things that you’re planning for as a new parent.  So there is going to be overlap with what’s going on in the bedroom and maybe even what’s happening in the living room or kitchen.  If there’s a two-story home, we might need to do a separate little changing area downstairs or have a little travel changing pad in a drawer somewhere, things like that.  And the bassinets, of course, I recommend no matter what, even if a parent isn’t really planning on having one, because things change and you may kind of try the bassinet, try the crib, see what works for you and the baby.  Some people may skip the bassinet and then realize that they are just terrified all night long and need the baby close to them.  So there’s a lot of transition and trial and error in those first few months.

Kristin:  Definitely.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  And as you mentioned, having different set-ups throughout the house because depending on – you know, with that healing phase postnatal, some women may not be able to go up and down stairs and really need to have different stations set up within their house, and they probably wanted to still be – you know, have a similar design feel to the rest of their house, so either stowing it away or having a set up in the bedroom, living room, or a guest room downstairs.

Naomi:  Exactly.  And this actually – it’s funny that you brought up the bassinets because one of the big, popular ones, I’m sure you’ve heard of, is the Snoo.

Kristin:  Yes.

Naomi:  Yeah, it’s super helpful, but one thing that I’ve found a lot of people don’t realize when they buy it is how heavy it is.  It’s not something you can just bring downstairs.

Kristin:  No, not at all.

Naomi:  So I always people specifically, are you planning on getting the Snoo or any other heavy piece like that because if they haven’t thought about how they’re going to deal with the up and down stairs problem or if they have a different area, something like that, then they might need two, or a Moses basket or some other little safe spot to park the baby.

Kristin:  And I know you are very concerned about safety.  So what are your top tips as you’re planning out different nursery and household items with your clients about staying on top of recalls, making sure you’re, again, spending on the important things?  So like the crib, for example, and saving elsewhere?  So what are your top tips for safety?

Naomi:  I’ve got a bunch.  Safety is such an integral part of our design process, so I would say the first thing is the placement of the crib.  I don’t think a lot of people realize how important that is.  Now, I’m in California, so of course we have to deal with earthquake safety.  But I think people who are not in earthquake areas think that it’s not as big of a deal, but it still is.  With the crib, you definitely do not want to place it under a window, even if you’re not in an earthquake or hurricane area, because there’s other things that can happen with the window, such as drafts, or even a sunburn can happen through a badly placed window.  You’ve got a neighbor who, you know, hits a baseball through your window.  There’s all kinds of scenarios where you just don’t want to place a crib in front of a window.  So there’s definitely first and foremost.  Try to find a wall in your space that doesn’t have any openings, and aside from that, keeping other furniture and other items away from the crib if possible, so when you get little arms sticking through the crib rails, there’s nothing that they can grab or use to kind of crawl out or climb out of the crib.  That’s another thing, as well.  And then of course there’s the sleep issues with cribs, so bumpers, we don’t use anymore.  Any blankets and pillows that go inside the crib, we don’t use those anymore, at least for a certain amount of time.  So there’s a lot with cribs.  So I definitely recommend researching the safety and placement of the crib.  I recommend talking to your doctor about the sleep safety and then also signing up for the CPSC newsletter.  CPSC is Consumer Product Safety Commission, so they’ll send you a newsletter that has recall information specifically for juveniles.  I just got one this morning with seven recalls.  It’s crazy.  So definitely sign up for that.  It’s cpsc.org, and then you can at least know that if something happens with a stroller or a car seat or a crib or anything, you’ll get an email.  The second thing with safety and nurseries I always run into is window treatments because a lot of people will have – they’ll plan on using the window treatments that are already in the room, which is usually something like blinds or a Roman shade or something that has cords that hang down, and cords are a huge problem in nurseries because children can get wrapped up in them and they can become a strangulation hazard.  So I definitely recommend any cords either have to be removed or completely tied up and then monitored, as well, which is even more important in the nursery, having a good monitor where you can see what’s happening.  Because some children just don’t care, and they will never try to get the cord, but some children will make it their life’s mission to get the cord, so I think monitoring really well and paying attention to your child’s specific habits is also very important.

Kristin:  Yes.  And then do your clients discuss blackout curtains and things for optimal sleeping environment?

Naomi:  Yeah, so that’s a funny one because the sleep training process is so difficult for a lot of people, and it’s something that may not even come to fruition until after the baby is born.  So we try to plan that in advance, and I usually tell people – you know, most people end up with blackouts, like a blackout drape, but some people want to train their baby to sleep with some daylight.  Other babies absolutely cannot sleep if there’s the tiniest bit of light, and so it really again comes to that trial and error.  But since we’re doing the nursery beforehand, we usually just start with blackouts, and we can kind of adjust if needed.  And then if a sleep consultant comes in, things might need to change a little bit.  It really just depends, unfortunately.

Kristin:  Right.  And like you said, some families may not ever need it, but you’re right, a lot of people just, especially if they just purchased the house, I see a lot of our doula clients are going through a lot of major transitions at once, so buying a new house or remodeling their current while they’re expecting, and so they might not even think about changing up curtains and blinds and so on.  So it’s good to think about that.

Naomi:  Right.  And one thing we do fairly often if budget allows is to do a double layer drape.  So we’ll do a non-blackout layer, and then a blackout layer on top so they have flexibility to use either down the line.

Kristin:  That’s very helpful.  So as far as women who really want to look at holistic planning of not only the remainder of their pregnancy but also for that first year postnatal, what are your top tips for that nesting phase and how to really plan for this time when you’re going to be homebound for a bit and bonding with baby?

Naomi:  Yeah, so there’s a couple of things there.  The first, of course, is – you may have noticed, my book is called Your Perfect Nursery, not “the perfect nursery.”  That’s because it’s very important to make this space something that you as a parent feel comfortable in.  The baby won’t care, I promise.  So I think that that’s the most important part is making it a space that you’re comfortable in, that you feel safe in, that you can fall asleep in, because that’s going to happen, and you’re going to have late nights and uncomfortable moments, so I think that making the nursery as comfortable as possible is great.  It will give you a space that you can share memories in but also just feel good in.

Kristin:  So do you find that your clients are thinking about their own bedroom during maternity and paternity leave and wanting to transform that space, in addition to the nursery, as they’re planning out this time when they’re homebound for a bit?

Naomi:  Not usually in any major way.  Sometimes we will do a – you know, like we mentioned before, a bassinet.  Occasionally we’ll do a second glider or a little cozy corner or something if they have space in their home.  And again, we’re in California, so we don’t have as large real estate.  A lot of nurseries are very small, and bedrooms are also fairly small.  So it just depends.  But yeah, the other thing I just remembered is that during the nesting phase, a lot of parents get heavy into organization.  And they start getting gifts, and they start shopping, and then they have just piles of clothes and things and toys, and nowhere to put them yet.  So I think that planning for organization is something that makes a lot of expecting parents feel really good and feel really satisfied.  So working on those things can be great and coming up with little bins and things to put all your little knick-knacks and blankets in and shelving for books and all these things.

Kristin:  Yeah, that’s a great thing to do during that nesting phase when you’re waiting for baby is to organize, wash all the clothing.  And we always tell our clients to register for services rather than things, because people will buy whatever they want.  They’ll even go off the registry.   You don’t need all of the things immediately, so services like design or a postpartum doula or sleep consultant or a meal delivery service, whatever it might be, versus having all of these extra things with nowhere to put them.

Naomi:  Yeah, and I see a lot of clients, too, registering for toddler items, like little plates and forks and things.  I have the same conversation because I end up dealing with a registry because we end up with a crib mattress, diaper pail, stuff like that will be kind of a crossover that I’ll work on, and yeah, I usually end up telling them, you don’t need size two clothes on your registry.  You don’t need this stuff because you’re just going to get overwhelmed by it, and chances are in two years, you’re going to want something different.

Kristin:  Right, because everything changes as far as fashion.  It’s so true.  Good tips.  So I’d love to get more into your book, Naomi, Your Perfect Nursery.  It is such a labor of love to become an author and go through that process.  What inspired you to devote your time and talents to creating this beautiful book?

Naomi:  Thank you, first of all.  So it definitely – it was a very long process, but I do a lot of research, and I’ve read, you know, the preparing for baby books, and I have a list of all of those and stuff.  And I started noticing that most of them only have a very small chapter on the nursery, and it’s not very specific.  It’s usually just kind of some function and some safety, and that’s it.  And then when you combine that with the just insane amount of imagery we’re all exposed to now on social media and Pinterest and whatever, there was no resource to guide people through that.  It’s just, here’s a little bit of safety, and then here is ten million images.  You figure it out.  And my brain is very – I’m, like, a spreadsheet person and super kind of hyper-organized.  So I just started creating an outline really just based on exactly how I design nurseries, and over the years, I added and added and added, and eventually was like, okay, I could turn this into something.  So I was lucky enough to get a book deal with Simon & Schuster, and then we got it published, and it’s comprehensive.  I mean, it really is, like I said, everything that I do when I design a nursery, which is everything.

Kristin:  Yeah, it’s wonderful, and I’m so excited to be able to share it with clients and with our Becoming a Mother students.  What a wonderful resource!

Naomi:  Thank you!  I didn’t want to write a book that, when you’re done reading it, you just feel like you have to hire somebody to do it.  You know?  I think that there’s a lot of books out there like that where they don’t really give you all the secrets, you know what I mean?  So I really wanted this to be a resource where people can use it, and they can get the exact information and then they can do it.  They can do it themselves.

Kristin:  Perfect.  So how can our listeners find your book?

Naomi:  It is anywhere the books are sold, so it’s on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, all of those book websites.

Kristin:  Perfect.  And how else can our listeners connect with you?  I know you have a website and different social media avenues?

Naomi:  Yes, my website is littlecrowninteriors.com, and I’m also on Instagram @littlecrowninteriors.  Pretty easy to find; you can Google me.  Little Crown Interiors or Naomi Coe.

Kristin:  And you have a lot of great content on your website, and as you mentioned earlier, you work both virtually and in person with clients in California.  So our listeners from anywhere have the opportunity to either buy your book and/or work with you one on one?

Naomi:  Yeah.  We’ve been doing e-designs, virtual designs, for years, and then of course when COVID happened, that just blew up.  So we’ve been doing a ton of virtual designs and guiding people through the installation process and ordering process themselves.  And then we do just one-hour virtual consultations, and we have a very active blog, which has a lot of information on it, as well.

Kristin:  Perfect.  So any last minute tips for our listeners?

Naomi:  Oh, there’s just so many things.  I think what I always try to drive home, which I mentioned a little bit, is just to make the space really about you.  And it doesn’t necessarily require a lot of money to do that, you know?  There are so many things that you can get to make a space feel really special and personal that aren’t expensive furniture.  And I think even things like heirlooms or hand-me-downs, things that are special to you, to fill out that space.  I always recommend trying to put as many touches in there as possible that make you feel really nice and make you feel good, and that goes for one parent, both parents.  If there’s even another caregiver in the home, I think just rounding it out so when you walk in there, you just take a breath, and you feel good.  You feel great.

Kristin:  Thank you so much, Naomi!  It was wonderful to learn from you, and I hope all of our listeners check out your book because it is beautiful and so comprehensive.

Naomi:  Thank you!  Thank you so much!

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

Kristin chats with Gail Janicola about what it means to have the ultimate birth experience.  Gail is a birth expert, author of “The Ultimate Birth Experience,” and a mommy mentor.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you find your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello, hello.  This is Kristin with Ask the Doulas, and I am joined today by Gail Janicola.  Gail is a national board-certified health and wellness coach.  She is the founder of Moms On Top, which is an educational resource for parents and parents-to-be.  She is also known as the mommy mentor and lives in New York.  She’s been a birth professional for over 26 years as an educator, a coach, a doula, and a doula trainer.  So wow, Gail.  So many accomplishments!

Gail:  I guess it sounds really nice when somebody else says it.

Kristin:  And you’re an author, so how does one balance all of that?

Gail:  Oh, my goodness, well, it’s almost 27 years, so I guess you just have to spread it out a lot.

Kristin:  And you’re a mother as well?  You have three grown children, correct?

Gail:  Yes.

Kristin:  So Gail, I am so fascinated by the topics you cover in your book, The Ultimate Birth Experience.  And it’s all about taking control and proactively choosing your birthing options that are best for you and your baby, communicating your needs, and so much of this content is what we discuss in our online Becoming a Mother course because it’s so important, especially during the times of COVID, to really be clear about the type of support that you want and communicating your needs with your medical team, your professional team, your personal support.  So I love the premise of your book.

Gail:  Yeah.  A lot of synergy, Kristin, I feel that we have, because that is our focus.  I know it’s your focus, also.  It’s my focus in everything that I do because it’s not just about the information, even though the information is so important.  But it is about empowering yourself to figure out how to communicate effectively, how to advocate for yourself.  Because it doesn’t matter; you can have all the information in the world, but if you’re not skilled in those areas and you don’t have a perspective of yourself as a consumer in your life and of course in birth specifically, then it doesn’t matter.  You can have all that information, and it sort of goes to waste.

Kristin:  Exactly.  So you’re right, it’s not just about taking a childbirth class and a tour of the hospital, if that’s even an option in your area.  If you don’t know your options, you don’t have any.  So really understanding the full scope of what is available to you, everything from physical therapists to, later on, a pelvic floor therapist to thinking about a postpartum doula and a birth doula.

Gail:  Yeah.  It’s all the stuff that so many people don’t know exists.  All of those resources.  I certainly didn’t know they existed when I was having my children, and the issue that I see happening all the time, as I’m sure you do, is that people go through the birthing process, and even if they have the most amazing experience and they were informed and they did work with a birth team that they felt was on the same page as them and supportive, unfortunately, you get into the postpartum period, and then if you have not really set your ducks up, at least just in knowledge – it doesn’t mean you have to hire people in advance necessarily, although I am a big advocate for hiring a lactation consultant or having a relationship with one beforehand.  But if you don’t know who exists out there, then you’re scrambling, and you’re scrambling at a time where you’re so vulnerable and feeling so lost.  It’s hard to become an advocate in that moment.

Kristin:  Exactly.  Yes, and in the moment, you know, in the birthing space itself, sometimes you might have a written birth plan, but if you don’t have a doula or your partner reminding you, you get lost in the moment.  I know with my own births, I had moments where everything was going out the window.  Once you hit that transition phase…

Gail:  Yeah, it’s hard.  Nobody’s sugarcoating – or I should say, I’m not sugarcoating it, and the whole process is not necessarily all rainbows and unicorns, but it’s the most miraculous, awesome time in somebody’s life.  This experience has the power to truly transform you forever and ever.  So to kind of brush it off as just an event that you have to get past and allowing everybody else to commandeer that event and you having no part or control in your own experience – first of all, of course, it could end up with trauma, which is very upsetting, but it also – it’s such a waste of this opportunity to create that level of confidence and that ability to, you know, to use the word again, to advocate, but also to pull together your resources, because think about how many times in your life you’re going to need that and probably have already needed it, even before you got pregnant.  But going forward as a parent, how many times – you know this, Kristin – how many times have we had to step in and figure things out at least initially for our children?  But really, I have adult children.  It never ends where they’re coming to you and they’re looking for guidance and things are happening in their lives, and to be a parent who can manage that, who can understand it, who can oversee it, who can support it – I mean, this is where I sit now in my life, so I can tell you that what I did, at least in my last birth experience, because I was truly ignorant in my first two.  But once I became a professional and then I had another child, I can look back on that now and see that that experience and everything I did throughout that experience has informed so much of my life since.

Kristin:  I would agree, with my own experiences and having doulas a second time around.  I felt so much more prepared and empowered.  And there’s so many unknowns, just like you described in parenting.  You need to adapt and make big decisions throughout parenthood, even with adult children, and so really preparing with the uncertainties and assembling the right team around you makes a big difference.  I felt like my team was on board with my wishes and I knew I needed to be flexible, but I had preparation and a plan, and I felt like birth wasn’t just happening to me.  And that’s what I want for all of my clients and students, for them to feel like they had some control, unless of course it was an emergency.

Gail:  Right.  And then even when it is an emergency – I mean, that’s really the – you know, you’re swinging the pendulum all the way to one side when we talk about emergencies and crises, because although we hear about those things a lot because they make for great stories and they’re very dramatic – I mean, birth typically is not filled with crises.  Birth is typically a physiological event.  But wherever it is on that spectrum, whether it goes exactly as you thought it would, which is hardly ever does, or you have options and decisions and different paths to take along the way, and then sometimes in situations where you have to participate kind of as a spectator because there’s a crisis, I still very, very much believe that knowing what you can know in advance, having evidence-based information, having been surrounded for a period of time during pregnancy with those who honor birth, who see it a certain way, who have a certain perspective, and then going through whatever it is that your unique experience is going to give to you —you will come out of it as a different person.  You know, I always say to my students, my one goal for you, because I know I can guarantee this, where I can’t really guarantee exactly what your birth experience is going to look like, but my one goal is for you not to have any regrets.  So disappointment, yes.  That may very well happen.  Sometimes even grief for a lost goal and having to kind of sort through that and debrief and figure that out for yourself and get the support you need – yes, that happens.  But to be able to look back and say, I know I did everything that I could.  I know I was conscious.  I know I had communicated effectively, and I put my birth team together effectively.  I know I had the support I needed, and I know that I was able to make those decisions, those unique decisions, for myself in partnership with my team in the moment – again, to use the word, it is really powerful when you can look back and feel all of that.

Kristin:  Exactly.  It’s so powerful.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  And then to get your partner on board with your vision and really support that.  I know you talk a lot about preparing for birth and assembling, again, your team and picking the right provider, but how can a partner best support this process and the goals that the birthing person sets?

Gail:  So I guess the overarching thing that I would say is that a partner needs to understand that they’re in this together.   You know, so many times I will hear partners say that before they became educated, before they went maybe through the process of a childbirth education course, they felt like they were just on the sidelines, that they were kind of pushed into the corner and they had to just – and I get it.  I understand that feeling.  I’m respecting that feeling of, like, well, especially physically, this is not happening to me, so how can I make decisions?  How can I even speak up, because I don’t really deserve that.  It’s not helpful to have that belief system, that perspective, around birth, even though it seems like it’s selfless in some ways, but that feeling of being helpless is certainly not going to be serving to the mom who’s going through this labor but also to your relationship and also to the entire birthing experience.  I would say that for most of us, if we were asked, what is the most important thing, we would say, well, we want the safest experience, right?  We want this to be safe.  And then a close second, even though I think they should be equal, would be that it should be the best experience.  It should be the most uniquely best experience for you, for this couple, for this family.  So if that is the case, if that is indeed the goal, then partners must be more involved.  Yes, I agree that at the end of the day, if we’re talking about – you know, sometimes it comes up around pain medication, and they’ll say, well, I can’t tell her not to get pain medication or to get pain medication.  And I think, well, there you go.  It’s like now you’re taking the role of a doula.  That’s true.  That’s not your role.  You don’t tell her what to do and what not to do.  But you have that beautiful experience prior to going into labor where you are building this bond around this experience, and you get to talk about it together.  You are the ones who are going to unfold the plan, just like if you got married, maybe you worked together to unfold the plan of your wedding or you’ve gone on vacation and you unfolded that plan together.  So that’s kind of the way that I hope partners can feel that their role is vital.  It’s absolutely vital.

Kristin:  Yeah.  I mean, their connection is central, and even if a doula is involved, we can step back and help husbands and partners find tips to be hands-on or be that emotional support that she needs in the moment.

Gail:  Yeah.  I love that you have brought up a lot that whole idea of a birth team.  So just like a tiny little story, because I think this is really relevant to partners: when I was in the beginning of my career, my doula partner and I at the time – now, remember, back then, most people didn’t even hear of the word doula.  They didn’t know what a doula was.  So we were asked to go to a local hospital to do an in-service for the nurses to discuss exactly what a doula was; what did we do.  And we were met, as you can imagine, with a decent amount of resistance, and when we talked about what it is that we do, we had a couple of nurses say to us, well, that’s what we do.  You know, we provide emotional support.  We help couples to figure out what they want to do.  Whatever it was that we were talking about, they were feeling very aligned with that role and feeling defensive that we were going to come in and potentially take over that role.  And what we explained, which is exactly what I would say to a partner, is that even though there is always going to be overlap, every single person on the team has a very special place that they need to recognize.  You know, they have their strengths.  And they also have situations where they may want to have a certain goal, but they can’t for some reason.  So for nurses, of course, if you are caring for three people in labor, you can’t like a doula stay with this person the entire time.

Kristin:  Exactly.  And charting and monitoring and – yes.

Gail:  Yeah, I was just going to say that.  They have to provide clinical support.  They have to do, you know, whatever they have to do.  They have to start IVs.  And that is not the role of a doula.  So for a partner, a partner is a doula in a sense, but a partner also is a parent.  They’re the parent-to-be.  They’re experiencing this so very, very personally, unlike a doula, and they can provide that extreme – I mean, I’m a very nurturing person.  I feel like I could meet somebody and instantly love them and nurture them, but I am not the partner.  I don’t know this person intimately.  So that connection is invaluable during a birth, and I hope that partners can start to recognize that and not feel like they’re so useless.

Kristin:  And we can give partners a break.  I mean, the last birth I attended, the husband was able to make some phone calls to family and go down to the cafeteria, and he knew that his wife was taken care, that I would call if anything changed, and so he was able to take that moment that he needed to regroup and come back and fully engage in the birth process.

Gail:  In all the years I’ve practiced, Kristin, I know that you feel this way as well.  When I would have those postpartum meetings, I would hear even more from the partner than from the birthing person, I would hear the partner say, oh my gosh, having a doula was the best thing in the whole world.

Kristin:  Yes.  Yeah, there’s often hesitancy, again, of that replacing of the partner’s role initially, but then after the birth, dads are our biggest fans.  Yeah, I’ve had so many fathers tell coworkers and friends to hire a doula and to never do it without a doula.  But you don’t know until you go through it.

Gail:  Exactly.  It is great for people to know as they’re going through pregnancy, as much as they can, about each of these people that could potentially be on their birth team, especially doulas, because I know – now, I don’t practice as a doula anymore.  There’s no conflict of interest with my students.  I’m not necessarily reeling them into another business venture.  But I am a huge advocate for doulas, obviously, because I was one.  That’s how I started my career.  I train doulas now.  So when they come to me, I think the benefit of that when we talk about doulas is that I can help them to figure out how to – I guess we can say interview doulas because you and I both know that there may be doulas who might take over a situation or might feel left out.  So I do think that it is very important during a pregnancy if you’re considering having a doula to have those conversations and decide, like, what the plan is when you’re going to have conversations and choose a doula potentially.

Kristin:  I totally agree.  It’s not only finding the right fit with the background that you’re looking for and their philosophy on supporting the client, but also making sure it’s a good personality fit and that you fully align in so many ways.  Similar to, again, finding the right nanny, for example.  Good resume, but a good personality and flexibility.

Gail:  That’s a great example because I think people can relate to that even more.  Like, doulas still are a little bit foreign, and certainly if you’ve never had a baby before and you’ve never had a doula, you’re not exactly sure how that works.  But the idea of having somebody come into your home and take care of your child and be living with you and your family, I guess that feels a little bit more familiar.

Kristin:  Yes, then choosing, you know, a pediatrician or choosing their midwife or doctor.  So Gail, what other tips do you have either from your Moms On Top group or The Ultimate Birth Experience book for parents as they’re preparing for their upcoming birth?

Gail:  I know this is going to seem sort of vague, but I do want to say first and foremost that – you know, I talk about this right away in the book, and I think about this all the time, that there is no one way to have a baby, and no two births, no two people, no two physiologies are alike.  We are so unique, and unfortunately, in at least the maternal health care system in which we live, and I don’t only mean here in the United States.  I do a pod on an app called Peanut where we just kind of talk live, and I have people on there from all over the world, basically, but mostly from England, Australia, Canada.  It’s the same thing.  So it’s not – it’s really the same situation.  We’re kind of subject to this idea that we have to do things based on a checklist, and that is how you have a safe experience.  So it doesn’t give us room to really investigate who we are, what’s important to us, what our values are, which I’m sure can overlap, but we’re unique.  We’re so different.  And the birth experience is not just – I say this.  It’s not just a medical event.  Often, it’s not a medical event at all.  But we engage in medical care through the process of pregnancy and having a baby.  And so we do get caught up in that idea that there really are no questions to ask and we just have to find the “best doctor” and just follow the rules and listen and don’t say anything.  And that cannot be further from the truth because we deserve to see ourselves as unique and we deserve to be treated individually, and so I would say that that’s like – saying “mission” sounds so dramatic, but it feels like a mission to me.  If I reflect, it’s not like I had this idea going into the birth work that this is what I was going to do.  Literally, when I first started this, it was all about – I just wanted to hold somebody’s hand through labor.  That was essentially it.  In living it, this is what has come from that, this idea that I really, really encourage everyone to advocate for seeing themselves as – well, first for seeing themselves as individuals, but advocate for that sort of treatment, that when you go in to have a conversation with your medical provider, that you expect them to really listen to you, to give you the time to be heard, to ask you questions about what it is that’s important to you.  And I know, because we do this; when we’re good doulas, we do that, right?  Don’t we ask people what’s important to them?

Kristin:  Absolutely.

Gail:  We don’t just walk in and just say, you know, this is how we practice, and this is what we’re going to do.  And there’s some really intimate, personal questions that have to be asked or have to be received.  You know, you don’t necessarily have to ask them.  But in any case, that would be my very first and most prominent source of encouragement to everybody that I talk to is just recognize that you are different than everybody else, and then to kind of piggyback on that, also keep your eyes open.  Be realistic.  Don’t assume that because you take a childbirth class and you hire a doula and you’re doing all these amazing things and you have a provider that’s so supportive, that you’re going to have your birth a certain way.  But instead, maybe, as I was saying before, make the goal that you are going to hone your skills as a consumer, that you’re going to build a sense of confidence, that you’re going to have such a different perspective on all of this once you recognize that really, evidence-based care is not the same as standard of care; that you get to ask questions; that you get to formulate this plan the way you would any other plan.

Kristin:  Like building a house, as you mentioned, or planning a wedding, yes.

Gail:  It is the same.  People will argue with me, and they’ll say, well, it’s not the same.  You’re just having a baby.  Like, you know, complications could happen, and you know, it’s much more – like, so what if you go someplace and it rains?  It’s really not a big deal.  But to me, when I hear that, my comeback, my answer to that, my feelings around that is that that’s even more the reason why you should be prepared and plan because, again, you’re not planning for a guarantee.  You’re planning, and in the process of planning, you become a partner with your medical caregivers.  And that is how you end up with the highest level of safety in a birth.  If you leave everything up to your medical care providers, who are not, can’t possibly know you the way you know you, and also might I just say – I know this may seem blasphemy for some people – but they are human beings.  They’re human beings with a skill set that I greatly respect, but no more than I respect anyone else’s skill set.  So let’s just kind of have that perspective and understand that that partnership, that true partnership where you’re doing a dance, you’re hearing their suggestions, you’re giving your thoughts, you’re asking for what you want, you’re receiving their feedback – that is how you have the healthiest and safest and best experience.

Kristin:  I agree 100%.  And certainly – you said having those conversations with your provider during pregnancy versus just showing up with a birth plan.  It’s really making sure that they understand your unique needs and how you’re looking at your experience for your birth, even if your provider’s not on call that day.  Having that conversation and seeing what they’re okay with and what they might have some concerns and questions about for any sort of desire that’s listed on there or something that they want to forego potentially as far as an intervention.

Gail:  So important not to just show up in your labor, and sometimes people do this when they hire doulas where they feel that, okay, I didn’t really prepare.  I’m not really sure, and I’m still very anxious and I haven’t had these conversations, but I have a doula.  And although I do think that it’s still lightyears better to have that doula than not to have that doula.  It is not going to give you an ideal situation because you have to learn how to advocate for yourself.

Kristin:  Exactly.  There’s no guarantee with a doula.  You’re still doing the work.  We can help you cross the bridge, but you have to actually cross it yourself.  We can get there halfway, and then it’s all up to you.

Gail:  And I get the feeling of intimidation around having these conversations, but I do want to say that there’s less intimidation, or the intimidation decreases once you do receive evidence-based information in a setting where you can ask questions and you can start to perceive things differently.  Then you feel – you know, you feel like you’re more able.  There’s more self-efficacy around that communication where you can go and you can have a conversation.  So the intimidation decreases in that respect, but that first initial time you do it, of course, it’s going to be a little bit scary because, you know, we feel that our doctors, our midwives, are authority figures.  But what I want to say is that you’re always using your intuition.  Yes, it is about the actual conversation you’re having and the subject of the conversation and the back and forth, but it’s also how you’re feeling in that conversation.  So if you go into your doctor or midwife and you’re having this conversation to start off and let’s say you’re discussing fetal monitoring and IVS and walking around in labor, and you come away from that interaction, like, shaken – if you feel like in that conversation you were needing to defend yourself and you were feeling even more intimidated, I’d like to say, I know that not everybody can just switch providers.  I know it’s not as easy for some as for others.  I do get that.  But if that happens to you, then you have to take some kind of action on that, whether it’s seeing somebody else in the practice or ideally, possibly starting to interview other practitioners.  Because what you should feel after that initial maybe somewhat intimidating conversation is you should feel a huge sense of relief.  You should feel that this person literally said to you, oh my gosh, of course.  It is not evidence-based to do that, so we’re not going to do that routinely, but we’ll be there to guide you, and we want to support you, and tell me more about why you want to do this and what it is and how we can support you.  Can you imagine if you had that kind of conversation?  You would rush into the next conversation at the next prenatal visit because you’d be so excited to have that partner supporting you with that demeanor.  So that’s what I want people to look for.

Kristin:  That’s so helpful.  So Gail, I would love to hear how our listeners can connect with you.  So let’s start with your Moms On Top group.  Fill us in a bit about the purpose for the group, how one can join, and we’ll go from there.

Gail:  Okay, so Moms On Top is really just the title of my business.  The business side of this is all my course offerings.  So as of right now, although I know that this will not be airing right away, so by the time it airs, there will be another option.  So I can say it now.  So right now, I have only been working with people individually.  Everything I do is either recorded online classes where we have at least one to four sessions after the class.  So there’s always interaction with me, no matter what.  Even if it’s a recorded online class.  Or if somebody lives locally to me, it can be an in person class, or I can do live online classes, as well.  What is rolling out now and will be available by the time listeners hear this is a group version of that where people will be able to take a course online – by the way, it’s a very informal sort of production because I want people to feel like they’re sitting there with me.  So it’s me teaching the class as if you were live with me, but unfortunately, you don’t get to ask questions in the moment.  However, I give tons of resources, and as I said, every single one of my students always has interaction with me personally.  So this new rollout is going to be that sort of course where everything is recorded.  You get all kinds of things.  I will not list, but you get all kinds of things that go with it.  But then we will meet as a group four times throughout the course, which I love because that group interaction is magical.  So there is that.  That’s really – the umbrella of Moms On Top includes all of that.  I am also rolling out a postpartum group, which is coming up, and hopefully we can update everybody when that happens.  And then I do so many things for free.  Like, I give free classes every few weeks.  People can find me on Instagram.  So it’s just my name, @gailjanicola.  So I’m either announcing what I’m doing there; it’s in my bio, or in stories.  And if people want to be on my email list, I’m always giving updates and all kinds of really valuable information so they can just request.  They can do that by contacting me on the Moms On Top site.  Or they can DM me on Instagram.  I would say those are the best ways of reaching me.

Kristin:  Great.  And then how can our listeners order The Ultimate Birth Experience book?

Gail:  So it is on Amazon.  If you want it nicely wrapped with a note and possibly a signed copy, which I don’t charge anything for, of course, then you can order it on my website.

Kristin:  Wonderful.  And I’m so excited about your postpartum group.  It’s very needed.  There are a lot of pregnancy support groups, but not enough in the postnatal phase.

Gail:  Yeah.  And although I did not coin the phrase mommy mentor – that was a name that was given to me, and I have to say in the beginning, for whatever reason, I don’t know why, I resisted it.  But it’s truly – I feel like my purpose because I have no judgment, and I am – I’ve made mothering my life, so for me, it is all about listening and hearing and helping and part of this group will be bringing in the experts.  The pelvic floor therapists and the mental health counselors and the lactation consultants.  So I just want to make this a tribe, and I do know how needed it is.  So I’m here to mentor if that is something that somebody wants.

Kristin:  I think it’s a perfect description for you as a blend of both a coach and a doula.  It’s perfect.

Gail:  Thank you, Kristin.

Kristin:  Well, it was so wonderful to connect with you, Gail.  I appreciate your time, and I hope you have a great day.

Gail:  Thank you so much!

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

 

Gold Coast client Deb Kalsbeek shares her story of pregnancy after loss with Kristin.  Deb also gives tips on how to best support grieving families.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you find your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello, hello!  This is Kristin with Ask the Doulas, and I’m joined today by Deb Kalsbeek.  And Deb is a multiple entrepreneur, a Gold Coast client, and the founder of AstirFreya.  Welcome, Deb!

Deb:  Thank you so much for having me!

Kristin:  So happy to have you here.  So would love for you to share a bit about your story and why you created AstirFreya.

Deb:  So a little bit about my story is I have two daughters now, but I have been pregnant five times.  I have had a first trimester loss, a second trimester loss, and then my – the stillbirth of my daughter in the third trimester, which is kind of where I started AstirFreya.  I realized after all of my losses how those around me, they wanted to help, and they felt helpless.  On my side, you know, you kind of want the help, but you don’t really know what that is.  You just want to feel okay, even though nothing feels okay.  And so AstirFreya was created out of those feelings.  So we send care kits to mothers who recently experienced loss, and we also share education on how to help mom through that season and help the loved ones, giving them ideas how they can help through all of that.

Kristin:  It’s so needed.  As you said, we don’t really know how to help our loved ones, and so – and I know that you did utilize some bereavement doula support through us with your first, with Freya.

Deb:  Yes, and that was so helpful.  I would suggest for anyone to do that.

Kristin:  And can you talk a bit about, for our listeners who don’t know, what a bereavement doula is?  A bit about how your guide helped you through that process.

Deb:  So I felt totally lost even going into it because I had no idea what a bereavement doula was.  I was just kind of – I felt grasping at straws at that point, of I want help, and I don’t know what that looks like.  And so I got connected with a bereavement doula, actually from you, and being able to talk to her about my story, and it was someone who – she basically just said, I understand, and was very loving and caring and let me share my story, like, all of it, and she helped go through my health history and my other losses.  We talked about things that I can do to help me move forward when it comes to my health, things to talk to my doctor about, things to even talk to my therapist about.  Like, she was definitely there to help me kind of create a game plan, and how are we going to be okay.  How are we going to come out stronger after this?  And then also just gave me that space to really talk about my daughters.  Because all five – all five of my pregnancies, I found out, were daughters.

Kristin:  Yeah, that’s wild.  All girls.  So as far as AstirFreya’s mission, you help mothers throughout pregnancy after all types of loss.  So miscarriage, for example, stillbirth, and infant loss.  And their journeys may be much different with a stillbirth versus an infant loss?

Deb:  Yeah.  I have personally experienced, you know, that first, second, and third trimester loss, and every single one of them were completely different experiences.  Completely different emotions.  The one emotion that was always the same is that feeling of loss and sadness.  So we try to help you through each of those seasons, and it’s okay if you have all of the emotions.  All of the emotions are okay, and we do try to share stories from other mothers who have gone through each of those phases, even into the infant loss.  We have them share their stories so that you don’t feel so alone.  And then we do give the moms who share their stories the opportunity that if you want to be contacted by someone else who has a loss so that you can help them through that, they are able to do that as well.

Kristin:  There are so few loss support groups, especially during the pandemic, so it’s wonderful that not only are these mothers sharing their stories, but they’re also willing to be there for other mothers who are going through loss.  So Deb, you recently had a rainbow baby.  Would you like to share a bit about your experience having gone through loss and going through pregnancy after loss?

Deb:  Yeah.  Going on with all the emotions, having my rainbow baby was all the emotions.  Just the timing of everything.  So I ended up delivering my rainbow baby.  Her name is Amelia.  And I delivered her within one year and three days of my daughter’s memorial from the one who passed away.  Like, it was almost the exact date.  Actually, my induction date was the exact date that my daughter – that we did her memorial.  So it was like, oh, my goodness.  I don’t know how I feel about this, like being her one year – what would have been one-year birthday, to now I’m delivering this new baby.  Feels like a total whirlwind because you’re still postpartum, and then, oh, hey, you’re pregnant.  So backing up a little bit, I got pregnant two months after my daughter Freya had passed away.  She was stillbirth.  And at first, I just automatically was like, I cannot get attached to this pregnancy.  Like, I don’t get to keep it.  That’s what I kept feeling when I got pregnant was, everyone else gets to keep their babies.  I don’t get to keep mine.  So that was something I had to work through with my therapist and her helping me just celebrate every single day that, you know what, you made it one more day, and I got to be the mother of this baby one more day.  And it was just one day at a time, and that’s what we were going to focus on is celebrating that life, that one day.  And I also had a really great medical team that listened when I said, you know, if something didn’t feel right or if I even just needed some reassurance.  They would let me come in and hear the heartbeat, and it was the most magical sound in the world.  I think that I was still scared of losing her up until the point that she was born.  Like, I kept thinking, we’re going to get to that 20-week ultrasound, and I’m going to be told everything’s okay, and I’m going to be all right from there.  And it was never that moment of, I feel okay.  It was always this feeling of, I don’t get to keep her, and I don’t know when that’s going to be.  And I think that that’s okay because I think it’s very natural and normal to feel that fear, especially so close after loss and after having, you know, three losses.  But I am very thankful that now I have my Ame girl.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin: And you had a birth doula to support you, and part of our role is to support emotionally.  So you also had that connection to be able to go to if you’re feeling down or if you’re not sure how to, you know, celebrate during your grieving process.  So there’s so many mixed emotions, and we hold that space without judgment.

Deb:  Having a doula was a huge game changer.  I knew that when I was pregnant with Freya that I wanted to have a doula, but then we started getting abnormal results back from her pregnancy, and so I just kind of held off because I didn’t know what was going to happen at that point.  So going into my pregnancy with Amelia, I knew for sure.  I’m like, I’m getting a doula this time.  Like, they were so helpful through my pregnancy with Freya and then also losing her, so a bereavement doula, and now going into a new pregnancy, I was like, I need that support.  Because there is something different about doulas.  Like, y’all’s heart – you understand pregnancy.  You are in it.  The most compassionate people ever.  So I loved having my doula through the whole pregnancy, especially to help talk about some of those fears, talk about some things that, is this normal in pregnancy?  Is this feeling normal?  Talking about a game plan, and also being able to get excited about her birth.  So my doula sat down with me, and we talked about my daughter’s birth and what are some of the things that I want to happen around that.  What type of support do I want?  And it helped to kind of dream it after losses.  It made it feel more real.  And then on the day of, I somehow – I am all for epidurals, personally.  I somehow was able to make it to a 7 without getting an epidural yet because of my doula support.  She kept reminding me, she was like, okay, shoulders down, just breathe.  And it was the hardest, because even now, I still as I’m nursing, I have to remind myself, okay, relax the shoulders, and then I think of my doula telling me through labor, relax the shoulders.

Kristin:  Yes.  Wherever our clients hold their tension – some people it’s their jaw or forehead, but we’re there again to support and coach them through this big transition and the feelings that rise up.  So I’m so thankful that you shared that experience.  So Deb, as our listeners who may be, you know, expecting a rainbow baby are hearing your story, do you have any tips for them on managing this pregnancy and celebrating the wins?

Deb:  So my daughter, who is now seven, she has been through two of my losses with me, and the way that she helped me celebrate each day of our rainbow pregnancy was different every single day.  So I let her help me pick out what we were going to do that day to celebrate.  One day, we literally had balloons around the house, and that’s how we were going to celebrate.  Other times, it was something relaxing, so, like, I went in and got a massage.  You know, something to nourish my body because I knew that I needed to take care of myself, mentally, body, all of it.  So definitely be gentle with yourself.  Let yourself feel all the emotions.  Talk to a therapist.  Have a good doctor team, like medical team, and that included for me my doula.  Really, it’s allowing yourself to celebrate day after day after day and asking for what you need.  Personally, I needed a lot of reassurance, more than I would like to admit, but having the reassurance really helped through this rainbow pregnancy.  And even after.  Like, after she was here, it was more emotions; different emotions than what I expected, because then I also felt guilt, which is a whole other thing.  I felt guilt for having a new baby, where it’s like, it hasn’t even been a year, and I’m already holding this new life, and it doesn’t mean that she replaces my Freya that I lost.  So there was – you know, being sleep-deprived, just giving birth, and now I’m feeling guilt.  So I did talk to my doula through that, too, like, all the new emotions of bringing baby home after a loss.

Kristin:  And having a therapist to support, as well, is key.  So I’m so glad that you invested in therapy during this time.  As you had mentioned early in our conversation, Deb, you talked about people wanting to help and not knowing the best thing to do to support a friend or family member who’s grieving from loss.  What are your tips?  As you said, some of that emotional support, affirmations, or some acts of service, physical support – how would you best recommend that our listeners offer the support that’s needed in that moment?

Deb:  So I have experienced now the other side of being the friend that wants to help after a loss, whereas before this close person had their loss, I was like, I’m the one who always has this.  Like, I’m never on the other side.  So I can now say also from experience how helpless you do feel because you want to help your loved one.  You just want to help in some way.  And sometimes you say and do things that you mean to be helpful, and they’re not exactly as helpful as what you mean them to be.  So I have talked to a lot of moms who have experienced loss and kind of pooled their answers of, well, what do you feel like you needed in that time, and we kind of came up with a few things that we now have on the front page of AstirFreya to help the loved ones through this with their loved one who just experienced a loss.  So some of the things are sending a gift card.  Don’t just show up.  Like, just send it through email.  If you do make them a meal, don’t ask them a lot of questions.  If you don’t already know what they like to eat, just do the gift card.  A lot of the parents of loss have said don’t send flowers because it’s just something to take care of and a reminder that things die.  The biggest one is talk to me about my baby.  Don’t act like it just didn’t happen because it’s very real for us.  And don’t just, like, you know, three months in, like, oh, everything is fine now.  You’ve had time to grieve.  Everything is fine now.  No, actually, I am one year and five months out, and I still have random days where it is a completely normal day, and something will remind me of my daughter who passed, and it just, like, kicks you in the gut.  And you grieve for a while.  Like, that grief, I think you carry it with you.  It becomes part of your new normal, and you learn how to cope with it.  But still, talk to me about my baby.

Kristin:  So how can our listeners get involved in AstirFreya?  Tell us more about the important work that you’re doing, not only with resources, but some of the physical items that they can order and then of course your care gifts to mom.

Deb:  So we specially curated these care kits for mothers who recently experienced loss.  These care kits have – they vary based on the month, but they have, like, a bath bomb in there, a bracelet that has a rainbow on it, because rainbows signify that hope after loss.  And that doesn’t mean another baby for everyone.  The rainbow is to signify being able to find that joy again after your loss.  So there’s a rainbow bracelet in there, some different care items for mom, and like I said, it changes every single month, and we try to make sure that they’re all small businesses that we are purchasing these items from.  We do have some businesses that will occasionally donate items so that we’re able to use those at our discretion to kind of suit it to whatever the mom needs.  We have a shop that has, like, a newborn blanket for your rainbow baby and some t‑shirts.  We have those bracelets for purchase, as well.  We have lots of rainbow-related items that you’re able to purchase, and whatever is made off of those goes into a fund to be able to fund those care kits so that we can send those out to moms.  And so that is how we’re able to afford these care kits is through the shop.

Kristin:  You can also, like, sponsor kits and give donations, so there are other ways besides buying items from the shop, correct?

Deb:  Yes, so we do have a donation spot as well, so you’re able to donate a kit to a mom.  With that one, you just click the donate page, and you put in your address, and then we know not to send that to you, but to send that out to a mom who is in need.

Kristin:  So what resources do you suggest that moms who are struggling with, again, just having had a miscarriage or stillbirth or infant loss – where do they go in their own community?  I know that AstirFreya, of course, you can serve anyone in the US and mail kits out all over, but what other resources have you found in your research that would be very helpful to moms?

Deb:  I haven’t found any local groups yet.  There is one online.  It’s called Push for Pregnancy, and they specifically work with moms who have experienced stillbirth.  I highly suggest finding a therapist that you can connect with.  Talk to a bereavement doula.  That was huge.  And then also find a medical team that is willing to listen to you, one that is a good fit.

Kristin:  Yeah, and that may mean switching from your previous physician if it wasn’t a good fit the first time and interviewing them and making sure that they’re on board, again, with your plan and whatever it takes to reassure you.  As you mentioned, having additional appointments if needed.

Deb:  Yeah.  Yeah, absolutely.

Kristin:  Well, thank you so much for sharing your story, Deb, and all of the work that you’re doing to make such a big impact for moms everywhere.  We really appreciate it.

Deb:  Thank you so much for having me and allowing me to kind of share my story a little and hopefully be able to help other moms who have experienced similar or are going through this season.

Kristin:  Would you fill us in on all of the different social media channels that AstirFreya is found on?  I know you mentioned your website.

Deb:  Yep, and then Instagram and Facebook are the same, AstirFreya.

Kristin:  Wonderful.  Thank you, Deb!

Deb:  Thank you so much!

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden. 

Kristin & Catherine, author of Happy with Baby, discuss the challenges of moving from partner to parent and how that can throw you for a loop.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you find your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello, this is Kristin with Ask the Doulas, and I’m joined today by Catherine O’Brien.  Catherine is the founder of Happy with Baby.  She is a mom of two, and has a master’s is psychology and is also a licensed marriage and family therapist.  Welcome, Catherine!

Catherine:  Thank you, Kristin, for having me!  I’m happy to be here with you.

Kristin:  You have a lot going on, especially with your new book.  So how do you balance everything as a mom, author, therapist, and having so many different online programs and so on?

Catherine:  Yeah, that’s a good question.  Very carefully, and some times, some days, are better than others.  And I think the number one thing that I’ve learned over the years is I constantly have to check in with myself.  I do a lot of things and I like to do a lot of things, and there are times where the balance gets shifted, and then I’m overwhelmed, burned out.  It’s been a constant reevaluation, and I think it wasn’t until having kids where I’m finally like, you can’t afford to burn yourself out.  You can’t afford to, like, not be able to lay in bed all weekend because you’re so exhausted from a crazy week at work or whatever it is.

Kristin:  Exactly.  Our kids need us, so there’s no off time.

Catherine:  Right, right.

Kristin:  So I would love to really get into that family dynamic as it changes from being a couple to introducing that first child.  Can you speak to the changes that having that first baby brings to the relationship?

Catherine:  Yeah.  I think – well, there’s a lot of changes, and I know personally for us, you know, we had a great relationship and liked to spend time together and do all these things, and then baby arrived.  He had a lot of needs, and we were learning a lot of new things, and it became stressful.  Just even how we communicated because before kids, like, I think we just kind of communicated or knew what the other person was going to do or whatever, but now there were so many new tasks and chores and things to do that it was, like, needing to communicate more, but we still weren’t communicating at the level that we needed.  Does that make sense?

Kristin:  Yes, and even as a therapist, it still challenges you to communicate your needs?

Catherine:  Oh, yes.  And I think that was the most – I was finding it really hard and I was getting really frustrated with him, and then I was, like, frustrated at myself because I’m like, how am I not able to do this?  Like, this is what I help other people do.  Why am I struggling?  And we had never had those – that level of struggle before, so it became really frustrating.  So I was, like, learning how to – reevaluating how we communicated with each other, and then plus, like, managing all the household chores and stuff, and how we were managing – yeah.

Kristin:  And it’s so important to have these discussions during pregnancy versus waiting until baby arrives and figuring it out.  Again, like, looking at dividing up household responsibilities.  We have an online course called Becoming A Mother, and we talk a lot about budgeting and priorities like you would when you’re building a home or planning a wedding.  This is another major life occurrence and really figuring out, is a housekeeper a priority or meal delivery service.  Like, really, what is essential that you could outsource?  What can your partner or husband take over?  What are you able to do?  But of course, there is that healing phase, regardless of how a woman births, where you really can’t be doing much the first six to nine weeks.

Catherine:  Right, and we shouldn’t.  Like, we should – ideally, I think in the best of worlds, we would get that bonding time where we wouldn’t have to do those things, and we could bond with our baby and our partner and have other supports.  And that’s just not – you know, unfortunately, it’s not how it is.  And so it’s like, well, where do you find those little ways to make things easier, like you said, like being able to outsource food delivery or those types of things to make life easier, if even just for a short period of time.  That’s what we didn’t have really set up for us, and so it was really hard trying to do it all, and we would find ourselves – like, I remember, like, 9:00 at night, trying to eat dinner, because we always ate dinner together, and so we were, like, trying to do that, and then it was like, you know, I’m hangry.  How are we putting stuff together?  It was really hard, and then we’re like, okay, we’ve got it.  I remember us looking at each other one day.  It was like, we were trying to eat and the baby was crying.  You know, like, he wasn’t sleeping and trying to take care of him and eat together, and we’re like, okay, we’ve got to do something else because this isn’t sustainable, eating at 9:00 at night.

Kristin:  Definitely not.

Catherine:  No.  So figuring out how to do that.  And then also you have the household management stuff, but then also how do you continue to have that connection with each other and the intimacy, and how are we supporting each other, because we both need it during this time and forever, really.

Kristin:  Right.  As a couple first and then seeing each other as parents, you know, secondly.  And I feel like there are so many stressors with families and breakdowns with communication and divorces happen in those early years, so really keeping that communication, keeping the focus and the romance alive, even if it’s just, like you said, trying to eat dinner together when baby’s sleeping, or if you have other children, when they’re sleeping.  Watching a movie or just checking in.  And I know for myself, when my husband went back to work right away and I was alone all day, right when he got home, I wanted to talk to an adult human.  So I’m, like, expecting so much, and he needed to decompress from work, so we had to work that out, as well.

Catherine:  Yeah.  Yeah, because there is that decompression time from – we teach a course, my husband and I teach a course together, too, and we call it, like, that second shift.  Like, the parent that was outside the home is coming home, and now it’s like, oh, now it’s time for your second shift.  Like, what do you need and how much time, and what does that look like?  And I think it’s, like, talking about it.  And it’s not even that you need those things every single day, but having those little check-in breaks, those moments for yourselves.  I think there’s three questions that I encourage all my clients and couples that I work with to talk about, and the first one is, like, what are you doing to take care and reconnect with yourself?  What do you need?  And we need to look at that.  And the second question is, what are you doing to support and connect with your partner?  And the third question is, what will you do to, like, nurture and bond and connect with your child?  And they’re in that order for a reason, and the reason is, I feel like that first one, is we have to be taking care of ourselves in order to, like, sustainably do the other two long-term.  If we’re not putting into ourselves – like, you asked me that question at the beginning of how do I balance it all.  It’s like, yeah, I need to constantly check in and make sure that I’m taking care of myself because I can’t continue to do – have a good relationship with my partner and be the kind of parent that I want to be and do my job, for that matter, if I’m not making sure that I’m taking care of my own needs.  And then the second question is, we can make sure that we’re bonding and connecting with our partner.  We can be better parents when we’re better partners, too, right?  Because we need each other.  It makes it easier when we can rely on each other and know what each other needs but also when I’m feeling connected and supported by my partner, I feel like everything is easier for me, you know, because he’s there.

Kristin:  You’re on the same team.

Catherine:  And he wants to be there with me, if I’m not, like, cranky and angry at him or whatever.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  And then do you find as a therapist that it can be challenging for partners to lose the time and intention they got with their partner when a newborn and potentially other children are really demanding a lot of their time and attention?  Is there some of that?

Catherine:  Yeah.  I mean, I think that’s one of the biggest challenges that I talk with the couples.  Sometimes one partner is wanting more or feeling like they need more or being kind of left out.  One partner feels more connected focusing on the baby, and the other partner is like, I don’t even know what I want to do.  And that’s one of the reasons I added that third question.  You both need to be doing things that are nurturing and bonding with your child.  One parent doesn’t have to do it all.  That was eye-opening for me too, and not that I felt like I had to do it all; my husband was – fortunately, he was super supportive and hands-on, but then there were times when I’m like, well, this is how I’m doing it, so I want you to do it exactly how I do it.  And it was like, no, no, he’s going to do – he’s going to figure it out on his own.  You know, we all have our learning curve, what we’re doing with our children and what we’re comfortable with, and not all of us are teeny tiny baby – you know, like, that’s not our phase.  We like them a little bit easier for us and we feel better about what we’re doing when we’re getting a little feedback and they’re smiling at us and we can play with them more.  Like, that seems to be easier.  But in the meantime, we still need to be doing things to help and support each other like changing the diapers, rocking them to sleep, or whatever that looks like for your family.  But that you’re both doing it and letting each other do it and not feeling like, well, I have to do it because I’m the only one that can, or it’s easier when I do it.  The baby settles down faster.  It’s like, well, you know, give your partner a chance too, I think, within reason, because they need that time on their side to increase the bonding for them, as well.

Kristin:  Right, and women who are exclusively breastfeeding can certainly use the extra sleep time if their partner can get baby back to sleep, change the diaper, burp the baby.  Then you have that extra time, and they also get that one on one time with the baby, so it’s a win-win.

Catherine:  Right, exactly.  No, I know, I realize, like – and then it was, like, my favorite things because our kids would wake up in the middle of the night.  If I got up with them, it was like all of a sudden, they’re hungry and they wanted to eat, it seems like.  And then I realized that if my husband does, he can do a quick diaper change and come back to sleep.  They’re not smelling milk or whatever that they’ve decided that now they need a snack or something.  So it’s like, well, I think you should actually get up with them because they go right back to sleep, and I’m up for, like, an hour, you know, doing a feeding and all of that.  And he just looks at me like, okay.  And not all the time, but definitely – we had to figure out how to work those things out, and again, those were conversations because it’s not like one week or one day this scenario can work, but then as they age and they go through different growth spurts, you need to constantly be talking about and figuring out how are you supporting each other, because it’s rough.  Like, not getting enough sleep is torturous.

Kristin:  Exactly, and it can lead to perinatal mood disorders.  I mean, if you’re sleep is just – if you’re not getting caught up, it is very stressful.  So as far as your course, you teach the Bringing Home Baby program.  Now, is that the one you teach with your husband?

Catherine:  I’ve done the Bringing Home Baby program, and then prior to that, we had kind of developed our own program, and so I incorporate some of the aspects of it.  We have our own course: Mine, Yours, Ours, Relationship Survival Guide to Baby’s First Year.  It’s a shorter course, and we’ve been teaching that for over eleven years now.  I think – yeah, this is going into our twelfth year.  Our son is turning 13 soon, which I’m saying that and I’m like, is that really true?

Kristin:  Right?  How can that be?

Catherine:  As he was standing next to me yesterday and he’s all, Mom, look how much taller I am than you, and I’m like, oh my gosh, how are you already so huge?  We just brought him home.  But anyway –

Kristin:  I can relate completely.

Catherine:  So as they say, it goes by so fast, and I think especially when you’re in it, in those early days, it feels like so long, and especially when you’re so exhausted, but now I look back, and I’m like, oh, my gosh, it does.  It flies by.

Kristin:  Yes.  It’s important to cherish that time, even though it can feel like it drags out.

Catherine:  Yeah.

Kristin:  It goes by quickly.  So your book is Happy with Baby, an extension, then of all of the work that you’ve been doing in this space?  What really led you to take the time and energy to put a book out into the world?

Catherine:  Yeah, so like I said, we’ve been teaching this course forever, and the course was – it was basically based upon a collection of, like, thoughts that I wish I would have known.  Like, you know, I was nervous when I had our son, our first child, and when I was, like, going through it, I was like, oh, I wish I would have known that.  Like, why did no one warn me, or if they warned me, it wasn’t loud enough.  Just an accumulation of ideas that I wish I would have known, and I was like, how do I share these?  And then listening, going to different moms’ groups or different scenarios and stuff like that, and I was hearing other people talk, and I’m like, oh, so I’m – we’re definitely not alone, and in some circumstances, people were struggling in ways that we weren’t even struggling, but this new parenthood journey is not for the faint of heart.  Like, this is hard, and there needs to be more support out there.  And so, you know, we put this course together based on that because we were given this opportunity, got given an opportunity to teach a class, and I was like, I have the perfect idea for new parents, and I was fortunate my husband agreed to join me to do it just so that you could get, like, both parents’ perspective.  And then kind of as that went along, we got more stories and heard more things, and I was like, I think someone mentioned to me about writing a book, and I was like, yeah, I guess that would be easier than, like, trying to go around the world and do the workshop.  No, like, I do have dreams of doing that.  So we started like kind of putting the book together and kind of expanding what we teach in the workshop and everything, and that’s just kind of – I feel like I was writing that book for years.  It was the biggest, the longest pregnancy ever, trying to birth this book.  So yeah, that’s where that came from.

Kristin:  And how can our listeners and doula clients find your book?

Catherine:  It’s on Amazon and anywhere books are sold online, you can find it.  It’s Happy with Baby: Essential Relationship Advice when Partners Become Parents.  And you can go to my website, and there’s a link on there you can click on to make it easy for you.

Kristin:  And Catherine, you have some online groups as well that parents can join?  Fill us in on how else they can get engaged with you.

Catherine:  Yeah.  So I have been doing for over 12 years now like a meet-up group locally here in Sacramento, and it’s kind of been a lot of different renditions, and when the pandemic started – well, I can’t stop doing the group.  Parents need support more than ever.  And so I transitioned it to an online Zoom group, and what I didn’t realize is, because I host it through Meetup.com, is that when you click on that it is now virtual, it goes out to the world.  So the benefit is that people from all over the world have joined us now.  Like, we’ve had people in Ukraine and Canada.  So I do that once a month currently, and yeah, it’s open to anyone and everyone.  Typically I have pregnant and newly postpartum parents, but then it’s also – you know, sometimes I get parents with older kids, too.  So it’s just, like, support for parents – the early stages and a little bit beyond, as well.  So just needing to, I think, realize that we’re not in this alone, and I think the beauty of having it go out to the world is, like, parenting issues aren’t different in another country.  Like, there’s a lot of similarities.  There are differences, but a lot of the same concerns and issues are universal.  So it’s just been – I guess it’s one of the things I’ve enjoyed the most is just getting to connect with more people around the world.

Kristin:  Yeah, it can be so isolating during what seems like never-ending pandemics, so it’s great that there’s this virtual support as well as class options.  Is most of your therapy, then, telehealth, or how are you seeing one on one clients?

Catherine:  Yeah, so I am still doing the majority of telehealth appointments, so I can meet with clients all through California, too, so that’s been nice to open it up, as well.  Some areas don’t have as much – as many support systems in place, so I think that has been one of the good things, if there are good things about the pandemic, is that I’ve seen a greater source of online support out there for moms and parents and stuff like that because we definitely need it during this time.

Kristin: Exactly.  So any final tips for our listeners, Catherine?

Catherine:  Any final tips?  That’s a good question.  I think one of the things I’ll hear from parents is, like, just feeling like, oh, I’m not doing it.  There’s more I could be doing, or being hard on ourselves, and I think it’s like, you know, you’re the most perfect parent for your child, and I think if you continue to make sure that you are taking care of yourself, right, so that you can take care of your relationship and take care of your children, then that is the most important thing that you can do for your family.

Kristin:  Love it.  Any tips for partners who are listening?

Catherine:  Talk to your partner.  Like, have check-ins!  Check in with each other and see how you’re both doing and see what you can do to support each other, but then also, where can you find a little moment during the day or during the week with each other that isn’t distracted by other things.  Even if it’s, like, 10, 15 minutes and you’re doing that every day, those moments add up over the week and the month and stuff.  But make sure that you’re taking those times to really check in with each other.

Kristin:  So true.  Thank you!  It was so lovely to speak with you, and we will share your resources with not only our doula clients but also our Becoming students.  So it was wonderful to meet you, Catherine!

Catherine:  It was so nice meeting you, too, Kristin!  Thank you so much!

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

 

Kristin and Deb discuss how to prepare for birth when working through fear.  Deb is the director of the Prenatal Yoga Center.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you find your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello, hello.  This is Kristin, and I’m co-host of Ask the Doulas and owner of Gold Coast Doulas, and I’m joined today by Deb Flashenberg.  Deb is the director of the Prenatal Yoga Center and a prenatal and postnatal creator of teacher training as well as private childbirth education, and you also are the host of the podcast, Yoga Birth Babies.  Welcome, Deb!

Deb:  Thank you so much.  Thanks for having me.

Kristin:  So happy to have you hear.  So I would love to hear a bit more about your background, since you’re a doula and have so many different trainings and credits as a yoga instructor.

Deb:  Yeah, I wear a lot of hats.

Kristin:  It seems like it!  Share more about your background with us.

Deb:  Sure.  Well, I started as a new school theater performer many, many years ago.  Many, many years ago.  And as I continued in that path, I started to get more into yoga, and I was actually a Bikram yoga teacher for a hot second.  And that didn’t really sit with me because if anyone knows anything about the Bikram background, it’s a very strict script, and it doesn’t allow you to look at the individual and serve them.  And as a doula, you know, like, that’s what we do!

Kristin:  Exactly!

Deb:  And so it didn’t really fit.  So I was talking to some people, and they mentioned prenatal yoga.  And I thought, huh.  That’s interesting.  That really is catering to a very specific person and their needs.  So I became a prenatal yoga teacher well before I had kids.  And then I still felt like there was a disconnect between just teaching yoga modifications and what was happening in the labor and delivery space.  And so one of my students was doing her fellowship at one of the hospitals in New York, and she asked me if I wanted to see some births.  I was, like, 28 at the time.  None of my friends in New York City were having kids.  And what I also realized – this was probably totally illegal because she dressed me up in scrubs and told everyone I was a med student.  I know!  And I went into places that I really – in hindsight, I’m like, wow, that was really inappropriate.  I helped deliver a placenta.  Totally inappropriate.  I scrubbed in for a C-section.  I didn’t last very long.  And I just saw a lot of birth, and something that really struck me as watching one birth in particular, that the birthing parent was just really not – it seemed like she was not taken into consideration.  It was really all about the baby, and the baby came out and everyone left.  It was a bit of high stress because it was a vacuum extraction, and there was a lot going on.  Then for whatever reason, I was left in the room with the baby and the nurse typing on the computer and the parents kind of shell shocked, and no one was attending to them.  And that was a turning point where I thought, hmm, I need to make sure that what I teach as yoga isn’t just modifications, but it’s really giving insight and preparation for the birthing experience and all the different ways it can go.  So I became a doula.  And then I became a Lamaze teacher, and because I love trainings, I continued to deepen my yoga training, and I did pelvic floor yoga teacher training.  And I’m right now doing – I don’t remember the exact name of it, but it’s with a doctor of physical therapy about the pregnant and postpartum body.  And I’m also doing the Spinning Babies parent educator.  So I just feel like the more I can learn, the more I can help my students.  And then of course I had my own kids along the way.  But it’s been quite the path of just going from, huh, I think I’ll teach pregnant folks to becoming a strong advocate for people having the birth that supports them and finding their team and attending to the mental and physical aspects of preparation for birth.

Kristin:  And you have quite the studio there in New York.  You have a wide range of instructor and options, and of course, you branched out and launched a podcast.

Deb:  Yeah.  It’s amazing.  It’s a lot of work.  But I feel really blessed that I get to have these opportunities, especially the podcast.  What I find amazing is I’ve reached out to some of the really big names in the birth world, and they said yes.  And they would speak to me, and I felt – I mean, you’re a podcast host.  You know how much we can learn from those we speak with, and I’m also a geek for studying, and I love prepping for those talks.  So it’s been a huge education.

Kristin:  That’s wonderful, yes.  And it’s such a great service to be able to offer women in pregnancy and postpartum to be able to have these experts on, and then they know more about their options because otherwise – you know, if you don’t know about your options, you have none.  So yeah, I love that.  So Deb, our topic today is centered around addressing fears in pregnancy and birth.  So obviously, as a doula, we work with fears and with your childbirth education background and in prenatal yoga, certainly, I’d love to hear your thoughts on how you’re able to center and reduce the stress during pregnancy.

Deb:  Well, I think a lot of it comes back to – it’s many things.  So let me back up about why I think the fear – and I love that we’re talking about this.  It’s so important.  So on the fifth birth I did, I remember the client was really – she had a lot of pressure on herself for her birth, and I’m sure as a doula you’ve seen this.  It was an older parent, and this was kind of like her one shot.  And she put a lot of pressure on what she wanted this birth to look like.  And it was the exact opposite, as I’m as a doula you’ve seen, and it was the first time that I’ve had one of those births that are just hours and hours and hours and hours, and it just was taking forever.  Then she ended up having a Cesarean, which was the exact opposite of what she wanted.  She wanted to be in the birth center, and she wanted totally unmedicated, and she had some pretty strong visions.  And a year later, she calls me in to have a meeting, and I was terrified.  I’m like, oh, my God, what, is she going to sue me?  I know it was the wrong – like, not wrong, but not the birth she wanted.  And she shared with me that throughout that year, she has been processing her birth, and what she realized during her birth was that she was so afraid of crossing that threshold to parenthood.  Emotionally, she was trying to not let that birth happen.  She was trying to hold that baby in because she was so afraid of losing what she had in her life and not ready for the responsibility.  And that was huge.

Kristin:  It is huge, and I always tell my clients, birth is as mental as it is physical.  So right there – I mean, it’s hard to know right in the moment that her mind was holding her back, and it wasn’t anything to do with her body, but some women think their bodies fail them when really it can be the mental aspect.

Deb:  Yeah.  So it was the fifth birth I had done at that point.  I didn’t have that knowledge.  I’ll be totally honest, I didn’t have that knowledge.  I mean, the baby was posterior, too, so I was attending to that, and I was talking to a mentor about that on the phone during this.  But after that birth, it really highlighted to me about addressing fear during pregnancy, and it became one of the questions I would talk to my doula clients during our prenatals.  I’d say, like, you don’t have to tell me what your fear is.  You’re welcome to so I can help support that, but I’d invite you to sit with what fears do you have surrounding this experience.  And what always concerns me is “no fears, I’m totally ready.”  And I’d say let’s dig a little bit deeper.  Because I feel like any massive change, even if it’s something you desperately want – we don’t know how the birth is going to unfold.  We don’t know what it’s going to be like on the other side.  And there often is some anxiety and fear.  So I open that up to my students, just inviting them to sit with that, and then having that conversation with their partner or their birth team about what came up.  So after doing that as part of my doula practice, it really did shine a light sometimes on – as people were preparing in our prenatals, and sometimes people would tell me what their fears were, and sometimes they would say, “I’m not ready to share it, but I’ll have a word, a safety word, that if I’m feeling this, I want you to know that I’m having these feelings.  I’m fearful, and that I need a reminder that I’ll be okay, or I need my partner to step in.”  I found that when we can address it and highlight it, it helped pass those speed bumps, per se.

Kristin:  Yes.  That’s beautiful.  And partners can also have fears that can affect labor.  I teach a comfort measures for labor class, and we get into communication and the partner’s spots on birth, as well as the birthing person, and it is interesting because until that moment, many couples hadn’t had that conversation.  So if a partner is afraid to see any discomfort and is suggesting things the birthing person may not want, that can also come up.

Deb:  Yeah, I’ve seen that where – I have one – this actually was a good friend of mine, and I know the couple outside of the birth world.  And so it was really interesting seeing that.  I know how their dynamic is, and I was watching the father be very uncomfortable with how his wife was doing, my friend, and she was very clear.  She’s like, I know I can do this.  I want an unmedicated birth.  And he kept saying, like, “Are you sure you don’t want the epidural?  I think you’ll be more comfortable.”  And it was hard to step in and try to help him say, we need to trust her, because he’s like, “Are you sure?  Are you sure?”  So we had to have a little, like, taking it down a notch, like a little conversation.  He and I went off in the corner, and I was like, do you trust her?  He’s like, I do.  I’m like, do you trust the process?  He’s like, I don’t know.  So he was really, really honest about that.  So you’re 100% right that the fear aspect could be family; it could be partners.  I’ve had – I know with my own births, my family was like, are you sure you want to do this?  Are you sure?  And having that in the back of my head wasn’t helpful, and I’m sure as a doula you’ve seen this where I’ve had my students say, “My doctor is saying my baby is really big.  I don’t know if I can do it.”  Like, when you have fear laced in your mind, things are bumpy.  Then you go to, oh, maybe they were right.  Maybe I can’t do this.  So I think it’s really important to recognize that this could come up and build buffers.  And then also recognize, okay, my doctor said my baby’s really big.  So then instead of taking the fear aspect of “I don’t know if my body can do it,” it can open a conversation of, “All right, so what are my options?  If you think my baby’s really big, what are my options for ways to labor?  Do you need me to be still?  Can I have the option to move my body?  If you think my baby’s really big and you’re not sure my body can do this, let’s talk about what birthing positions we can use to maximize pelvis space.”  So I think sometimes we can use those fears and turn them around to how can we make more choices and how can we empower ourselves.  But that also takes somebody really willing to look at that, ant that also takes the environment to build that competence in the person.  I think it’s not easy for a lot of pregnant folks.

Kristin:  Yeah, and having those conversations with their provider about what their options are, like you mentioned.  Even positions to labor and deliver in if that is a concern.  Some positions are better if, you know, a potential big baby is a hurdle.  Some people, again, you know, it can be intimidating to have those conversations.

Deb:  It’s really hard to have those conversations.  You know, I say that as – I’m always telling to my students to talk to your care provider.  I remember one time trying to talk to my midwife, who I felt super comfortable with.  I was stuck.  I had a really hard time.  So also sharing with my students, this is – like, I recognize the challenge of what I’m asking you to do.  And I think that also then takes the pressure off because sometimes we can advocate for them without recognizing how hard it can be.

Kristin:  Exactly.  So one thing I love about all of your background and training is also just doing bodywork.  I mean, the body can store tension, anxiety, trauma even.  So I’m a big fan of prenatal yoga and movement during pregnancy.  So let’s talk a bit about that related to fear and how it can be helpful.

Deb:  Sure.  I think that sometimes – we’re talking about birth is as much in the body as the brain, and then sometimes I think when the brain gets too fixated on a fear, then we feel – we have that fear, tension, pain relationship.  So we’re fearful.  We have more tension.  Then we feel more pain.  It just keeps going back and forth.  So what I think is really helpful, and we do this in class a lot, is we look for ways to keep the breath and body moving.  And we know that when someone often is uncomfortable and tense and strained, if we can get them to exhale and move, that often releases some of that tension, and then it helps the breath and endorphins.  So we talk a lot about putting ourselves in poses that have strong sensations and working – instead of giving into, this hurts, oh my gosh, what am I feeling, this is getting worse and worse and worse – see that change a channel in the mind and then find some sort of breath pattern.  We talk about the three Rs.  So find some sort of rhythm and rituals.  So maybe we’re holding warrior two, and the legs are really warming up.  So instead of just sitting in that discomfort and getting more freaked out, can we either find a mantra that’s working our breath; can we find a movement with the arms; can we recognize where this unnecessary tension and then working to release that.  And then we also recognize that when our nervous system is really overactive and the adrenaline is shooting up, that’s going to affect labor.  So looking how to down regulate the nervous system through movement and breathing is also something we do a lot in class.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  Yes.  And breath is so key in birth, so whether it’s in early labor – and I even tell my clients when they’re having that warm-up labor, Braxton Hicks, to focus on practicing their breath work and using yogic breathing to prepare for birth.  And even saying things like give your baby oxygen.  Especially in the pandemic, wearing masks at different points during labor can be challenging.  I love that you mention breathwork in addition to yoga.

Deb:  Yeah, I think you’re on to something.  I think about birth and all the different coping skills; I always feel like breathwork is the foundation.  And then different accessories.  So maybe somebody’s using the breathwork with sound.  I’m a huge fan of sound.  I came up with a thing years ago called “open throat, open vagina” because I was a singer, and I remember my singing teacher having me move my hips one time when I was singing because I was getting really tight, and then I remember, like, a couple days later, I attended a birth, and I was listening to her sound, and I’m like, oh, my gosh, she’s really tight in her throat.  I bet her pelvis floor is really tight.  So I was having her do the same thing that my singing teacher had me do, move my hips, and the sound opened up and her whole body relaxed.  We do a lot with using the breath and sound.  We do a lot with using the breath and affirmations.  Sometimes we count the breaths.  So the breath, it feels like the foundation, and if we can get the breath to help relax the body, I think then that fear and that tension can really subside.

Kristin:  Exactly.  And in Lamaze, I mean, it’s all about being aware of where you’re carrying tension and how you and the partner connect and help loosen some of those areas, whether it’s the forehead or the shoulders.  And then again, like you said, breathwork and being open and wide versus your fists clenched and tight will help labor progress so much more quickly.  That is amazing.  And when women get high pitched in labor versus that tonal, low, moaning, that is also something to look for and recognize, if you’re getting high pitched, to go low.  And what are your thoughts as a singer, and what are suggesting to your students as far as toning or using their voice during labor?

Deb:  Oh, I love using the voice, and one of the things – for my own second birth, I actually was able to kind of step outside of my situation.  I remember being in the shower and listening to the sound, and there was a beat where I’m like, oh, that sounds really good.  Like, I was able to get out of the sensation and almost, like, float above the situation.  I’m like, oh, that sounds like a really open, good sound.  So we do a lot of vocal toning in class.  Now, I know not everyone is comfortable using their voice, and so I always just put myself as kind of like the biggest fool in the room.  Like, I will be louder than everyone else so you don’t have to be self-conscious about the sounds you’re making.  And then we’ll look at different sounds, so we’ll do – I have a pose I call screaming toe, and it’s a really strong stretch of the foot, and I’ll say, see what happens if you just naturally open and let your voice out, and most of the time it’s this high sound.  I’ll then mirror a lower sound and ask them to see if they can match that, and that is something that I would do when I was a doula.  If I heard this sound, I would try to help bring the sound down.  And that usually helped.  And then I would share that and say, practice this with your partner, and let your partner or whoever’s going to be attending your birth, your birth team, have them be attune to the sounds you’re making because that’s going to give a lot of insight to your mental state and your body tension and how well your breath is moving.  And so we do practice that a lot for the experience and then for them sharing that with their partner.  I love open throat.  I love relaxing.  And I think it’s something that I can remind them that their baby is hearing and feeling their voice, and then they get excited about that.

Kristin:  So true.  I love it.  So Deb, what are your favorite affirmations related to reducing fear?

Deb:  I have a few.  One is “this too shall pass.”  I feel like I use that a lot in my own life.  Another is “I trust my body.  I trust this process.”  And what I love about that is it’s not promising any outcome.  It’s trusting your body, which doesn’t mean it’s going to go how you want it to go, but you trust that your body knows what to do, and then you trust the process again.  It’s not saying that this is going to be birth I have totally envisioned, but I trust this process.  So I trust my body; I trust this process.  Sometimes it’s “I trust my body; I trust my baby.” Because also when we go back to trusting the baby, that’s also not promising a certain outcome because sometimes a baby is born in a different way than a birthing parent had in mind.  I had a client that really worked hard for a vaginal birth.  She hired an obstetrician that had a very low Cesarean rate, and she ended up having a Cesarean.  Every time she would push, her baby just decelled, and then it would bounce back up.  And the care provider tried everything, everything.  And when they finally had a Cesarean birth, the cord was really short.  Like, it was a high placenta at the very top of the fundus, and a really short – like, there was just no way.  Like, the baby could not – she was trying.  That baby was swimming downstream trying to get out, but it was literally a rope pulling it up.  So that was “I trust my baby” because sometimes the baby has a different path.  So I’ve seen that can be helping to let go of fear, that I trust my baby knows how it needs to be born.  Another one that I use a lot in class with breathwork and movement and releasing fear is “let go.”  And that’s just an invitation to let go of anything they don’t need to be holding onto; any pressure they put on themselves to have a certain birth, any pressure that they feel that they need to experience or sensations.  So let go of that; let go of tension; let go of fear.  That’s a go-to in my yoga classes as well as births.  So those are some – oh, and then another of my favorites is “the breath is the pathway through the sensation.”  I used that a lot in my own birth.  I used that a lot with clients.  I use that a lot even when I cycle.  “The breath is the pathway.”  I’m a big cyclist.  If I’m going up a really big hill, my legs are burning, and I have to remind myself, “my breath is my way through this.”  So I’m a big self-talker that way.

Kristin:  I love that.  That’s great.  Yeah, my favorite affirmation for clients who are, especially in that transition point when they doubt themselves, is “I can do anything for 15 minutes,” or a minute, even.  There are so many incredible ones, but I hadn’t heard some of the ones you shared, so thank you for that.

Deb:  Oh, absolutely, yeah.  Taking it by minute by minute – I love what you said.  It’s very important.  Because it can feel overwhelming.  You know, you’re in the middle of this, and you’re like, when is this going to end?  But then you just remind yourself, these teeny tiny increments of time.

Kristin:  Exactly.  So any other tips related to addressing fears in labor and birth?

Deb:  I think just giving yourself the time to sit with it and invite yourself, okay, what do I really feel around this?  And I do think it’s important to share with your team that the care provider should know, especially if there’s any trauma from the past that they may want to know; making sure they ask permission to touch your body if that is something – I think in general, they should always ask permission.  Consent is very important, but especially if there’s trauma.  Really indicating, I’m touching your leg.  May I touch your leg?  So creating that space.  But giving yourself the time to explore what fears; talking about ways if fear comes up, what do you need to help yourself get to the other side of it.  What do you need from your partner?  What do you need from your team?  Do you need maybe more space and time if things are feeling really rushed and you’re feeling overwhelmed by how quickly things might be going?  Can you ask for more time?  So being as open about what’s taking place so that those supporting you have the space and the knowledge to support you, and sharing – I guess just really sharing how you’d want to be supported.

Kristin:  Lovely.  So how can our listeners and our Becoming a Mother students who happen to live near you connect with you?  You have, again, so many different programs, along with your podcast and blog.  So fill us in.

Deb:  Yeah.  Well, since the pandemic, we’re actually online as much as we are in person.  In fact, I think maybe even more.  So we have livestream prenatal classes seven days a week, and we have postnatal classes once a week.  And so people can either jump on Zoom and join me there, or they can take classes in person, so New Yorkers who are on the upper west side, and they can check all this out on my website.  And then we’ve also got a ton of workshops because I think the more education – as you mentioned, if you don’t know your options, you don’t have any.  So education, workshops.  We’ve got a ton in person, online, on demand.  And then my podcast, Yoga Birth Babies, has almost 300 episodes.  So I’m pretty confident that people can find pretty much whatever they want to find on there, and I love that we continue.   In fact, you’ll be a guest pretty soon.  I’m excited about that.  So they can find me there, and then of course on Instagram.  And then if there’s anyone listening that’s also a yoga teacher, and this is something that excites you, to learn how to support the pregnant person, we’ve got a very in-depth prenatal and postnatal yoga teacher training.  All this can be found on my website.

Kristin:  Wonderful.  So, Deb, another question for our listeners who are really looking for in person prenatal or postnatal yoga.  How can you find a qualified center in your area if they’re not in New York?

Deb:  That’s a really good question.  I would say look at their training.  So there are not a ton of centers that are just pre- and postnatal throughout the country.  It’s a very specific niche.  There’s a couple.  But if you’re just looking for a prenatal class, look at the person’s bio and see if they have been trained.  I actually was just looking online, and someone DM’d me saying, oh, I’m following your Instagram because I’m pregnant and I teach yoga, so I’m going to start teaching prenatal yoga.  And I thought, that doesn’t really equate to – like, you’re pregnant and you’re a yoga teacher doesn’t mean that you should be a prenatal yoga teacher.  And then of course I’m like, do I say anything, do I not?  But at least for the listeners that are listening here, find out and make sure they’re actually educated in this because there are considerations to take for the pregnant body.  One of the things that we do a lot in our classes is we work a lot on balancing the pelvis and the soft tissue in the pelvic floor for a more efficient and functional birth.  And it’s not just about modifying poses around a belly.  It’s how can we use this practice to have a smoother birth.  And so I hope that a lot of – I’m confident a lot of prenatal teachers approach it that way.  But I guess they should not just look at, are they certified, but maybe ask what’s their methodology; what’s their belief about how to support pregnant folks in a prenatal yoga class.  Because I really believe prenatal yoga can be a tool to help prepare the mind and the body for a more efficient birth.  No one wants a long, arduous birth.  Everyone wants that baby in a good position and kind of rotating and descending out easily.  No one wants those speed bumps.  So I think yoga can help or hinder.  So make sure that the person is well-qualified.   That’s a very long answer to your question.  Sorry about that.

Kristin:  That was perfect.  Appreciate it.  It was so great to chat with you, Deb, and I look forward to being on your podcast in the future, as well.

Deb:  Thank you so much.

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

 

Kristin chats with Sabrina of Osso Safe about preventing violence in a relationship and how OSSO safe can protect families.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you find your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello!  This is Kristin with Ask the Doulas.  My guest today is Sabrina Ossa, and Sabrina is the founder and CEO of Osso Safe.  Welcome, Sabrina!

Sabrina:  Hello, Kristin.  Thank you so much.  We’re so happy to be with you.

Kristin:  It’s great to have you here!  So you have quite the resume.  You’re a TEDx speaker, a real estate agent, a consultant on promoting safety and preventing violence in the workplace, in schools, and also in personal residences, correct?

Sabrina:  Correct, yes, yes.  We focus on those three markets, if you will.

Kristin:  And you’re also a dancer by trade?  I love it.

Sabrina:  Yes, yes.  Thank you.

Kristin:  So, Sabrina, how did you get into this line of work focusing on safety in so many different aspects of life?

Sabrina:  Yes.  I’ve had enough therapy – I’ve been in and out of therapy for quite some time now to be comfortable enough to say that I did grow up with violence.  My father beat my mother on a regular basis, and my mother would be abusive towards me.  So I have firsthand experience with just witnessing it and also having it done to me.  So it kind of really gives you a lot of – how do I say?  Experience in things that you really don’t want to have experience in, but if you use it, you use it to help other people.  And Osso Safe really started out as a one-woman show.  You mentioned I am a dancer.  I was auditioning.  I was performing.  And I started writing my one-woman show as a dancer, and I play different women being abused.  She goes to her good place.  That’s where the dancing comes in.  But then she’s pulled back into the terror of violence.  But the show ends really strong, really empowering.  And I did a lot of research for the show because I wanted it to be educational and entertaining, and I could not believe the statistics that I was finding, how it’s so common.  And I said to myself, I need to make this into a bona fide business with products and services that can really help people, including myself, really.  And that’s how Osso Safe was born.  We’re not a nonprofit.  We’re not a charity.  We respect all of the charities and nonprofits that do this work, but we have a very different approach to it, and we can talk about that later on in the interview, but hopefully I answered the question, how did Osso Safe come about.

Kristin:  Yes, you answered it beautifully.  And so your product is a blend of technology and also holistic care, and it seems very unique.

Sabrina:  Yes, yes.  We combine education and technology to promote safety and prevent violence, and a lot of it has to do with real estate, your home, your residence.  That’s where we focus on because we say if your homes are safe, then your workplaces will be safe; schools will be safe; universities; our public places; our concerts; our malls.  It all starts in the home, and I love your podcast because it focuses on children, and children are always victims.  I was one of them, and they’re the most vulnerable.  And so we really focus on them.  They are the true victims in this whole horrible equation, but we’re very hopeful.  We’re very positive.  And the technology, it holds people accountable, and we make this a part of residency.

Kristin:  So getting into relationships, of course, at Ask the Doulas, we are – you know, our listeners and our doula clients are either pregnant or in the first year of their child’s life.  So getting into your focus on relationships and home life, what are some examples of being in a good strong relationship, and there are so many changes that happen after baby is home that may cause some stressors.

Sabrina:  Yes, yes.  We strongly feel that – now, it takes two people to make a baby, right?  So we focus on, look, both of you have to work together, and whether they’re divorced, whether they are – and even as a single parent, and I’m sure a lot of parents or every parent, I would say, is wearing a lot of hats, right?  So it is very important to have on the forefront of your mind a few things.  One is that you have to know, you deserve to be in a good relationship.  You need to make it a point to get along with your significant other, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your – if that person is your ex.  And we realize things don’t work out.  Maybe you’re already split up, but you’re pregnant and you’re sharing this child with this person.  It happens, right?  You have to keep on the forefront of your mind that I am not going to endanger my child in any way.  When we – not if; when we disagree, myself and my significant other, I’m going to make it a point that I’m not going to fight.  I’m not going to be yelling and screaming and being verbally, physically, or sexually abusive to my partner or to my significant other or to my ex; not in front of my children, not in front of my infant, because – and I’ve done research on this.  Infants, the formative years are between 0 and 6 years old.  They know; they recognize when there is turmoil, when there is upset, when there is conflict.  Even though they don’t know exactly what is going on, but they know that something is amiss, so it’s very traumatic to a child when they hear mom and dad fight.  And we’re not saying don’t ever fight.  You’re not going to disagree.  That’s not realistic.  Of course you’re going to disagree.  But there’s a way to fight.  There’s a way to disagree.  And you have to make it a promise before this child enters the world that you’re not going to be verbally, physically, or sexually abusive.  Make that as a rule right from the beginning, and we’ll say, look, when we do disagree, we’re going to make it a point that we don’t cross that line.  And if we have to distance ourselves, then we will distance ourselves and remove ourselves from the situation.  Say, look, let’s come back to it.  Let’s discuss this after taking a breather for a half hour, an hour, a day, a whole day, whatever it takes.  But I would say to parents, you need to be very proactive and making it a point to really make the effort to not fight in front of those children.  I would see my parents fight all the time, and I can tell you from personal experience, it’s very traumatic.  And I got to say, abusive parents, they love an audience.  They love an audience, especially when it’s their own children, because they feel like they have people already on their side.  But you’re hurting your children.  You’re being abusive toward your children by doing that.  So I would say include therapy as part of your regular parenting.  There’s no shame in getting help.  There’s shame in not getting help.  And we make this a point of residency.  I can talk about this later on in the interview, but we make therapy – it’s like a standard.  We don’t wait for an episode of violence to occur in our properties.  We have therapists assigned to the property, and every month, you’re required to check in with your therapist.  Is everything okay?  Do you feel like anything is looming?  So all of this is on the preventative side versus waiting for an episode of violence or conflict to occur.  I mean, I could go on and on with tips, but I would say just those would really make a difference in a child’s life.  The not fighting; you’re not going to be abusive towards one another; respect is the number one requirement in any relationship.  You respect me; I respect you.  That’s very important.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  That’s so true.  I was absolutely agreeing with you.  And I find it interesting – I mean, as a real estate agent, you are putting yourself in uncomfortable situations with strangers as you’re showing homes.  How does that translate to the industry of real estate as I’m thinking about our doulas not necessarily having a relationship with families and coming into a home in safety for professionals in certain settings?

Sabrina:  Yes, excellent point.  They’re in higher positions, if you will, in the real estate industry.  For example, we’re based in New Jersey, so the New Jersey Association of Realtors and the National Association of Realtors.  We put ourselves – it’s “the nature of the business,” where you’re showing a property and it’s very – it is dangerous.  You’re dealing with strangers, and yes, some of them have good faith.  They operate out of good faith.  But others, there are cases, or I should say conclusions, where the real estate agent gets murdered or gets kidnapped, and this is a big problem for us in the real estate industry.  And they need to do more to protect because you could say – they say to us, “Make sure that your client goes first, and make sure you’re there with someone else, and make sure you have your cell phone on hand.”  But all of those things are really – when someone’s out to harm you and you’re there, even with your partner, with someone else, another agent, if that person wants to harm you, they will, and especially if it’s an abandoned property or the property is – you’re alone, whether in the day or at nighttime.  You could do all that you can to have someone with you, but sometimes it’s just not possible, and you’re showing properties.  So this is where my technology, the technology that I have – I have hired a software company.  It will have multiple applications.  This will help real estate agents because it gets installed, and it will detect violent-like movements and captures them in real time, issuing alerts to, let’s say, a landlord or to your broker of record or to the mom and dad who hired a nanny to watch their child.

Kristin:  That was my next question, yes, what to do about caregivers when you’re not in the home and wanting safety for your child.

Sabrina:  Right.  It’s called the Osso Safe app, and right now it’s being updated, but it will have multiple applications, and this will help getting police to the residence if you can’t get there.   Look, I just saw someone break in, and it’s detecting violence.  I just saw someone get slapped.  I just saw my child get smacked across the face by the nanny.  I just saw one of my real estate agents.  There’s an alert, and this person, they’re not – this potential buyer, he’s really – he’s not operating out of good faith.  So you get the alert right away so that way you can send help.  And we’re also setting it up where help, like 911, is called right away because it’s detecting violence.  It’s detecting, like I said, a slap, a punch, a kick.  And this also we wanted to carry over in residency with your spouse, with your significant other, with your boyfriend, your girlfriend.  And we’re saying, look, we need to make safety a required standard condition of residency.  When you sign that lease, when you sign that mortgage, when you sign that title, well, now, you’re not going to get away with half the things that you got away with before because now safety is a required standard condition of residency.  And this protects children because children, there are 15 million children that witness violence in their own homes each and every year in the US alone, and those are just the ones that are documented.  So there are a lot of good parents out there, Kristin, but let’s face it, there are a number of not good parents, abusive, violent, chaotic, dysfunction.  So we’re saying, look, abusive parents, you’re not going to get away with this anymore.  Children have rights in Osso Safe certified properties, and we will hold you accountable.  And these children, we don’t wait until they’re 18 for them to have agency over their lives.  As soon as they are pre-K, kindergarten, they get to say.  They have a say who they feel safe with, and we have developed something called Osso Safe kids.  Anyone can Google it.  It’s like a channel right now that I have on YouTube, but we give advice to children, abused children or non-abused children, and we’re unifying them and saying, look, help each other out.  Abused kids, and we talk about it very openly.  It’s not your fault.  You’re not alone.  The fact that if dad is beating you up or mom is putting you down, this is not Osso Safe.  This is now how it’s supposed to be, and you can speak out.  So, I mean, there’s a lot more to it, but just to give a summation of everything between the technology and Osso Safe kids and as real estate agents applying the technology to real estate agents.  So just to give a brief summation of everything.

Kristin:  Yeah.  So it sounds like this could even eventually be used in daycare centers and a lot of different models.

Sabrina:  Yes.  Yes, it will have multiple applications, as I mentioned.  Even pet-sitters.  You know, pet-sitters, elderly people, or children, nannies as we said.  Definitely in residency as a regular part of residency.  So the technology complements the education, and the education complements the technology, if you will.

Kristin:  So it’s beyond your typical nanny cam or baby monitor where you need to go back through all of the recordings.  You would actually, you know, have notifications based on movement, like you said?  So it’s very sophisticated.

Sabrina:  Right, violent movement, correct.  Exactly.

Kristin:  So how can our listeners, you know, find you?  I know you’ve got a great TEDx talk.  If they’re needing more resources, what are your preferred methods of contact?

Sabrina:  Yes.  You can call the lawyers, right, the 1-800 numbers.  I believe it’s – well, it depends on your state, right?  So they all have their respective 1-800 numbers.  The National Domestic Violence hotline.  And then you call the police, and you could either get a restraining order or not, and you go to court and you could hire the lawyers and you could hire the mediators and the paracoordinators and get child protective service agencies and the judges.  But I have to say, Kristin, as someone with personal and professional experience in this realm with the legal part of it, it is horrendous out there, I have to say, and I’m speaking from personal and professional experience.  All of it together, they have this let them eat cake approach, if you will, because at the end of the day, they don’t care.  I hate to sound like that, but children’s lives are not valued.  They are not seen as you’re going through this, and we are so sorry about this.  They have this, well, you too have to get along, like the abusive parents.  It’s like a slap on the wrist.  You two have to get along.  You’ll be spending hundreds of thousands of dollars, and you’ll be worse off than when you set foot in that courtroom.  It would have been better off if you never even set foot in the courtroom, I have to say.  And these judges, I also have to state, they are very ill-informed.  They are uninformed, and they care more about their caseloads than actually – they do what is in the worst interest of the abused child versus what is in the best interest of the abused child.  So at Osso Safe, we’re saying, look – and we consult with a small team of lawyers on a regular basis on everything that we do, and one of them is a family law attorney, and she said, “Sabrina, with your Osso Safe certifications of properties, and you want this to carry over, over all residency, you are short-circuiting the entire process.  You don’t even need the courts because you make safety a required standard condition of residency.  You nip it right in the bud right in residency.  You won’t need the courts.  You won’t need lawyers.  You won’t need –

Kristin:  Evidence and text messages and – yeah.

Sabrina:  Right, because everything is done right in residency between the technology and the education because it’s more preventative versus waiting for an episode of violence to occur and the police show up, and at that point, it’s almost too late.  The children are terrified.  They are traumatized.  We do all of this education right at the beginning of residency.  Even if you’re in your residence for like a year or six months, we do all the education as a standard, if you will.  So we want to say that, yes, you could use all the resources out there, but as we get more momentum and we’re doing a lot of these podcasts to get the word out, hire us.  Get your properties Osso Safe certified, whether you rent, whether you own, whether you have a mortgage or not.  Get your schools Osso Safe certified.  Get your workplaces Osso Safe certified.  You won’t need the courts.  In fact, I actually said this to a – and this was at the New Jersey Apartment Association.  I said, the laws will have to catch up to what Osso Safe is doing in terms of residency, in terms of really making homes and residences safe, especially for children, because we are combining education and technology.  And I also want to mention to couples raising their children: please, stay away from giving any pornographic material to your sons, and daughters for that matter.  Pornography is a big driver of violence.  We say pornography is 88.2% physical aggression towards women.  So do yourselves a favor.  And it’s not about sexual freedom.  We’re all for sexual freedom at Osso Safe.  Pornography is the opposite of freedom.  It’s all about bondage, domination, sadism, masochism.  And we’re not teaching our children to have good sexual relationships – good relationships, period.  So stay away from pornography, and it just feeds into child rape, sex trafficking, child sex trafficking.  So I wanted to say that on your podcast, especially for children, because so many of them fall victim in these trafficking rings, if you will, and it happens in every part of society, whether you have money, whether you don’t have a lot of money, regardless of religion, regardless of nationality, background.  It is a – I believe it’s a $100 billion industry, sex trafficking.  And a lot of it is fed, if not all of it is fed, through pornography.  Yeah, so I hope I gave pertinent tips, and as far as finding me or finding us, the website is ossosafe.com.  You can Google Osso Safe kids.  I have my TEDx talk out there.   All of the major social media platforms; we’ll on all of them.  Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram.  So I hope I answered a lot of your questions, Kristin.

Kristin:  You sure did, Sabrina.  What a wealth of information.  It’s overwhelming to hear some of these stats.  So thank you for sharing.  Any final tips, even on, as you mentioned, trafficking?  Like traveling with children, any safety tips?

Sabrina:  Yes.  Definitely keep your eye on your children when you are out there.  At schools – I hate to say this, but schools are breeding grounds for school shootings and sex trafficking.  Have a code with your child where – like, let’s say someone poses as someone who’s going to go pick them up, and have your child say, “Well, what’s the code?  What is the code word or the code number?”  And you will throw that potential sex trafficker right off.  Like, oh – like, something like “barracuda” or something very unique, you know?  And that person will run.  And have that child – say to that child, “Look, nothing you can do will make me get upset with you.  I mean, we do” – oh, something that should be differentiated: discipline instills education, and abuse instills fear.  And we make it a point in our properties and in our education to differentiate that and to teach parents about that, what the difference is.  So I’m sorry; I’m jumping from one thing to the other.  But I want to say, abusive parents, what you do is very different than what Osso Safe parents do.  Parents that practice safety, empowerment, encouragement, respect, positivity.  And this is what you need to learn, abusive parents.  And just because you are a parent, it doesn’t give you the right to abuse your child.  We want to say that, to leave your audience with that.

Kristin:  Thank you so much.  I appreciate all of the work that you’re doing.

Sabrina:  Thank you, Kristin.

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

Kristin chats with Gold Coast client Amber Shaw about her postnatal recovery.  She shares the challenges she faced and discusses how she advocated for her needs.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.  You can also check out Amber’s birth story and her experience with the Becoming course.  

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello, hello.  This is Kristin, and I am joined again by Amber Shaw.  Now, Amber filled us in a bit on her VBAC story, and today we’re going to talk about her postnatal journey.  Welcome, Amber!

Amber:  Thank you so much!

Kristin:  So fill us in.  We’ve talked a bit about your birth story with Miles, but now we’re going to talk about, you know, immediately coming home from delivering and just how you felt in recovery and feeding and all of the things.

Amber:  Well, I guess my story kind of starts, you know, right after my delivery.  So going into it, I didn’t know really what to expect with a vaginal delivery and the healing process because my first was a C-section.  So I knew what that was like.  And, you know, I prepared and I bought the padsicles and, like, bought the stuff, you know, to kind of heal myself, but looking back on it, I think that so much preparation goes into birth.  You spend months and months mentally and physically preparing for birth, and it’s kind of like a – it happens in the blink of an eye almost, and then you’re kind of left with your postpartum journey, which I don’t think is prepared for nearly enough.

Kristin:  Totally agree.

Amber:  Yeah.  That was kind of my realization.  I went into it thinking that, you know, a vaginal birth was going to be way easier to heal from.  I was going to be able to just kind of, you know, get up and start moving around and start walking, and I was just going to bounce back quicker.  And so right after delivery, I get up into my room, and they want me to get up and go to the bathroom, and I realized I couldn’t walk at all.  It was excruciating, and it wasn’t even necessarily the stitch area, it was just everything.

Kristin:  And the cramping you feel after delivery.

Amber:  Yeah, as well as my pelvic bone.  It was my pubic bone, I quickly realized, because I couldn’t take a step forward.  I had to, like, side shuffle almost because I had so much destabilization from pushing for so long, and it was just shocking to me.  Like, the pain was shocking.  The fact that I couldn’t walk was shocking.  It’s, like, not what I expected, and I feel like I immediately was just like kind of taken off guard by what was going on with my body.  And so – and they were – I think the nurses – like, everybody was just kind of confused as to why I couldn’t walk, and the whole pubic symphysis situation I was feeling still wasn’t really realized at that point, even by me.  I just didn’t understand why I couldn’t walk.  And come to find out a little bit down the road, like, now we understand what happened and why I was in so much pain.  But every single time I had to get up and go to the bathroom, I had to call the nurses in.  Just this big thing, and just not what I expected at all.  So the first night in the hospital was really rough.  I was having a hard time just getting pain under control, and again, with my first birth, you’re on narcotics when you have a C-section because, obviously, it’s like a surgical procedure.  But this time, like, I felt, you know, like my body went through more, and you’re given, like, Tylenol.  It’s just kind of laughable thinking about it.  Not that I wanted to be, like, drugged up, but it’s like, oh, my gosh.  It just didn’t even, like, light a candle to the discomfort I was dealing with.  So I was really just more leaning on other things I could do because obviously, you know, I didn’t really have, like, pain medication to help with the discomfort.  So I was trying to keep a lot of ice on myself, but it was rough.  And I do feel like I was let go from the hospital probably sooner than I should have been.  I was still just, like, not mobile at all.  And we just weren’t prepared for this.  You know, we have a four-year-old at home.  I have a newborn, and I needed full time care myself.  Like, I couldn’t get up and move at all.  Like, I had to be helped to the bathroom.  You know, I had a walker.  I had to use a walker at home.  So my mom ended up coming, thank God.  She met us here the night I got home from the hospital, and she stayed with us for, like, three weeks.  That was such a blessing, and I look back on it, and I don’t know what I would have done if she wouldn’t have been able to come at the drop of the dime like that.  It’s not what we were planning on, you know?  I thought I was going to be up and moving and, you know, Ashton was off of work, and he was going to be able to help out with the boys, too, but that just was not our situation at all.  So that was really helpful.  So she met us at our house that night, and man, the first couple nights were just so rough.  I couldn’t find a comfortable spot to be in at all.  Like, laying down was painful.  Sitting up fully was painful.  I think I slept the first night at home, like, in a recliner with the bassinet next to me, just having a hard time finding any comfort at all at first.  And then a couple days later, when I was just not as raw but obviously still dealing with some discomforts, I had Annie from Rise come out and do some adjustments, you know, for Miles and I, and I just cried and cried to her.  I was just broken.  I didn’t understand why I couldn’t even walk at that point, and I just was devastated at the state of my body.  And also kind of at this point, a friend of mine had come over the night after I had gotten home because I just, like, had some concerns about how I was feeling.  I felt like my blood pressure was really low.  I was just feeling so completely depleted, and I just didn’t know if it was normal or not.  And so she came over, and she noticed that I had a little bit of an arrhythmia going on with my heart, and she’s like, has anybody ever noticed that before?  You know, nobody – it hasn’t really been brought up before.  So I was like, no, not really.  You know, it might just be, like, a postpartum thing.  So I brought it up to Annie.  She kind of noticed it, as well.  Then it was kind of just forgotten about.  You know, she adjusted me, and my heart was feeling weird, but there was so much other stuff going on, you know, with my body.  I kind of ignored that for the time being.  So two weeks after Miles was born, I came down with my first round of mastitis.

Kristin:  Miserable!

Amber:  Oh, my gosh.  Yeah, it was – you know, I’d read about it, and I was always really scared to get it with Parker, so I was really diligent about pumping and massaging and just always emptying myself, and I feel like because, you know, this healing process was so different, I wasn’t managing my breastfeeding as well.  Like, I kind of let him feed on one side and then – you know, he’s kind of a grazer.  He doesn’t, like, empty me on both sides.  He kind of grazes.  And so I was just kind of letting him do that, and yeah, the mastitis came on quick, and I didn’t even really realize what it was.  I thought I had like a UTI or something.  And the very next day was – you know, we had an appointment with Miles, and my midwife checked me out in the bathroom.  I didn’t really have an appointment with her, but she’s like, I want to look at you.  And she kind of realized that I had mastitis because I was pretty engorged at that point, but I still was like, I don’t know if I do.  But absolutely did.  It hit really hard and fast.  That was really rough.  And always just a little discouraging to get that, you know, right off the bat because you just want to, like, start out your breastfeeding journey so strong, and it was discouraging to have that going on while I was dealing with so many other issues, and I was so scared about my supply.

Kristin:  Of course.

Amber:  And being on antibiotics, you know, right after you have a baby.  I didn’t want to do that.  But, you know, ultimately, your care has to kind of come first because if you’re not doing well, obviously, you can’t care for you baby as well, either.  So that was another little hurdle that was pretty tough.  But it’s weird.  It comes on quick but also goes away relatively quickly.  So after a day or two of antibiotics, I started feeling better and my supply kind of got back up and kind of got over that hurdle a little bit.  So I was still dealing with not being able to walk very well, but it was getting a little bit better at this point.  And I had my six week checkup, and I was still dealing with quite a bit of discomfort in my stitch area and particularly one side of my stitches, so I felt like one side was healing better than the other.  And I didn’t know if that was normal.  I feel like you never know what’s normal because –

Kristin:  Every experience was new to you.  It was different.

Amber:  Yeah.  Yeah, and I feel like everything’s normal and everything’s not normal at the same time.  You’re just like – you know, this is my journey.  You know, maybe this is normal to experience, but at the same time, you’re kind of questioning everything at the same time.  You kind of feel like you’re kind of floating along with just not a lot of direction on the healing process and what that should look like.  And so I had my six-week appointment, and I was checked – I brought up my concern, and I said that I was still having quite a bit of pain on side.  And during my exam, it was realized that I needed a revision on my stitches.  So that was quite a blow.  I had already had six weeks of healing under my belt and then had to have them redone on one side, on that side that I had quite a bit of pain in.  And it was explained to me – you know, obviously, when you push for a while, you’re very swollen, and I was stitched up when I was pretty swollen.  They try to kind of piece the tissue back together as much as possible, but sometimes things can happen, and so I had some nerve and rawness exposure that needed to be fixed, and that was really scary because I was still so, just – I was just wrecked down there, and to think about going through that while I was still in the process of healing was just terrifying, and it really – that was, like, a tough thing to wrap my head around.  And so it happened pretty quickly.  The very next week, I ended up getting in and got the revision done, and that really set me back quite a bit.  I expected it to be, obviously, like, painful and uncomfortable, but it really kind of – it was extremely uncomfortable, and I really had a hard time with the pain during the revision healing process, like almost worse than the first time around, and I’m not really sure why that is.  But yeah, thank God, my mom ended up coming back yet again.  Yeah, she was at our house kind of helping with everything while I took it easy and just iced.  And it took quite a while for that to get back to kind of a normal – to feel like I was actually, like, healing.  I feel like it’s such a blur still in my mind, like, all of it, so it’s kind of hard to, like, sort.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Amber:  So healing from the revision was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.  You know, I was thinking I just had to get it revised on one side, but it really set me back quite a bit in just my healing process.  I felt like I was kind of at the beginning all over again.  Ice a ton and just having to, like, rest a lot.  And I am just a busy body.  I’m not good at resting, and at this point, I’m, like, seven weeks into my healing journey, and I’m feeling like I’m on week one again.  And it was just a really discouraging time.

Kristin:  Right, because you think you’ll get cleared for exercise and all of these things by that point.

Amber:  Yeah, like, six weeks is what you kind of, like, have a goal of just having some kind of normalcy back, and I was not even close to that.  I wasn’t even close to normalcy.  And it was – I just felt like I had so many people reaching out and being like, how are you, how are you, and I was so sick of even talking about all of these hurdles I was facing, so I wasn’t even really being honest with people because it was just exhausting.  For me to tell them that I had yet another thing done, and even talking about a revision, it’s kind of – just not something you want to talk to people about because it’s just one of those things about pregnancy and healing that you’re kind of just, like, mum about a little bit.  And so I just felt like I was kind of alone, you know, kind of just dealing with this postpartum thing on my own, and I was clearly on my own timeline.

Kristin:  Did you reach out to your doulas?  I know you and I talked, but –

Amber:  Yeah, I was definitely in touch with them.  I mean, I had my little tribe, of course, of people that I felt comfortable with and would talk about things with, but as a whole, I kind of started to kind of get reclusive with people and just – I just didn’t even have energy to talk about it anymore because I felt like every time I would kind of jump ahead in my journey a little bit, I had something that knocked me back.  And so this was kind of a little bit of a dark time during the revision process.  Also, not to mention, this was during the summer, and I was really looking forward to being able to get in the water with my son again.  I did not swim at all this summer, and that seems like something so little, but we were out at our cabin a lot, and I just could never get in and play with him, and he didn’t really understand why.  Like, he did; he knew that I was healing, but it was just sad to sit on the sidelines and not be able to play in the water because that’s something that I do a lot.

Kristin:  In Michigan, I mean, summer is our time.

Amber:  Yes.  Summer was just – oh, this summer just didn’t count for me, you know?  It might as well have been like the winter.  I just feel like I wasn’t able to really enjoy a lot of it.  But eventually, I did heal from the revision.  Had obviously a lot of sensitivity for a long time.  I still do.  But that kind of started to fizzle off and I started to heal a little bit from that.  Well, at my two-week checkup before my revision, I was in there and the nurse took my pulse, my heart rate, and she, like, looked really concerned, and then she did it again, and she wasn’t even, like, talking to me.  And then she’s like, your heart rate is really low.  Hold on one second.  And then, you know, she went out and got her watch to do it the old school way.  My heart rate was at, like, 32, which is insanely low.  So normal is, like, 60 is the low end of normal.  It’s like 60 to 100 with women.  And I was in the 30s, and she’s like, this is really concerning.  Do you usually have a low heart rate, and I don’t.  Then my OB came in and checked it too, and they were like, we should advise you really to go to the walk-in clinic or the ER right now, but how are you feeling?  And I felt okay, but as they were talking about it, I could feel my anxiety almost start to rise.  Like, it was like a placebo thing, and I was like, oh, my God, my heart rate does feel really weird right now.  They were like, you need to follow up with your primary care physician immediately about this.  And so it was concerning, you know?  They didn’t know why my heart rate was so low.  And so I ended up getting in with my primary care physician a couple weeks later, and I kind of thought about it, and I was, like, noticing it a little bit more, and then I kind of remembered that this was brought to my attention, like, weeks earlier, but I had just had so much other stuff I was juggling with healing and my postpartum stuff that I just wasn’t even paying attention to my heart.  But now that everything else was kind of starting to feel a little bit more normal, my heart was, like, center stage now, and it was like, okay, you have to deal with me now.  So, you know, I was like, how is this now happening?  You know what I mean?  Like, I just felt like I had one thing after another, and I was like, what is going on with my heart now?  So I have a newborn and I have a four-year-old, and it’s concerning.  So I got into my primary care physician, and she put a heart monitor on me, so I wore a heart monitor for a week and it recorded everything.  Got that data in.  And then I had a meeting with her, essentially going over what she found, and she was like, you need to see a cardiologist.  You have a lot of irregularities, essentially, with your heart going on right now.  You have extreme highs and lows.  So I was going from my heartrate being in the 30s to in the high 100s, back and forth all day long.  And she was like, this is not a normal thing.  You need to get this checked out.  And so I ended up getting in to see a cardiologist, and this was a very stressful time, thinking that I’m on the verge of having a heart attack, and I felt like because I was more aware of it, I was causing probably more of it.  I was having a lot of palpitations at this point, and it was just a really stressful thing, obviously, for my family.  My husband’s really concerned about me, and it’s my heart.  And so it took a while to get in to see a cardiologist because, of course, any time you need a specialist –

Kristin:  And it’s COVID.  So of course, like…

Amber:  Yeah.  It took a bit, so probably three or four weeks, I had to wait to get in to see a cardiologist.  But – and I’m still kind of on this journey right now, but long story short, I’ve essentially been diagnosed with benign PVCs.  What that means is I have – my heart, like, misses a beat and then does, like, a double beat, like all day long.  And he thinks it is due to trauma from birth and my healing process and also anxiety, which is kind of crazy that birth and just all of the stress of that can affect one of your organs like that.  I am going to get a second opinion coming up in a few weeks here because I’m still very much experiencing it, and it was left a little open ended.  I don’t know when or if there’s going to be an end to it.  It might be something that I always deal with.  So it’s kind of just this thing that’s still happening.  Like, I feel it happening right now.  I have palpitations.  And it’s kind of becoming a new norm for me, but I’m also like, can this be alleviated somehow?  So, yeah, still very much dealing with that.  But looking back on my postpartum journey, it was not as I expected, and I felt very caught off guard by just how my body, I guess reacted to birth.  Like, it was – I felt like I was at the strongest moment in my life immediately followed by the weakest moment of my life.  Not being able to walk directly after, and that was such a hard thing to grapple with because I was so proud of what I had just done, and then I felt like my body just fell apart, and I kind of abandoned it.  I was like, I don’t know you anymore, and I’m not going to take care of you like I should.  I felt like I just wasn’t in touch with myself as much anymore because I just felt like it failed me.  And so I’m very much on a journey right now of trying to love myself, like, where I’m at, love my body where it’s at, be in gratitude of it for what it’s done and what it’s still doing instead of cursing it for not working like it should and jumping back as quickly as I wanted it to.  It’s been a huge learning process for me that I’m very much still in, and it’s going to be a long journey for me, I think.  And I just feel like I wanted to talk about this because I think women, and obviously society, there is a pushback going on right now, thank God, of just the bounce back that you should experience and that you think is, like, normal after birth.  And every single birth is different, and every single person’s body is different, and you have no idea –

Kristin:  Exactly, and every baby is different, so temperaments and sleep and feeding, it’s all unique.

Amber:  Yep.  So to expect to fit into some kind of box, to think that you need to, like, get back to normal even at six weeks, I think, is insane.  Six weeks is nothing compared to, like, the trauma that your body just went through.  So for that to be, like, this goal of women to be like, I can have sex and I can work out and I can do all these things at six weeks – like, get that out of your head.

Kristin:  And fit in my jeans and all of the goals that we have, which are unrealistic, and you look at traditional cultures and the time that they take for healing and community caring for them, I mean, it’s the first 40 days in many cultures, some even longer than that, where they’re not lifting a finger.  And yeah, so it’s just – I feel like we need to get back to really caring for each other, and the role of a postpartum doula in a lot of that nurturing and healing phase and getting systems in place is so key.

Amber:  Absolutely.  I was so grateful to have my mom, and if I didn’t have my mom, I absolutely would have had a postpartum doula because when you have another child, especially – like, your husband can only take care of so many people.

Kristin:  Your partner needs sleep.

Amber:  Yeah.  You are the patient, and you need to view yourself as a patient.  Obviously, the baby needs care and your other child needs care, but you need it just as much, and I definitely went through a lot of phases where I was just like, not taking care of myself like I should have been.  I felt like my body kept just reminding me, like, you need to slow down.  I’m going to give you another hurdle here to slow you down, to slow you down.

Kristin:  And as you said, you’re someone who’s always on the go.  I can relate to that, and I don’t like to slow down for anything.  So, yeah, but it is key to be able to have your mother there to mother you, and that’s what postpartum doulas – you know, we always tell our clients, the birthing person is our primary client, then the baby, then the partner and the other children.  So it’s like – yeah.

Amber:  I feel like you’re such an afterthought after birth.  You know, like, you’re just expected to heal in this linear line.  Unfortunately, I feel like women, if they’re in a traditional setting, it’s very cut and dry.  You know, you give birth.  You go through this process.  They see you at six weeks.  You’re cleared at six weeks, and that’s it, and it’s like there’s so much gray area floating around in that of – just so much gray area that you need to have somebody like a doula or just support people in general to just let you know that you’re okay and you’re on a road to recovery, and what you’re experiencing is normal.

Kristin:  Yeah, and before we end, talking about building your team of support, what point – I know that you were seeing a pelvic floor therapist for healing.  At what point were you able to get help after healing?

Amber:  It took me a long time, mainly because of my tissue damage.  So I wanted to see a pelvic floor therapist immediately.  Like, I wanted to see them at six weeks, but at six weeks, I had to be restitched.  So to have anybody down there doing anything was just cringe-worthy for me.

Kristin:  Of course.

Amber:  So I feel like I got a later start to therapy than I wanted to have, but it was also just – it was my timeline.  And so I just started seeing a pelvic floor therapist about six weeks ago.  I’m dealing with some prolapse, as well.  So I wasn’t sure that’s what it was.  You know, I was experiencing just sensations down there that I knew wasn’t normal, but once again, when it’s your first vaginal birth and you’re healing from that, you don’t know what normal is.

Kristin:  Right.  You have nothing to compare it to.

Amber:  Nothing to compare it to, yeah.  So, yeah, I’m dealing with some prolapse, so I’m primarily going to pelvic floor PT for my prolapse.  And also my pubic bone is still giving me problems.  It’s not nearly as bad.  I can walk, but still, overextending it, overexerting it, I still get kind of sore.  But the prolapse is the big thing at this point that I’m trying to get under control.

Kristin:  But you’re back at barre, slowly.

Amber:  I am.  I am back at barre, yep.  And honestly, I know I talked about it for pregnancy, but it’s such an incredible thing postpartum as well because so many of the movements are engaging your pelvic floor and engaging your core muscles, and those are the things that you need to build back up after having a baby and being pregnant.  So once again, it’s been such a huge blessing in my recovery process that I’m just so lucky that I have.  Yeah, I’m grateful for sure.

Kristin:  There’s so many lessons in this podcast as we wrap it up here.  I think one is listening to your body.  What other advice do you have for our listeners?

Amber:  Grace.  Being so graceful with yourself and just trying so hard to deeply love yourself through it.  I had this really intense moment that I’ll share that’s pretty vulnerable, but it was kind of a little bit of a breakthrough with me.  So I didn’t really realize how much I had abandoned myself during my healing process.  I was kind of in victim mode a little bit and just feeling like I didn’t understand why all these things kept happening, and I was just in kind of a dark space and not connected to myself.  I was impatient.  I was just not feeling good.  And so I took a bath one day, and I was doing this loving kindness meditation, and the beginning of it was doing a body scan and just feeling deeply into your body, and I just started bawling in the bathtub.  And I didn’t really realize at first where the tears were coming from, and then I realized it’s because I have not even paid attention to my body like that in so long.  Like, to even feel in my body, to feel where tension was, and it was just such an emotional moment, and I just, like, hugged myself in the bath, and I just felt so sad at how I had been treating my body and myself.

Kristin:  Because you’re caring for your son and…

Amber:  Yeah.  I felt like I had this big dream of having this unmedicated vaginal birth, and then I did it, and that was like – that was it.  I didn’t think about it anymore after that.  And I didn’t really, like – I didn’t celebrate that success, you know?

Kristin:  Yeah, your body did it.  You beat the odds.

Amber:  Yeah, like, I just was like, okay, well, on to the next thing.  Now we’re going to heal.  Now we have this long process.  And I didn’t give her credit for all she had done and all she was still doing.  And I just think deeply loving yourself through the healing process and loving your body, loving the fact that your body is making milk and still feeding your child and giving life to your child and healing itself and all of the things it’s simultaneously doing.  I just wish I would have had that realization sooner because I just wonder if my process would have been different if I would have been more in tune and more in love with myself through it.

Kristin:  It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it to really see the light.

Amber:  Yeah.

Kristin:  I’m so glad that you did.

Amber:  Me, too.  It took a little bit, but I always end up coming around at some point with some crazy lessons along the way.  But yeah, I just think my advice is, put as much thought into your healing process and postpartum and the support that you need as you do into your birth that you want because it is a bigger journey than birth is and than pregnancy is, at least it was for me.  And I just wish I would have put more thought into that and, like, just what I needed and what I – I don’t know.  I went into it really a little bit blindly and was blindsided because of that.

Kristin:  Beautiful, yes.  I agree.  And we talk a lot about that in the Becoming course about how postpartum is as important.  So thanks for sharing your story, Amber.  We need to talk about our stories more, so I appreciate you.

Amber:  Yes.  Thank you so much, Kristin.  I really appreciate it.

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

Kristin and Kaitlin McGreyes of Be Her Village discuss the importance of registering for services vs. things and her groundbreaking new gift registry platform.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you find your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello, hello.  This is Kristin with Ask the Doulas, and I’m joined today by Kaitlin McGreyes.  How are you, Kaitlin?

Kaitlin:  I’m so great, Kristin.  Thank you so much for having me.  I’m really excited to be here.

Kristin:  Yeah, I’m thrilled to chat with you.  So if you would give us a bit about not only your experience in the maternal space but also some info about Be Her Village, your online platform and registry.

Kaitlin:  Absolutely.  Well, I didn’t set out to be in the maternal space, actually, until I became a mother.  I was a special ed teacher in New York City, and I went to go have my first child, and I just had a really underwhelming experience.  And I feel like part of what was underwhelming about it or traumatic – I sometimes don’t embrace the word traumatic for my first experience, but part of it was like, I thought I knew what I needed.  I thought that I had done the right things, and then it sort of just all fell apart anyway.  And, like, the birth fell apart.  The birth went sideways.  I ended up with a C-section, which was fine.  It was, like, the first time in my birth that somebody listened was when I was like, can I have a C-section?  Can this be over?  Can we just get the baby out?  And what happened, though, is like I landed sort of in postpartum with a newborn with cracked and bleeding nipples with a C-section with my body sort of torn to pieces – sorry for anyone who’s pregnant and listening to this!  But I was, like, in this really tough spot.  My husband had to go back to work.  There was no paternity leave for him, and I was alone in my nursery, and I was just looking around and I was, like, surrounded by all this stuff, and I was alone and I needed help, and I didn’t have it.  And that for me was like my entry into motherhood.  And so it set me on this journey of sort of trying to figure out what happened to me and why.  Why an independent, intelligent, outspoken young woman could, like, sort of have this horrible experience of feeling voiceless and powerless and then alone and unsupported as I became a mother.  And so the first place that brought me was into doula work.  I actually had a second birth where I hired a doula.  It ended up being a VBAC birth, which was wonderful and life-altering.  But I’m always so careful to say that.  The stuff that was hard about my first birth was not the C-section, and the stuff that was joyful and transformative about my second was not the vaginal birth.  It was everything else.  You know, it was, like, finding my own power and stepping into it and finding my voice and being more active in my care and choosing care providers, that sort of thing.  And after having, like, this completely different experience the second time, I thought, well, I need to do something.  I need to do something.  I’ve always been the kind of person that wants to “change the world,” and at least I can work with mothers and I can help them have more of the second kind of birth, more of an empowered birth, more of an experience where they understand the choices that are in front of them and understand how to navigate their birth space and their birth team and how to have a better birth experience.  So I ended up going through my doula training when my second baby was five months old, and almost right away, I started doing doula work full time.  I ended up founding a doula team and just really went really hard into doula work for about five years after.  And I had another baby in the middle of that, as well.  And so it’s not really something I planned on, but I just – after going through the maternal healthcare system myself and experiencing the shortcomings of it myself, I really couldn’t just go back to normal life, you know?  Motherhood just changed me and altered me, and it made me take action into it.  So that’s my background in this maternal health space.  What I’m doing right now is actually sort of a natural progression of that.  So it’s like, okay, gave birth, jumped in, hands-on doula work.  And at a certain point, I was just feeling like, all right, so we’re doing 50 births a year, let’s say, and that’s wonderful, and the people we were reaching were having really just incredible experiences deeply impacted by the work that they were doing within our practice.  We were running workshops.  We were – you know, it wasn’t just doula support.  It was a lot.  And then it’s like, all right, well, how do we make sure everybody can have this?  I started learning about Black maternal mortality in our country and that four times as many Black women are dying as white women.  I learned that 12 times as many Black women are dying in New York City, my city, versus white women.  And I started really just waking up to – and still it’s sort of an unfolding, right, as a white person to wake up to this sort of thing – I started waking up to the inequities that exist in our country.  I started realizing that the reason why people aren’t hiring doulas isn’t necessarily because they don’t know about us.  It’s becoming a lot more popular.  Often it’s because they don’t have the money and they don’t have access to our care.  And so I thought, well, how can I change that?  How can I do that?  Without doing what somebody else is doing, like, what can I create?  What can I add to this plethora of all these intelligent, creative beings that are working on this?   And I started thinking about something I think – I wonder if you can relate to and what many people that are listening can relate to, which is, like, this idea that we have people walking around with, like, $900 strollers and the fanciest of baby gadgets, and they don’t have a doula because they can’t afford it.  But, like, where did they get that stroller from or that fancy baby gear?   They didn’t buy it themselves.  Their families bought it for them.  Their friends bought it for them at their baby shower.  And so I started thinking about baby showers as this point of support going towards families, but that support is coming at them in the form of thousands of dollars of baby stuff that, as anybody who’s already had a kid knows, we don’t use at least half of it, right?  It takes up space.  And then you have mothers who are – I mean, parents in general also, but really mothers who are just left behind, who are ignored, who are just sort of, okay, you had your baby.  Cool.  Go home.  We’ll see you in six weeks.  And there’s no in-home support.  There’s no support system that’s built in.  Some of us are lucky enough to have one.  Some of us are lucky enough to have thousands of dollars to pay for one.  But the vast majority of women are struggling and are going without their needs met and are going through this incredibly transformative time in our lives completely alone.  And the outcomes really support that.  Like, we are just behind as far as, if you look on an international scale, the United States is the only developed country with rising maternal mortality, 50% of which of women are dying after their babies are born, after they’ve left the hospital.  So there’s this huge gap in care, and while I don’ think Be Her Village and our gift registry is the answer to the entire maternal mortality crisis, I think it is one answer.  I think what we’re doing is offering parents a way to line up their support team ahead of time to understand thinking about support, first of all.  Like, identifying that support, and then most importantly, using Be Her Village as a gift registry to get the funds in their account to pay for that support because the support we need – doulas, lactation support, pelvic floor PTs, mental health care, birth doulas, childbirth education, community support groups and classes – all of these things are not covered by insurance, and if they are, it’s patchy and not accessible to everybody.  So with Be Her Village, we are offering parents a way to line up that support and get the funds that they’re getting from their baby shower in the form of a support team.

Kristin:  Exactly.  And can you walk us through what the experience on the platform is like?  And, yeah, for not only the pregnant individual but also for healthcare-related practitioners.

Kaitlin:  Absolutely, yes.  So we’ll start with the parents.  We created Be Her Village thinking about parents, and thinking about the people who are supporting parents.  So we want Be Her Village to feel like you’re shopping on Amazon.  We want it to feel really easy and really familiar, right, because I think as gift-buyers, like, to go do something new, it’s hard enough to get someone to go to a regular registry, right?  So we wanted to make it feel as easy as possible.  So it’s actually – it’s super simple.  You go, you create a registry, and you have two options.  You can create your own registry listings if you know who your support providers are.  You can put them right in there and register for all the different types of support that you’d like.  Or you can go into our registry guide.  You put in your location, and it populates with providers that are in your area for each different category.  And what you do is you fill out your registry and, you know, you can put acupuncture, childbirth education classes, diaper services, mental health care, doulas, that sort of thing.  Anything that you want; it’s going to look different for each person.  You connect your bank account.  It’s super simple.  It’s just a couple of steps, and then your friends and family, you can give them a registry card.  You can send them a link to your registry.  Some people put us on their invitations.  Sort of a variety of ways, but you share it with your family, and then they come and they shop like they would shop on anything else.  If you have a $500 doula, they can put $50 towards that doula.  They can give you an entire gift or a partial gift, and those funds go directly into your bank account so that you can spend it on the support that you need.  So we’re really trying to take this $12 billion that’s being spent on baby gifts, baby stuff, baby gear, and funnel that towards parents and towards support for parents.  So for providers, what we also do is we want providers to be able to use Be Her Village with their own clients.  So we’ve made it really easy for providers to create a free profile.  All of their services can be listed on that profile, and then they can share Be Her Village within their practice and with people who are thinking about using them so that they can get clients another way of raising the funds to pay for out-of-pocket costs.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  Especially during these times of COVID where family member would normally want to be very hands-on and involved after baby or babies are born, they may not be able to.  And, you know, that isolation is a real issue the last couple of years.

Kaitlin:  It is.  Kristin, when will it be over?

Kristin:  I have no idea!

Kaitlin:  I’m not even a new mom, and, like, I am feeling that, and I just feel so heartbroken for people who are growing their families and starting their families during this time.  It is not normal.  None of this is okay.  It’s just not.  I don’t have anything to, like, make it better.  It’s just – yes.  I think part of what’s so crushing about this pandemic is that moms needed support before this pandemic, and we need it now more than ever.  The hospital system is really hard to navigate, and there’s not, you know, like, library groups.  That’s where I always went when I had young kids.  You know, like, library classes and little gyms and all these places where moms would find the support of one another.  There’s just nothing like sitting in a room with someone who is in the exact same position as you or has been, like, a month before you, to make it feel okay.  And yes, absolutely, I think it’s really a struggle.  I think families are trying to keep their elderly and their older generations safe, which often means isolating them from the people that, you know, that need their support, quite frankly.  Or there’s travel restrictions.  People don’t feel safe traveling or can’t travel to come help a new parent the way they normally would.  It’s extraordinarily difficult, and now more than ever, I think we need support.  It hasn’t changed in the pandemic.  If anything, it’s just gotten – the need is more pressing.

Kristin:  And that’s exactly why we created our Becoming a Mother course, because our clients were feeling isolated.  They wanted to connect.  They didn’t feel safe connecting in person, and of course, you know, their providers and pediatricians are talking about isolating, restricting visitors after baby’s born and even in the hospital with visitor restrictions.  There has to be a way to connect, and I know you have Facebook connecting groups and you’ve done things beyond just the virtual platform and registry.

Kaitlin:  Oh, absolutely, yeah.  So we are – I mean, we’re actually – it’s an active goal of ours is to really build out that community of parents because, you know, the people who understand the need for support, the people who are starting off their parenthood journey or in the middle of their parenthood journey and are finding Be Her Village, it’s really a select crowd, you know?  It’s really, like, people that are thinking about themselves and thinking about their baby’s needs as their needs, too.  Right?  Like, it’s not just about the baby.  It’s about the dyad of the parent/baby relationship.  And so we are finding more and more ways with our Facebook groups, and we’re going to start introducing some virtual events soon of just, like, let’s get together in a room and let’s connect because it’s really special to have, you know, other people who are likeminded and who understand that need for support.  It’s a completely different way of thinking, quite honestly.  We have this reel that’s going viral right now or, I guess, went viral on Instagram, and it has 2.2 million views the last time I checked.  It’s kind of wild, because we, like, put it up – we put reels up all the time, and nothing happened.  And then three weeks later, I don’t know what happened in the Instagram algorithm, but it just started taking off.  But the comments are so revealing because there’s so many people in the comments telling us – telling me, telling Janelle, telling us as Be Her Village, that we’re just – that we are being ungrateful and that we don’t deserve support as mothers, that if you become a mother, you’re on your own.  And it’s just, like, this toxic poison out there.  And it’s like, well, you know, you get what you get and you don’t get upset.  And I’m like, literally about write a dissertation on, like, people-pleasing and how it creates – and how telling little girls that creates people-pleasing women, you know, and how we just need to stop and just recognize that.  And so I feel like it’s tough because there’s so much that needs to shift, and a lot of it needs to shift within us.  So to find other people that already sort of have this basic understanding of motherhood should not be punishment, and it’s not something that’s done alone, but it’s something that we do within a community and interdependence and being uplifted by others is not just a way, it’s the way.  It’s the only way.  It’s the only way anything moves forward, and I think there’s just a really unique set of people that understand that right now, and we’re growing that awareness as we go.  But I think as a new mom, it can be really – there’s nothing better than finding your people, you know?  Than finding people that really understand the experience that you’re going through, and I think that’s so valuable.  So the course that you guys are doing, it’s just – I think the more options and the more access that new parents, especially in a pandemic but always, have to connection and support is – there can’t be too many, for sure.

Kristin:  Exactly.  And I feel like, you know, again, there’s this hustle and bustle in the US about getting your body back into shape, not asking for help, just getting back to work as soon as possible, and so much pressure compared to traditional cultures where they support families for at least the first 30 days, some into a year.

Kaitlin:  Yes.  So we were on NPR, and I had to do a presentation as part of the NPR fellowship, and I did research into what other countries have.  And let me tell you, Kristin, it is, like, mind-boggling.  There’s this, like, strange American individualism that is, quite frankly, toxic.  This whole, like, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, like you can do it, and if you don’t, you’re on your own.  I don’t get it.  I think I probably should have been born in Europe or something.  I don’t know.  But I just don’t get it.  I don’t get this idea that we are completely on our own and that if we are failing that, like, we’re bad.  You know?  And I just don’t – I just think that, like, if you look at any other developed country besides the United States, mothers are thriving.  They’re thriving.  And that’s not to say that things aren’t, like, needing improvement.  But their maternal mortality rates are down and dropping, whereas ours are up and climbing, which is unacceptable right there.  But maternal mortality is really – like, the mortality, mothers dying, is one end of a spectrum, right?  So, like, yeah, women – maybe more women are surviving, but, like, are they thriving?  Is their mental health intact?  Are our pelvic floors intact?  Are we breastfeeding at the rates that we’d like to be?  Are we losing income?  Do we have paid maternity leave?  Like, there’s just so many pieces of this puzzle that we need to address, and instead of thinking of it as, like, I was able to get through this, it’s like, well, I deserve – I deserve – I shouldn’t have to be strong.  I shouldn’t have to know all of these things.  I shouldn’t have to have $10,000 to hire the best support team.  It should just be the way.  It should be easy for mothers to become mothers and to stay whole and be supported every step of the way.  And so that’s the world I’m working towards, where we’re normalizing mothers being supported, where we’re normalizing thinking about them as we’re gifting.  When we think of making a gift for a baby shower, usually it’s because you want to help.  You want to make it easier for that family as they transition.  And so with Be Her Village, what we’re doing is we’re saying, well, there is a way.  There’s a way for you to give a gift that will be meaningful and impactful and will really help this family as they transition and welcome this baby.

Kristin:  So much better than clothes that they’ll outgrow or an extra baby blanket.

Kaitlin:  Yes.  Kristin, let me tell you, we are making so many baby blanket makers very angry on Instagram.  They’re very offended.

Kristin:  Oh, no.

Kaitlin:  It’s okay.  We’re going to make people mad because we’re saying something that’s kind of a big deal.  You know, it shouldn’t be a big deal to say moms deserve support and, hey, why don’t we gift them some support for their baby shower, but there’s lot of people that are really suck in their ways and stuck in, well, you have to – you know, you have to gift people this thing, or I used this gadget.  What people don’t understand, though, is, like, baby showers were created by the baby gift industry.  They created it as a ritual so that they could sell their stuff.  It’s really all created and manufactured, and I think that what we’re trying to do with Be Her Village is in line with what you guys are doing.  It’s like, it’s about getting back to the basics of coming together and supporting the mother and focusing on what actually matters.  And the truth is, a bunch of plastic gear that you may or may not use is not really the thing that new parents need.

Kristin:  No.  So, we are running out of time, but feel free to give our listeners any last tips or advice about this amazing and terrifying journey into motherhood.

Kaitlin:  Yeah.  What would my advice be?  I would just say – there’s so many things that come to mind.  I would say to, if nothing else, look at your baby as needing first and foremost a well-supported caregiver.  And so when you think about how can I care for my baby, it’s how can I care for myself.  Oxygen mask goes on you first so that then you can take care of them because, I mean, it’s really – that’s what it comes down to is that we have to care for the parents so that they have the energy and the stability and the joy in parenting that they deserve and that the baby deserves.  So please, think about yourself.  Think about your support team.  Create a support plan.  You can go to Be Her Village, find out more about types of support available and create your registry and start getting the funds to pay for that support that you deserve.

Kristin:  Exactly.  Beautiful.  And so you’re on quite a few social platforms.  Outside of your website, how else can our listeners connect with you?

Kaitlin:  Great.  So definitely behervillage.com.   We are also on Instagram, and Janelle, who’s actually a former doula client turned friend turned employee with Be Her Village, she does reels every week, and they are hilarious.  So definitely go check out our Instagram if you’re not following us there.  We’re also on Facebook, and so we have Be Her Village community group for professionals and families and support, not just actively pregnant people but, you know, their parents, grandparents, that sort of thing.  And we also have Be Her Village professionals group for any professionals that are looking to network there.  We are also on Facebook.  We have a Facebook page.  And we have a podcast, as well, actually.  You can find us on podcast apps pretty much everywhere.  And we do a little bit different from this.  We talk to both parents and professionals.  It’s a mishmash of the two, talking about the types of support that are available because I have to be honest, I’ve been a mom for almost ten years, which is absolutely nuts to say, and I have three kids, and I’ve been a doula for seven years, and I’m still kind of learning.  Sometimes I get surprised about the types of support that are available and, like, the real nuance behind how important it is and what people are doing.  So I learn a whole lot doing those podcasts.  Really, really fun.

Kristin:  Well, thank you so much, and I love everything you’re doing and appreciate your insight, Kaitlin.

Kaitlin:  Of course, Kristin.  Thank you so much for being part of this and for inviting me.  I just love the work that you’re doing, and I think that the only way forward as an industry, and now I’m talking to birth professionals, is to work together.  And so I’m really grateful for you for the invitation.

Kristin:  Yeah, it’s so true, and we’re very thankful to be on your platform, and the Facebook support group has been great.  So really appreciate it.

Kaitlin:  Excellent.  Wonderful.  Thank you so much.

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

Kristin and Kelly discuss the formula shortage and share resources to help families during this stressful time.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello, hello.  This is Kristin.  I’m co-host of Ask the Doulas and owner of Gold Coast Doulas, and I’m joined today by Kelly Emery.  Welcome, Kelly!

Kelly:  Hi, how are you?  Good morning.

Kristin:  Great.  Good morning.  So I would love for you to introduce all of your amazing skills and trainings to our audience as an RN and international board-certified lactation consultant.

Kelly:  Yeah, I am a registered nurse, and I’m an IBCLC, like you said, a lactation consultant.  It is the highest certification that there is in lactation.  And I, a long time ago, like back in the ‘90s, I was a doula, so I was a certified doula, as well, both postpartum and birth doula, and then that kind of morphed into lactation.  I went back to nursing school, and yeah, I’ve been doing this I guess about 27 years.  Yeah, helping moms breastfeed, yeah.

Kristin:  You helped me with my kids, and I’ve taken your breastfeeding class.  It’s amazing.  Such a great resource.  And yeah, you were a doula before doulas were even known, especially in the postpartum end of things.

Kelly:  Yeah.  There were two of us.  There was one in Zeeland and me, and we found each other, thank goodness.  We worked together and we encouraged each other, but people didn’t even know what the word doula was.  It was so much different back then.  It’s so refreshing to see it explode nowadays.

Kristin:  Yes, for sure.  So we are going to chat about the formula shortage, since that is, you know, the biggest news item, and as far as Facebook group activity, I’m seeing so much interaction and so many questions related to feeding options.  So I would love to hear your perspective on things.  I know it all started with the recalls through Abbott, and then just supply and demand.  It reminds me of early in the pandemic with toilet paper.  So people are stocking up, which then creates even more of a shortage.  So what are your thoughts?

Kelly:  My first thought is just my heart goes out to these poor parents.  Not only to have a baby during the pandemic, but now this.  It just makes my heart break that any mother in this very wealthy country would have to worry about this.  It really stinks, and I feel sorry that it’s going on.

Kristin:  Exactly.  So I would love to hear your thoughts on safe and unsafe options for families if they’re really struggling to find formula on the shelves or to afford some of the premium prices.  I know we can now get European formulas due to the shortage, and some of those costs can be prohibitive for a lot of families.

Kelly:  Yeah, it is expensive.  First of all, reaching out to WIC if you are on WIC and also to your pediatrician to see if they have any, because things change daily.  So to see if they have any recourses that can – any samples, anything at all that they can help you get by until this passes.  If you are lactating right now, like if you have any milk at all, or if you wanted to relactate, that would be, again, getting in touch with a lactation consultant or a lactation person through WIC, as well, if you’re a client of WIC.  Reaching out to find someone that specializes in lactation and so they can help you relactate if that’s what you choose to do.  If you don’t choose to provide breastmilk, like pump or lactate or relactate or any of that, and you wanted to use formula, I would recommend making sure that you follow the package instructions.  One thing that’s really not recommended at all because it can cause electrolyte imbalances and just really bad things happening medically is to water down the formula.  Totally understand why someone would want to because it makes sense that it would go longer, but it’s not recommended for the baby’s health to do that.

Kristin:  Totally agree.  So I’m also seeing a lot of activity from people about, you know, using milk or goat’s milk and saying that they did that back in the day in the ‘70s or ‘80s.  What are your thoughts on some of this information that’s being shared widely on social media?

Kelly:  Yeah, it is true.  I’ll tell you – I mean, I was born in the ‘60s, and I did have cow’s milk with – and I shudder to think now.  I mean, things were really bad.  I had cow’s milk with chocolate milk in it.  Like, that powdered chocolate milk, and I tell that story to moms just thinking, like, yes, I did make it through, but I was hospitalized.  I was failure to thrive.  I had a lot of – it wasn’t just a great thing.  It wasn’t as wonderful as oh, chocolate milk, that sounds great.  It’s not what an infant at that stage needs before 12 months.  You know, there’s so much brain development going on and other things that their kidneys can and can’t process, and so many medical things that we know now that we didn’t know back in the ‘60s and before then is that if your breastmilk is the number one choice, your own breastmilk.  Donor milk would be choice number two, and then formula that has been specifically designed for infant development and brain development and all that would be option number three.  So the home recipes of goat milk and all of that, it’s not recommended right now or any time, actually.  I mean, yes, I know back in maybe 1920 they did it, but it doesn’t mean that it was safe.

Kristin:  Thanks for clearing that up.  And a lot of people are looking for donor milk from either milk banks or trusted resources.  People are also selling their breastmilk.  And so what are your thoughts on finding safe donor milk as an option?

Kelly:  Yeah, that is something that has been done since time began, is mothers would share their milk.  If it’s not their sister or their aunt or somebody in the village was always lactating, and they would help that way, especially if the mother died in childbirth.  You know, someone would step in because we didn’t have formula.  And so that is an option.  I know that a lot of moms are looking for that.  They’re looking at their sisters or their cousins or even on the internet for human milk for their human babies, so I totally understand that.  But you should have a good conversation with your pediatrician or lactation consultant or somebody about the risks and benefits.  There’s always risks and benefits to getting milk that’s not yours, like providing milk to your baby that’s not yours.  There’s screening that typically is done.  Like, when you – there is a milk bank.  There are milk banks out there that you can sometimes purchase it, but I think those milk banks are typically for babies who are in the NICU right now and that they have a shortage themselves, so it’s going to be – the last I knew, it was, like, $5 an ounce to get that.  So it’s pretty cost-prohibitive to purchase human milk from a milk bank where they’ve gone through the screening process, the pasteurization and all of that.  So looking on the internet to get it, like, I totally would not recommend buying it.  The reason being is as this generation knows, what you’re seeing on the internet is not always the truth, and it could be someone who is saying, oh, I’ve got this milk, and I just want to be paid for it, which I totally get that, but it could be someone who’s just diluting it down with cow’s milk or putting something in it.  You know, unless you have a lab that you can really see what’s in it.  There have been cases of that where unfortunately, you know, motivated by money, if someone has ten ounces of milk they’re producing, and maybe they’re pumping ten ounces and they want to sell that, but then they add ten more ounces of cow’s milk.  Then they’ve just doubled their profits.  So just be very, very careful about getting into that sort of situation.  And then again for screening, you know, there are some things that can – diseases, disorders, that sort of thing – that can get through the breastmilk to your baby.

Kristin:  And also medications can.

Kelly:  Yeah, medications that you don’t know, maybe someone that is taking an antibiotic or an antidepressant that’s not compatible.  Most of them are, by the way, but some sort of psychiatric medication that maybe they’re embarrassed to tell you that they’re taking, but they are taking it.  And that they don’t reveal that to you, and now that’s in this milk.  So those are, of course, rare conditions.  Most people who are wanting to donate milk come from a very good place, you know, a very good heart, and they just want to help other women.  That’s the majority of people, you know.  But sometimes they may not know that they have a disorder or disease, either, or an infection.  You know, something like that.  They might not even know that they have it and then are passing it on to you, as well.  So just something to consider.  Like, their lifestyle, what medications they take, have they been screened for different diseases, and all that.  Just a very candid conversation about that.  There is another thing that I don’t see a lot of people talking about, the ability to kind of pasteurize your milk.  And there’s an Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine International, actually, but it’s just made up of physicians who are interested in breastfeeding, so it’s pediatricians and family medicine docs and obstetricians, and they do come up with protocols around breastfeeding and all of that.  So they do have an academy – or they do have a protocol on informal milk sharing that people can check out, and it’s just the Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine.  There’s a 2017 physician statement on informal breastmilk sharing for the healthy term infant.  So they can definitely Google that or I can give you the link for that.  But there is a process, too, of basically home-pasteurizing any kind of donated breastmilk.  So it’s like you – it’s a flash heating method that also would kill certain bacteria and viruses that would potentially be in it.  Now, it may affect some of the quality of the breastmilk, but it would still be preferable than definitely, like, goat’s milk or something like that or watering down your milk.

Kristin:  So let’s talk more about getting supply up for breastfeeding moms or relactating if you have weaned and want to be able to create milk for your baby.

Kelly:  Yeah, that would be the ideal.  The ideal situation is helping with relactation, which I actually have during this crisis is helping moms relactate.  Sometimes it’s a pain in the butt, but sometimes they’re very effective of using an SNS at the breast, which is a little tube that runs alongside your breast, and it has formula or donated milk in it, but it gets the baby back to the breast and thinking that there’s milk coming out.  Because there’s nothing like a baby at your breast to help bring back your milk supply or increase your milk supply.

Kristin:  Agreed, versus a pump, for sure.

Kelly:  Yeah.  I mean, the baby has to be willing and open to latching, of course, after they’ve already been on – but they’re a part of this team, as well, so they have to latch on.  But if they latch on and they start getting a flow of some sort of milk, then usually they will stay there, and when they stay there, they are stimulating the nipple and the breast to bring more milk.  It’s not an overnight thing where all of a sudden your milk is going to come right back up, but usually over time of doing that, moms can see an increase in milk supply, and then you would gradually decrease the milk that you’re supplementing with, and then the baby takes over from there.  Now, if the baby won’t latch, even if you do have, like, a supplemental nursing system, then there’s pumping.  Then that would be another option to do is to do pumping about 8 to 12 times a day.  It’s a pretty big commitment, but you really have to call up that milk.  You know, there are certain stretch receptors on the areola and the nipple that need to be stimulated to send a message to your pituitary to release certain hormones that help drive milk supply.  So somebody or something, like either the baby or the pump, stimulating mom on a pretty regular basis to help your pituitary know, oh, yeah, you want some milk?  Okay.  I’m going to get right on there.  And then your milk starts coming up and up and up.  That would be kind of the first line of process, I guess, of trying to get the milk back up, if it’s low or if they wanted to relactate.

Kristin:  Excellent info.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  So as far as – I’ve been getting questions from clients who are currently pregnant or students in our Becoming a Mother course and wanting to ensure that they have a good supply with this shortage and worried about, you know, supplementing.  What is your advice to have a strong start with breastfeeding and how can you prepare from, say, that 36 week mark on?

Kelly:  First of all, I would get prepared with knowing how your breasts work.  I am a huge proponent of really understanding your body and how lactation works, in your baby but also in your own body.  Knowing from inside out.  It’s something that we don’t really learn a lot about in our sex ed classes in middle school is our breasts and how they work.  When you get a better understanding of how milk supply is driven and how this works as a mammal – like, we’re all mammals, you know, but we don’t really – we kind of skip over the fact that we have these breasts on us that are kind of just hanging there waiting for our baby to be born.  But then things kick in, but then it’s hard to learn something – I mean, you can learn it on the go, but I highly recommend getting at least some sort of basic knowledge ahead of the time, like right now before your baby comes, so you can hit the ground running.

Kristin:  Right, like taking your breastfeeding class so you fully understand.  It’s very comprehensive.

Kelly:  Yeah.  Yeah, I have a three-hour class both in person through Gold Coast Doulas on that Saturday Series but also if they can’t make that, there’s a course that I have that you can, course by course, take it at your own pace and learn, and I go deep into the anatomy and physiology of how this all works.  So getting prepared ahead of time, and then even ahead of time getting the number of a good lactation consultant that you can call right away.  So breastmilk in the first two weeks is a pretty critical time for getting your milk supply up and running.  It’s not impossible if you wait longer, but the first two weeks are a pretty important time for stimulating your milk supply, getting baby on.  Like, a lot of things go on when you’re first starting.  So having somebody there to kind of help guide you and answer your questions and just kind of review things with you is just so important.  Like, most of the moms I work with later on, they say invariably, I wish I had called you sooner, just because learning something ahead of time is always the way to go if you can.  And then if you are going to give birth in a hospital, to make sure that you ask for lactation help there, as well.  Like, right from that first latch, ideally in that first hour after delivery, getting some help and setting the stage there while you’re even in the hospital, if you’re going to be in the hospital.

Kristin:  What are your thoughts on expressing milk and trying to get your milk to come in?

Kelly:  You mean, before baby?  Before baby’s born?  There’s a little bit of – like, if you have gestational diabetes, or if you have some – there’s a little bit of research out there saying that it sometimes helps.  Not only can you collect it and save it later if baby needs to be supplemented – and this study was done, that I know of, anyway, was moms who had gestational diabetes or type 1 diabetes, as well, or type 2.  Any kind of, like, insulin resistance or diabetes like that.  And then if the baby – because if you do have diabetes after your baby comes out, they probably will be checked for blood sugar to make sure that they’re handling the transition out of the womb into the big bad world, you know, with their blood sugar.  So then you can use your milk to supplement with instead of formula in those cases if you have it.  So it’s also kind of good not only to collect breastmilk and save it for later, but also you getting really confident with hand expression and how to handle your breast, because that’s another thing we probably have never done is hand expression on ourselves.

Kristin:  Exactly.

Kelly:  So, like, just getting comfortable with it, getting used to it, knowing where to put your hands and all that.  Those sorts of things are another benefit of doing it.  As a disclaimer, you should talk to your midwife or your doctor ahead of time if you’re at risk for – you know, I wouldn’t start pumping eight times a day, that’s for sure.

Kristin:  Right, definitely not.

Kelly:  Remember those stretch receptors I was telling you about.  Like, when we are manipulating our breast like that, we are releasing oxytocin which makes your milk let down, but it also contracts your uterus.  So if you have any kind of, you know, situation where it’s not safe to have sex, like any kind of bedrest –

Kristin:  Bedrest, yes.  Heart conditions.

Kelly:  Yeah.  You would definitely want to talk to your doctor ahead of doing that, but usually it’s completely fine and safe to do it.  But if you have any special situations, to run it by.  But yeah, that’s – some moms wish to do that, and some don’t.  And, you know, the nurses hopefully in the hospital will show you how to hand express, too, so there’s that on the job training that you’ll get, like, right afterward, as well.  But again, if you can be prepared ahead of time, it’s always recommended.

Kristin: Yes.  I mean, especially if baby gets, you know, sent to the NICU and you’re struggling with, you know, trying to get your supply in.  I know you helped me a lot when my daughter was in the NICU with glucose issues, so just trying to develop my supply when she was, you know, started out with enhanced formula.

Kelly:  Yeah.  It’s tricky, and just being prepared for everything.  And you just get – if your baby is born early or if there’s some sort of medical issue, you’re just kind of swept away into so much stuff that the nurses and doctors and everybody has to do.  It can be overwhelming.  So it’s overwhelming to learn a new skill at that time.  If you already know how to work your pump, if you already know how to do hand expression, if you kind of already have some sort of, you know, bearing about you to do that, then it usually is less stressful.

Kristin:  Very helpful.  And so a lot of your tips that you discuss as far as relactating are also helpful for increasing supply again.  Seeing a lactation consultant, pumping in addition to feeding.  Any recommendations on when to pump if you are currently breastfeeding?

Kelly:  Yeah, whenever it’s feasible.  I always start there because moms are going to – I can give a million recommendations, but if it’s not really going to work into her lifestyle – if she has six kids and she’s homeschooling them all and her mother has dementia – you know, like, there’s so many things in a woman’s life that sound good on paper, but if it’s not really something that she can realistically, you know, do in her life, then that’s – any recommendations I give are going to fall flat.  So it’s kind of whatever – the more stimulation the better.  So however she can work that into her life.  Some moms say, you know, getting out of the shower, I’m already naked there.  I can – if I have a hand pump, I can do that, or if I can hook up to a pump while I’m drying my hair.  Or sometimes I have moms recommend that they feed on one side, then when they switch baby to the other side, they single pump on the one they left off on, because they have to sit there anyway, you know, feeding on side two.  You might as well be kind of doing some extra stimulation.  It’s almost like you have twins at that point, you know, putting another baby on the other side, if you can maneuver it.  So we work with ways to help moms maneuver that.  That’s one strategy.  The only one that I don’t recommend is pumping, of course, right before latching, because then the baby’s going to get frustrated if you took out a bunch of milk.  So usually it’s afterward, and I tell moms afterward – I mean, if baby’s content at that time and your shirt’s off anyway.  Even if you just jump on for five or ten more minutes, that’s going to do something for kind of calling up the extra milk.  Even if you don’t get a lot out, it will snowball if you do it over time, you know?

Kristin:  Exactly.  I’ve also had questions related to supply and illness, so whether it’s COVID or food poisoning or the flu, and so there’s so many different, you know, sources and answers, but students in the Becoming course are asking me questions about, say, you know, food poisoning, or someone is wondering if they have the stomach bug or COVID, can they still feed their baby; things like that.

Kelly:  Oh, yes, 100%, you can.  Any virus that you get, and COVID included, your body is going to make antibodies against it, just even the common cold, and then put that into the milk for your baby.  There’s no reason that you have to stop breastfeeding at all.  And even with food poisoning – that is not – that bacteria that was in your food that made you sick like that is not going to get to the baby.  Now, one of the things with food poisoning, especially, or if you get sick with any kind of flu or any kind of thing where you stop eating and drinking and you’re vomiting and you have diarrhea and it’s really bad, you can get dehydrated pretty quickly.  Then your milk supply will go down.  I’ve had some moms even just recently that they got sick and they recovered from it, but their supply took a hit.  And then I still ask them, well, how many times – I always ask how the baby’s peeing and pooping and all that, but I ask mom how many times are you peeing and what color is it, and they say, well… I say, are you peeing at least six times a day?  That’s kind of my minimum.  “Oh, no, like maybe three times a day I’m peeing, you know, and it’s really dark and concentrating.”  Well, that’s going to be a quick, easy, free fix is to increase your water intake.  If your pee is dark – not that you have to flood yourself with water to make breastmilk, but being at least hydrated will help your milk – I mean, being dehydrated will decrease it, usually.

Kristin:  Absolutely.  Certainly.  I mean, I have a friend who’s had COVID in her entire family, and she was breastfeeding, and baby was the only one to stay healthy.  So it can really be a benefit to baby’s immunity and also keep your supply up if you’re worried about the formula shortage and so on.

Kelly:  Yeah.  Yeah, I mean, as long as the mom’s up for it.  If she’s really sick, that makes it difficult, but other family members – you know, even if she can lay in bed and someone can bring the baby to her all the time and take care of the baby, that would be beneficial for the baby.

Kristin:  Very helpful.  So how can our listeners and clients and students find you, Kelly, outside of, of course, through the Gold Cost website and of course our breastfeeding class?  You have a back to work pumping class.  And with Gold Coast, you do in-home and in-office consultations?

Kelly:  I do.  I do telehealth, as well.  I have a website, and I do classes every other month through Gold Coast Doulas, starting to do them in person, which is great.  Haven’t done that in a while.  So those are, you know, depending on COVID numbers, but that’s one way that they can see me in person, which is great because they can ask me questions that way.  And then I have, yeah, like the online course where they can take it at their own pace, and they would have access to it for years, so they can always go back and say, oh, what did she say about mastitis, or what did she say about weaning or whatever, you know.  And that’s always helpful.  But yeah, I’m just around the West Michigan area, but with telehealth, I’m everywhere.

Kristin:  That’s amazing, so anyone can see you regardless of where they live or take your course.  You’re also a big part of our Becoming a Mother course.  You have quite a few expert videos on different feeding-related topics, so we’re thrilled to have your expertise there.  And also as far as other topics, I would love to chat with you in the future about that – not only your back to work pumping class, but we’ll have to do a podcast on transitioning back to work and, you know, workplace regulations regarding women and pumping and so on.

Kelly:  Yeah, it’s always something on a women’s minds, you know, and it’s changed a little bit during COVID that moms are staying home, but now they’re starting to go back sometimes or do a hybrid model, and there’s a lot of questions that come along with that with pumping.

Kristin:  Exactly.  And we should mention that you take insurance, self-pay, health savings, flex spending, all of those things.

Kelly:  Yes, all of those things, and I’m adding and starting to add more insurance companies as I go along, too, so trying to figure all that out so there’s more options for everybody.

Kristin:  That’s amazing.  So how can our listeners who want in-person lactation support find a trust IBCLC in their area?

Kelly:  Yeah, you can go uslca.org.  If they’re in the United States, of course.  So uslca.org.

Kristin: Perfect.  Very helpful.  Well, thank you so much, Kelly.  It’s been great to chat with you about this important topic, and I hope our listeners and readers find some of the support that they need during this time.

Kelly:  Yeah, for sure.  Thank you so much for having me.

Kristin:  Thanks.  Have a great day.

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

 

Kristin chats with Helen Thompson about the benefits of baby massage and the bonding that it provides for parents and the newborn.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you find your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello, hello.  This is Kristin with Ask the Doulas, and I am joined today by Helen Thompson with My Baby Massage.  Welcome, Helen!

Helen:  Thank you!  It’s lovely to be here, and I always love talking about baby massage and other things.  So thank you for having me.  I’m looking forward to the chat.

Kristin:  So I would love for you to fill our listeners in on your rich history working with newborns as well as children.  I know in our prior conversations, you have 30 years of working in the baby and, you know, the field of children and babies, as well as your time in the baby massage field since 2010.  Am I correct in that?

Helen:  Yes, you’re correct in that.

Kristin:  So fill us in on why you became passionate about baby massage.

Helen:  Well, I actually come from a childcare background.  As you say, I’ve been the childcare industry since 1988, and I recently, sort of around 2010, came across so many moms who were asking about things like colic, constipation, and they were getting frustrated about it, and they asked if there was anything else they could do.  So I dived into some bit of research and discovered the wonderful tips about baby massage.  So I decided to train in baby massage in 2010, and haven’t looked back since.  It’s been wonderful because I’ve actually been able to serve and support moms one on one with baby massage, which has been fantastic, and it’s great.  It’s great.  They have so many different benefits.

Kristin:  And I know, not only do you do one on one support, but you also have a very strong presence online.  Tell us about that, as well.

Helen:  I have a website, and I have courses on there.  I have a free introduction course that people can register on.  I also have Zoom classes, which I do online as well, and I also have a colicky baby 101 course, which is a virtual course that anybody can do.  I’m just – I’m present on video, but I’m not present in person as such.  It’s completely virtual.

Kristin:  That’s great.  So anyone can join, no matter where they live in the world?

Helen:  Exactly.  And that’s including the introduction and also the Zoom courses, but if you want something more virtual where you can do it on your own in your own home without me sort of being there, well, the colicky baby 101 course is probably fit for you.  Sorry.  That didn’t make sense, did it?

Kristin:  Oh, it’s perfect.  So tell us a bit about how baby massage, for our listeners who aren’t familiar with it – I personally used it with my firstborn, and it was very helpful.  She was a NICU baby and had a lot of issues with colic and digestion and feeding.  So yeah, fill us in on how it can be helpful and at what point in the newborn phase a parent should begin that process.

Helen:  Well, I’ll start with saying what phase the parent can begin baby massage.  They can basically begin baby massage from newborn – well, I say newborn up to eight months.  However, you can still massage your baby when they’re toddlers.  But I like to mainly focus on until they’re crawling because that way, once they’re crawling, they’re more interested in stuff going on around them.  They don’t really want baby massage at that stage.  And I also – good for things like colic, as you mentioned.  And it also helps with sleep, you know, helping with sleep.  It helps with digestion.  And it also helps with hand-eye coordination and body awareness, and it helps with their development.  And it can also help with teething, as well, amongst many other things.

Kristin:  It’s amazing.  So any tips for our listeners about how to find, if they want an in-person practitioner, how to find a qualified baby massage practitioner?

Helen:  That’s a very interesting question because different parts of the world, you may have different.  But if you look under baby massage, you will find lots of different trainers that actually offer the course, as well.  If you want virtual ones, just go to my website, and you would be able to get a qualified practitioner.

Kristin:  Wonderful.  And then as far as colic, that is a common concern with many of our doula clients, and you had mentioned that you have a course on helping colicky babies.  Fill us in about understanding colic, how baby massage can help, and any other tips and tricks you have.

Helen:  Okay.  Well, colic, as you know, can be very disturbing for a mom, as well as for a baby, because they have a sort of witching – from my understanding of colic is they have a witching period, I think, where babies just cry constantly, uncontrollably, and they’re really congested, and they’re really stuck.  You know, they can’t – they’re just – they’re blocked up in their tummy.  So what baby massage does to help with the colic is by – there are certain – in the course that I run, I give moms some tips on how to ease their baby’s tummy in order to release the colic and to get rid of all the air bubbles inside their tummy so that it helps to release the colic and bring it out.  In other words, pushing it out so that it, excuse the expression, goes out into poo so that they can relieve the colic.  And one of the strokes that I love doing with colic is called the I love you stroke.  That’s one of the ones that’s in the colicky baby course, amongst others, and it’s just a lovely stroke that you can do, and it’s actually helping your baby’s digestion and saying that you love them at the same time, and it helps release all those air bubbles in a baby’s tummy and helps with colic.

Kristin:  I love that you mentioned the I love you technique because, I mean, touch is so important and a way to connect with baby, and it can also be a great way for partners or husbands who may not feel as involved and connected to baby because mom is – like, Mom is feeding the baby constantly and doing, you know – because of the feeding relationship, a lot of the daily connecting.  And so tell us about how you involve partners in baby massage.

Helen:  Well, it’s very good.  I love that you say that because it’s really important for dads to be involved with massaging their baby because I think, as you said, a lot of the time, moms are the ones that are breastfeeding or bottle feeding, and moms are the ones that get up in the night to sort of feed the baby because they’re breastfeeding.  So baby massage is a great way for the partners to get involved more with the baby and have that feeling of touch, which you mentioned, because touch is so, so valuable for both the parent and the baby because it’s skin to skin, which is so, so valuable for both mother and father, but particularly more, as you mentioned, for the father.  Because then they can feel involved, because a lot of the time, they may not feel involved.  All they’re doing is maybe helping their wife or their partner, you know, changing the nappies and doing things like that.  But actually being able to physically touch the baby and massage them, I think, is really, really beneficial for the dad.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  Yeah, and then there are so many important times, whether it’s bath time or as you said, with sleep, getting baby to sleep, or even changing the clothes, that you can use some of the touch you learn with baby massage during some of those daily practices and create some – I don’t necessarily want to say rituals, but some patterns that baby associates that they’re going to, you know, have some massage during, say, bath time or bed time and so on.  Do you talk about that?

Helen:  Yes, I do.  Bedtime is a good time to massage your baby because it helps them to relax, and it helps you to relax, as well.  And it also – I don’t know if you’re aware of the hormone oxytocin, which I like to call the cuddle hormone.  It’s actually – and because that way, it increases oxytocin, which is the love hormone, which helps your baby to relax.  Helps you to relax so that therefore it can help with sleep, as well, with that one.  And there’s also a hormone called – I think you pronounce it melatonin, which is the hormone that regulates a person’s body clock.  So that, when you’re massaging your baby, you’re releasing that melatonin, which helps the baby’s body clock, so you’re helping the baby to sleep more effectively, as well.

Kristin:  Yes.  Makes sense.

Helen:  And I would just say also, if you’re going to massage your baby before sleep, just make sure you do it after a bath and not before a bath, particularly if you’re using oils, because you don’t want to put your baby in the bath when he’s covered in oil because they can be very slippery.  I always say that because I just – you know, I just envision moms massaging their baby and trying to hold onto them and they slip in the bath.  So it’s always a good idea to do it after a bath, or even, if you’re not going to give them the bath, that’s fine.  Just give them the massage.  And one of the things I want to mention always is to ask permission.  That’s a big thing because baby massage is always baby led.  If the baby doesn’t want to be massaged, that doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t mean that you can’t massage your baby.  You just have to choose a time when they are open to being massaged, and there are different – well, you’ll get to know your own baby, when they’re ready to be massaged or not, but basically, they’ve got an open body position.  Well, then, that’s okay to massage.  But if they’ve got their hands against their chest, that may be saying, no, I don’t want you to massage my chest, but you can just gently massage their legs whilst changing the nappy, because that way, you’re still asking permission, but you’re just doing it gradually.

Kristin:  Now, Helen, you mentioned oils.  Are there particular – well, obviously, we have to take any sort of allergies into account, but almond oil or coconut oil, or what are some of the common baby massage oils?

Helen:  Well, you’ve mentioned two, which is almond and coconut oil.  Sesame oil is good, but not the sesame oil you get from the supermarket.  It’s got to be pure.  It’s got to be organic and mineral-free because you don’t want to put the sesame oil that you get from the supermarket, which has got lots of additives in it.  So it’s probably better to be pure and organic.  Also, I wouldn’t recommend olive oil because olive oil can be very slippery, and it doesn’t absorb on the baby’s skin.  The point of putting the oils on is that you want to let it absorb on the baby’s skin.  And I wouldn’t recommend essential oils for babies because they’re too strong, unless, of course, you speak to an aromatherapist and they give you the right quantities and do it that way.  But I personally don’t recommend essential oils because I think they’re too strong for babies.  You want your baby to smell you rather than the oil, because that’s another benefit is letting the baby smell your own and have your own scent, your own smell.  And if you’re putting essential oils in, that’s not helping the baby’s scent, if that makes sense.

Kristin:  It does.  So what do you recommend with students who have twins or triplets in finding time to connect with schedules, and how do you handle if only one parent is available, massage with multiple babies?

Helen:  That’s a good question.  I actually trained in the UK – I did a training in the UK with a company called To Baby and Beyond, and the lady I trained with actually has a course, which I haven’t personally done, but she has a course for introduction to actually train with mothers who have twins because she’s had twins herself.  So she does a routine where she actually teaches you to massage both babies at the same time.  But if I was doing it myself, to answer your question, if I was to be doing it myself, I would either suggest to the mom that they have somebody who can come in and do the massage – another person to come and do the massage, if not dad, a grandmother or aunt.

Kristin:  Maybe a doula.

Helen:  Or a doula or somebody else so that they can both be massaged at the same time, and they can both learn how to do it.  And also, one of the twins or triplets might be asleep at the time, so mom can sort of focus on one of them.  And then once the other one wakes up, the other one wants to go sleep, she can possibly massage the other one at a different time.  Does that make sense?

Kristin:  Yeah.  You had also mentioned, and I’m curious about this because it wasn’t anything I learned in the baby massage class I took, teething and how massage can be helpful.  Fill us in a bit about that.

Helen:  Well, teething is good because when you’re massaging the outside of the baby’s cheeks, you’re actually massaging the gums, and that can really, really help to soothe those teeth that are coming through.  And it also, if you massage the baby’s toes, as well – this is part of reflexology, which I’m not qualified in, but I’ve learned certain tips for baby massage.  If you massage the big toe all the way down to the little toe, that also connects to their teeth, as well, so that can actually also help with teething.  It can sort of relax the gums and help with teething.

Kristin:  Wonderful.  So any other tips for our listeners about, you know, getting themselves prepared to begin the baby massage journey?  And then I would also love to hear how we can all connect with you.

Helen:  Okay.  Well, first of all, if you want to start massaging your baby, start in a very quiet – have a very quiet space with just you and your baby.  And always massage your baby on the floor on a soft blanket, or even you can do it on one of the nappy change mats, as long as it’s on the floor, just for safety reasons.  Just put on some nice, relaxing music, and if you’re using oils, just rub your hands with a bit of oil and just look at your baby and ask them if they want a massage and watch their reaction.  Watch their body language and see if they want it or not.  And the other tips I want to say is it’s very good for your senses.  I haven’t actually mentioned that, but it’s actually very good for the baby’s senses because you’re teaching them all about communication.  You’re teaching the baby with hearing because they’re hearing your voice while you’re talking to them, and they’re hearing the tones, the different tones of your voice, and you can be singing to them while you’re massaging them, as well.  And it’s also good for their smell because it’s helping with all the oils and smelling you, and they’re getting the sense of smell around them.  And touch, as we’ve mentioned, is really, really important as well, particularly after they’ve just been born and they’ve just come out of the womb where they’ve been in that lovely warm environment.  Touching them very gently is just lovely.

Kristin:  So, Helen, as far – you mentioned your website.  But you also have an amazing podcast, and you’re doing videos and other social media that people can learn tips and tricks from you.  So fill us in on how else we can connect with you.

Helen:  Okay.  Your listeners can find out more about baby massage on my podcast, as you mentioned, which is called First Time Mum’s Chat, by going to a page on my website.  I’ve also got a free baby massage and colic routines cheat sheet that I mentioned to you, and they can find that at www.mybabymassage.net/goldcoastdoulas.   And they will find all our information on the website, and they’ll find out all about the colicky baby course, baby massage routines, and colic.

Kristin:  Perfect.  And this will also be on our blog for anyone who wants to access that way.  But this is so helpful, and I look forward to taking a look at a lot of your materials and passing the word on to our doula clients as well as our students.

Helen:  I also have a baby massage Facebook page, as well, which is @burniebabymassage.  And I recently spoke to somebody who I interviewed – she’s a dancer, and we did a Facebook live together, and she talked about body awareness and brain organization and stuff and how she does that with the baby.  So I just thought I’d mention that, as well.

Kristin:  Lovely.  Yes, we can connect to that episode, as well.  Well, thank you so much for your time, Helen.  This has been so amazing to learn all of these fabulous tips about how families can connect with their baby and soothe a lot of the common ailments of constipation, colic, digestion issues, issues with sleep.  So this has been a fantastic chat.

Helen:  Well, thank you so much for having me.  I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you, too, and I look forward to chatting down the track.  And thank you so much for having me.  I really appreciated it, as well.

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

 

Amanda Tice, model and author, talks about becoming a new mom.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello, hello.  This is Kristin with Ask the Doulas, and I am joined today by Amanda Tice.  Welcome, Amanda!

Amanda: Thank you so much for having me!  I’m very excited to be on your podcast.

Kristin:  I’m so happy to have you here!  So you are not only a successful curve model, but you’re also a mom and a body positivity advocate and the author of The New Mom Code.  So how do you balance all of that, first of all?

Amanda:  It’s been interesting.  I think the good thing about my job is that it’s not – as much as it is full time, it’s not full time when it comes to modeling, so in between, when I am traveling, I really like to write, and that’s kind of how this book was born.  But the hardest job of all, of course, is being a mom.  That’s the one that’s the most time-consuming and the one that takes up the most amount of my energy.

Kristin:  Exactly.  So you have a son, George, correct?

Amanda:  Yes, I do.

Kristin:  So how old is George?

Amanda:  George just turned five, which seems crazy to me, especially because I started writing this book when George was about 18 months old.  So, you know, it’s been a long process, which I actually think is a good thing because it helped to really give me a better perspective when I reflect on it because when you write a book over the course of a couple years, so much changes in those first few years of motherhood.

Kristin:  So true, yes.  As far as The New Mom Code, describe what the book is all about.  Obviously, it was a well-thought-out process.  So you really put some time into it.  I would love to learn more about it.

Amanda:  Sure.  So The New Mom Code is really all about dispelling the myths around motherhood, normalizing what I would consider “taboo topics” related to motherhood, and helping women tap into their own inner wisdom and thrive, which is really hard, because a lot of the books on the market, I found, at the time when I was pregnant and also that first newborn stage, were focused on parenting and not so much about what the mother was experiencing.  And so because of that, I went through all these stages of, why didn’t anyone tell me this, right?  So because of that, I felt, you know, pretty alone in my experience, even though I had a relatively good support group, because I had met some great women through my prenatal yoga class.  I just felt this sense of, what I’m going through is really hard, and no one is talking about it.  And one of the topics in particular that was one of the first chapters I wrote and made me really think hard about this book was breastfeeding, because every movie, TV show, media, display of breastfeeding is always that it’s this supremely magical, easy experience, this bonding between your child, and I just had a completely different experience.  You know, I was engorged.  I ended up exclusively pumping for the first two months.  I did nipple shields and lactation consultants, and eventually, which was kind of strange, actually, my son decided he would latch at two months old, so he’d been – I’d been exclusively pumping and bottle feeding for those first two months, and then he went back to the breast at two months.  But the whole process was exhausting.  And so I just really started thinking about, hey, moms need to know that this is not a linear path.  When it comes to motherhood in general, right?  You kind of assume, in terms of every movie you’ve ever seen, oh, you’re going to breastfeed and you’re going to have this wonderful child and all this is going to be easy.

Kristin:  It will be magical, right.  And that’s not the case.  And we don’t talk about, you know, the reality as much.  I mean, I feel like Hollywood’s depiction of the birth experience is dramatized in a negative way.  But motherhood tends to be put in such a positive light, and like you said, breastfeeding, which I struggled with breastfeeding both of my kids and had to see a lactation consultant for separate reasons.  I mean, I had a daughter in the NICU that didn’t want to breastfeed and then a son with a tongue tie.  And so, yeah, it is not as easy as you would think it would be.

Amanda:  Yeah.  The real purpose of this book for me was to talk about those topics that women didn’t really want to discuss and, you know, so I talk about breastfeeding and mom brain and burnout and postpartum sex, even preparing for the future and making sure that you are addressing things like death, which I know sounds very morbid, but you need to be prepared for the unlikely event of a catastrophe, right?  So it’s making sure that you are tapping into what you’re feeling as a mother and really getting a good understanding of what you’re going through, normalizing those feelings, and being able to use those, the things that you’re going through, to be a stronger, happier individual as well as a mother.

Kristin:  Well, your book sounds perfect for our online course, Becoming A Mother.  So we have new and seasoned moms in the course sharing the reality of not only pregnancy and birth but also especially the postnatal phase.  So I will put you on our top recommended list.

Amanda:  Yeah, that would be amazing.  I mean, the other thing that I like about this book that’s a little bit different from a lot of what else is on the market is I provide journal prompts at the end of each chapter so that you can really reflect on your own feelings.  But then in addition to that, I also provide exercises that you can do.  So a lot of books, it’s kind of like, it’s easier read or said than done, but then you leave with a question of, like, okay, well, now that I know this information, what am I supposed to do with it?  How do I put it into action?  So I really wanted to make sure that I added this element of having exercises you could do that would help you change your mindset, behavior, or perspective on each particular topic.

Kristin:  Love it.  You are obviously getting into taking care of yourself and accepting your body after giving birth.  So I know that you modeled in a swimsuit line after you had your son.  Heidi Klum’s line?

Amanda:  Yeah, so I did a segment on Access Hollywood about 16 weeks postpartum in a bikini, and that was very strange for me.

Kristin:  I bet!

Amanda:  Because, you know, your body looks and feels so different after you have a baby.  And I think there’s this assumption that oh, you know, after the baby’s born, my body’s going to bounce back.  I think the media kind of has this thing of, like, here are ways to help your body bounce back.  Here are ways to lose that postpartum baby weight.  And I think that’s just totally unrealistic, and it puts so much pressure on mothers to, you know, regain whatever body they had before baby.  But the reality is, your body just performed the miracle of life, right?  It’s gave birth to a child.  You cannot possibly expect that the body you have after a baby is going to be anything like the body you had before the baby.  The funny thing about the Heidi Klum bikini story was when I went to the casting for it, I remember putting on the bikini and coming out in front of the casting director and thinking, there is no way they are going to book me for this because in my mind, my body looks so different from what it had looked like before that I wasn’t – there wasn’t a connection.  You know, my mind-body connection was just not there yet.  So when I booked the job, I was a little anxious and panicked and concerned, as well, because I was definitely still in the thick of breastfeeding, so I was like, well, I’m going to be modeling a bikini, but yet the size and shape of my breasts are going to be fluctuating while this is all happening.  So, you know, it was an interesting job to accept, but in the long run, I’m really glad that I did it because I think that so many women need to see real bodies, right?  At the end of the day, it’s like, as much as I have felt a little self-conscious and I hadn’t really gotten on board with what my new body looked like yet, I hadn’t had that adjustment period – I felt this need to be like, okay, well, this is what it is.  Let’s be real.  Instead of trying to be something we’re not, let’s be who we are.  And the thing is, in the moment, too, I feel like it’s so important to embrace whatever your body looks like.  That’s the thing that always drives me crazy when it comes to women is we tend to look back at old pictures of ourselves and say, oh, I was so skinny and I don’t look like that anymore.  And then, you know, in that moment, I’m sure that women or whoever it is, is looking at their body and saying, oh, I could still be skinnier.  I could still be curvier, or I could have worn something more flattering.  We’re always kind of picking ourselves apart because that’s what society tells us that we’re supposed to do.  And I find it very frustrating that we have gotten into this narrative on a larger scale that we’re just not good enough.  And all bodies and shapes are sizes are different.  So we should stop trying to fit into this box, you know?

Kristin:  Exactly.  So you were one of the first curve models, and so it seems the body positivity movement didn’t come later on as many women after delivering and accepting the changes in their body, you were one of the earliest advocates?

Amanda:  Right.  For sure.  I mean, I would say there were a handful of women that came before me that are what I would consider plus-size super models.  There was Em.  You know, Ashley Graham has now exploded in her career, and she was modeling probably five or ten years before me.  But it wasn’t really until, I would say, halfway through my career that this idea of body positivity became a little bit more acceptable.  And the interesting thing about the industry, too, is throughout the course of my modeling career, I probably – I’ve been anywhere from a size 8 to a size 16, and, you know, there are constantly shifts in the industry in terms of, oh, well, we want curvy to be a 12.  Oh, we want curvy to be a 16.  Or, oh, we don’t really – we just want you to have, like, larger breasts and larger hips, but we really want you to be, like, an 8, 10.  So, you know, there’s – and I have always been someone who has said, I am not going to gain or lose weight as a curve model.  I will just be whatever I’m going to be in that moment, and you can – as the agency, it’s your job to work me at that size.  But, I mean, so many other models that I work with had such a hard time with that because they would have consistent clients, and they’d be a size 14, and then those clients would all of a sudden say, oh, well, we’re going to start using a size 16 now.  So then they would try to make themselves larger.  And then the industry would shift and be like, oh, well, we want a 12.  And then they had no possible way of all of a sudden losing 30 pounds, right?

Kristin:  Exactly.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Amanda:  So it’s interesting.  The fashion industry has its way of picking trends and sticking to them for short periods of time.  But I will say I have been happy to see within the past, I would say, two to three years, that this whole body positivity movement really seems to be sticking.  So if you look back, too, at some of the plus-size models from the beginning of when I started modeling, whenever you had a plus-size model, they always wanted to make you naked.  So, you know, every editorial you would see would be these plus-size models, like, all sitting next to each other with no clothes on.  And I’d be like, well, why is it that just because we’re curvy, we have to be naked, you know?  What is with that?  I mean, sure, you’re trying to say, oh, your bodies are beautiful or glorified, but it didn’t help to push the, okay, well, let’s incorporate plus-size models into high fashion.  Let’s make sure that they’re being represented where they need to be.  I mean, it’s been an interesting shift to see it go, but I love that I can now walk into a Target, and I can see an unretouched photo of a plus-size model in a bathing suit.  I mean, that’s, like, a huge –

Kristin:  That’s a big change.

Amanda: — difference from when I started.

Kristin:  Yes.  And you started in another high pressure industry.  I mean, as a former TV journalist, there’s still a lot of focus on appearance and size and how you present yourself every day.  So how did that go for you, and how did you transition to modeling?

Amanda:  So the funny thing with the TV reporting business is it’s not as physically driven as you would think.  I mean, I do think in general, of course, they want you to have really great hair and makeup, but there is more of a – they put more emphasis on what your educational background is, which I think is important, and I think that’s what it should be.  So that was an interesting – I would say, speed bump in my career, because I figured out very quickly with the reporting and TV hosting that news was not going to be my thing.  I think people who are TV news reporters are amazing because you have to be emotionally detached from the stories you’re covering, and I figured out pretty quickly that I just wasn’t capable.  I’m someone who’s – I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I’m very open.  I would just get very emotional when I would show up at these news stories and people would be upset.  So I figured out pretty quickly that news was not going to be for me.  But after I transitioned out of news, I went into more of, like, I would say, entertainment, lifestyle reporting.  And that was really fun, and I really enjoyed it.  I was doing a tech segment for MSNBC.  I was doing some guest hosting for MTV.  But then in 2008, the economy crashed, and I was living in New York, and I had rent to pay.  So all of the clients that I had had said, hey, we’d love to keep you on, but we can pay half of what we were paying you before.  And so I started picking up kind of odd jobs, and I did a background job on a television show, which was called Lipstick Jungle.  You remember, it was with Brooke Shields?  Yes, so I was, like – it was a party scene or something, and when you’re an extra on a TV show like that, they don’t really let you leave because they need you for that day, and it needs to be consistent for their shot.  So I ended up sitting in the basement of this church for, I don’t know, six, seven hours, and the guy I sat next to happened to be a photographer, as well as an extra, because he was trying to make money, too.  And he said, hey, I really think you could be a plus-size model.  And I said, what’s a plus-size model?  I mean, I had no idea that there was even such a thing.  And he said, well, you know, I work with Wilhelmina and Ford.  I’ve shot with all these amazing plus-size models, and I think you’d be a really good fit for that market.  So I said, okay.  That’s interesting.  Not something I’d ever considered or thought of doing.  And after that extra job, he took some just random pictures of me to update my head shots, and on one rainy day, Wilhelmina had an open call, and I took those pictures to the agency, and they signed me that day.  So it completely changed my life.  I hadn’t necessarily anticipated that I was going to stop hosting and doing television and start modeling, but at the time, modeling paid so much more than hosting that I was happy to say, okay, I will take the modeling job over the hosting job.  That’s how my career was born.

Kristin:  Love it.  That is so inspiring.  So it just shows that you need to take risks in life.

Amanda:  Yeah, for sure.  And it’s funny because I feel like people underestimate how much can fundamentally change in your life in a short period of time.  I mean, my life really changed overnight just by me being proactive.  I mean, no one was saying, oh, saw me on the street and handed me a card and said you should be a model.  It was, I was proactively looking for work, and I thought, hey, maybe this could work out, and I spent the time and energy trying to pursue it.  And I was also old for being a model, so that also just goes to show you that anything is possible because I started modeling when I was 25.  Most models end their careers at 25.  And I’m still doing it now, and I’m 38.

Kristin:  So do you get into the work-life balance and important decisions that women need to make in The New Mom Code?

Amanda:  I do and I don’t.  I mean, I think the biggest thing that I talk about in the book that touches on this sort of stuff is I talk about burnout.  I talk about juggling, which I think is really important.  But I also talk about how you really need to chase your dreams as an individual, because just because you become a mother doesn’t mean that you have to give up the dreams that you have.  You can use the dreams that you have to be an inspiration to your child.  So, you know, I really do talk about all of those things, but I do talk a lot about balancing, because I talk about how to juggle and different ways you can juggle and how you deal with burnout, because I think both of those things are really important when it comes to being a working mom.

Kristin:  Exactly.  And there’s so much talk about self-care, you know, now especially with the pandemic, but burnout and really prioritizing your needs and communicating what you need from friends and family and your spouse is so important.

Amanda:  I completely agree.  And I think the thing is, too – and I’ve had a couple conversations about this on my Instagram Lives recently, but it’s the fact of asking for help.  People are always very reticent to ask for help, and we need to get over that being stigmatized.  Because for the most part, your friends and family want to help.  They’re just not really sure how to help.  So instead of allowing yourself to get to a point where you’re so severely burnt out that you are having, you know, anxiety and depression, it’s important to notice that you are getting so burnt out that you need help and recognizing when you need help and getting the help that you need.  So, you know, it’s hard to sometimes ask for help, but it makes a world of difference in your mental health if you’re willing and able to do it.

Kristin:  Agreed.

Amanda:  And I have to say – so another friend of mine who is a prenatal yoga teacher and she just recently became a doula, as well, and she’s in Santa Monica, California – she had the best idea I’d heard in a long time when it came to asking for help, which is, instead of, you know, telling your friends that you just need help, they’re not really sure what they need to do.  So what she has done, she’s created a list of things.  She sits down with her clients and says, okay, what things do you need to do throughout the day?  So does that mean you need to take the dog out?  Does that mean you need someone to take the trash out?  Does that mean you need someone to wipe down the kitchen counters?  What are those everyday, daily activities, right?  And you take them and you write down all the things that you need to do, and then you post them on your refrigerator.  So then when a friend comes over to help with the baby or wants to help you, you can say, if you could just do one of the things on my refrigerator, that would be super helpful.  Right?  Because people don’t way to say, oh, would you mind taking my trash out, right?  That feels uncomfortable.  Whereas if you just say, oh, could you do one of those things on my list, there’s no problem.  Your friend would be happy to take your trash out, right?  So I love that idea of kind of creating a list that you could either send to friends or post on your refrigerator when they came over that were actually things that would help you when you were in the thick of it or you were really burnt out.

Kristin:  Because otherwise you feel like you’re entertaining your friends, and you – if you need to feed, it’s uncomfortable to walk away.  You want your house to be spotless.  So it’s nice to really have options for our friends and family.

Amanda:  I agree.

Kristin:  So Amanda, how can our listeners find your book outside of – I know you’re, you know, number one new book on Amazon, but where else can they find The New Mom Code?

Amanda:  So you can find The New Mom Code on Barnes and Noble as well as Amazon.  And you can find it pretty much where any books are sold.  We just also did the release on iBooks as well, so pretty much any online platform, you can find it there.  And if you want to learn more about me, you can find me on Instagram @amandatice, or you can go to my website.

Kristin:  Love it.  So are you doing a book launch, or what are you doing to promote The New Mom Code?

Amanda:  So I just had a book launch party last week, which was great because it was a self-care event for moms, powered by moms.  It was great.  I had a bunch of mom-owned businesses all come together and have this amazing self-care event.  But I think for the future, I’m for sure going to be doing more book signings, and hopefully some workshops and events that are down the pipeline.

Kristin:  Well, I will share that with our doula clients and our Becoming students and our listeners when I get more info on upcoming events.

Amanda:  I’m all about it.  I’m excited for the next chapter and, you know, more than anything, I’m just really excited to get my message out because I just feel like so many new moms are struggling and feeling alone and isolated, and this book is really all about combatting that and making sure that women are really getting the attention that they deserve.

Kristin:  Exactly.  Well, I’m so happy that you put The New Mom Code out into the world.  It’s so needed.

Amanda:  Thank you.  And thank you so much for having me.  I really appreciate being on your show.

Kristin:  Yeah.  I appreciate you coming on.  Do you have any final tips for our listeners, Amanda?

Amanda: I guess my final tip is really to not lose yourself in the process of becoming a mom.  Being a mom is wonderful and I think if that is your dream is just to be the most wonderful mom you can be, that’s amazing.  But if you have other dreams and goals, it’s also important to listen to yourself and listen to your intuition and chase your own dreams, as well.

Kristin:  Very wise advice.  Thank you so much!

Amanda:  Thank you!

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

Juliet Meyer shares her personal preeclampsia story with Kristin that led to her work with the Preeclampsia Foundation.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello, hello.  This is Kristin with Ask the Doulas, and I’m joined today by Juliet Meyer, and Juliet is the director of the West Michigan Promise Walk for Preeclampsia and is also involved in the Preeclampsia Foundation.  Welcome, Juliet!

Juliet:  Thank you for having me!

Kristin:  So excited to have you here.  So I would love to start out by having you share a bit about your own personal journey with preeclampsia.

Juliet:  Yeah.  First of all, I’d just like to state, you know, I’m not a medical professional.  I’m just a survivor that works with my MFM and I’m educated and trained through the Preeclampsia Foundation.  But with that, I have survived one of the hardest things I’ve gone through in life, and that was giving birth to my daughter at 30 weeks gestation, and that was due to preeclampsia.  It was a very, very long recovery.  It happened so suddenly, and it really is just so unknown to everyone who encounters this, and it’s so scary.  I was blessed to have such a great team of doctors behind me to pick up on it so quickly and get me the recovery and the help that I needed to be able to deliver my daughter safely.  It was a very long process, and they don’t take anything with this lightly, and so it’s so, so crucial for women to just be on top of this and to understand their bodies so that they can understand what to look for that doesn’t seem right to them.

Kristin:  Yes.  And so for those of our listeners who don’t know what preeclampsia is, could you give us a brief definition, the signs, and some of the risks once a birthing person develops preeclampsia?

Juliet:  Yeah.  Preeclampsia is a life-threatening disorder of pregnancy and postpartum period that can affect both the mother and the unborn baby.  All pregnancies are at risk of preeclampsia, up to 1 in 12 women who are pregnant, which is about roughly 300,000 pregnancies each year.  There are many, many different signs to look for with this.  It can accelerate quickly to a life-threatening situation.  And these symptoms can include swelling, sudden weight gain, unrelenting headaches, extreme shortness of breath, water retention, pain in the upper abdomen, and changes in vision are the big signs to look out for.

Kristin:  Yes.  So the Preeclampsia Foundation also deals with other hypertensive disorders, correct?

Juliet:  Yes.  We do a lot of work with the HELLP syndrome and eclampsia, as well.

Kristin:  And would you mind defining those, Juliet?

Juliet:  Yeah, HELLP syndrome is very similar to preeclampsia in the fact that it’s also very difficult to pick up, and that is more of hemolysis or your elevated liver enzymes and low platelet count.  Those are some of the top things with HELLP syndrome.  And eclampsia is just more of the seizures that can occur during a woman’s pregnancy or shortly after giving birth, which also can follow with preeclampsia, as well.

Kristin:  Yes.  And so as you know a bit about my story, I also had preeclampsia, but it was later in pregnancy than you experienced.  So as you stated with those numbers, it’s more common than one would think, and eclampsia is such a lesser-known experience, but I’ve had clients have eclampsia, and so I’m so grateful for the work the Foundation’s doing and the education that you’re providing on all the hypertensive disorders.

Juliet:  Yes.  We are so happy to have created this Foundation back in 2000.  We are the only national 501(c)(3) nonprofit patient advocacy organization serving the 5 to 8% of pregnant women, and so we really pride ourselves in our medical board that oversees everything we do with the top medical and scientific experts in preeclampsia and HELPP and eclampsia, as well.

Kristin:  So it’s not only research-based, and you have information not only for pregnant individuals but also for healthcare professionals, correct?

Juliet:  Yes.  We really rely on our medical staff and the medical staff that cares for the pregnant women to be trained and educated to catch this and to also rely back to us on what they’re seeing out in the field and what the numbers are and all of that kind of stuff.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Kristin:  So what led you to getting involved in the Foundation, of all the things you could give your time and talents to, Juliet?

Juliet: I was one of the many people who get very frustrated with the “I don’t know” answer from doctors, and that’s a lot of what I got with my experience with preeclampsia, because it’s so unknown, even to our medical staffs.  I really wanted to take this horrible experience that I had and really turn it into a more beautiful, blossoming story that I can be a part of this footprint that we are leaving in pregnant women and help anyone that goes through this and be a person to listen to and understand what someone goes through.  Everyone at the Foundation is amazing.  They do amazing work and are just so genuine, and they’re just the best listening ears.  That really makes a difference in someone, especially like me, who had this nightmare happen, and now I can just walk with them and help guide women who are just as frustrated and scared as I was.

Kristin:  I know I was scared.  So it is wonderful to have this type of support.  When I went through pregnancy and was on bedrest with preeclampsia, I really didn’t know anyone who’d gone through a similar circumstance and didn’t have a network.  So I’m thankful that this exists.

Juliet:  Yes.

Kristin:  So Juliet, as the director of the West Michigan Promise Walk for Preeclampsia, I would love to get more details on that for our audience.

Juliet:  Yeah.  So our promise walk is happening July 2nd, 2022.  We will be at Millennium Park in Walker at the Grant Pavilion, and this is going to be the first walk back in Michigan in a few years here.  We are just setting up for a great day full of wonderful memories to make and be encouraged.  You know, moms to be or moms with kids or just any family who has been affected by this, or you know someone – we just want to come out as a community and walk together to raise money and raise awareness for this and just join together as a whole unit and celebrate our lives and our children and that we can get through this preeclampsia pandemic.

Kristin:  I’m excited to walk as a survivor, and Gold Coast is thrilled to be a sponsor of the walk, as well.

Juliet:  Yes, we love that Gold Coast is sponsoring us, and everything that you guys have done to help sponsor us is phenomenal, and we thank you for your contribution to the Foundation.

Kristin:  We are so thrilled to be able to give back in this way.  So Juliet, there are Promise Walks all over the country, correct?  So our listeners, of course, live all over the world, so I would love some more info about how you can find a Promise Walk near you.

Juliet:  Yeah.  You can go to our website, and there you can click on our Promise Walk locations, and you can search anywhere in the United States.  I believe we have at least one in big major cities around the country right now.

Kristin:  Wonderful.  And then your website can also give, again, research and support for healthcare professionals, as well as women?

Juliet:  Correct, yes.  We have all of our information on our website.  You can read our purpose, what we do.  We do have all of our highlights and our numbers out there for everyone to be able to read, and it’s just a great resource for women to go and look over, even if they don’t have it.  It’s just something that they can read about and be aware.

Kristin:  Yes.  So you also have a local Facebook page for the walk, correct?

Juliet:  Yes.  Our local Facebook page is the West Michigan Promise Walk for Preeclampsia.  We have the little footprint logo as our profile picture.  In there, we just update everyone with things going on with our walk and in our community, and we just keep everyone updated with new information.  We’re still coming out with fun things that we’re going to be doing at the walk, and we just can’t wait to share those with everyone on there.

Kristin:  Thank you.  Any final tips for our listeners in regards to, again, symptoms of preeclampsia or prevention?

Juliet:  Yeah.  We just want to make everyone aware that all pregnancies are at risk for this, and that preeclampsia research is drastically underfunded.  The research needed to elucidate the cause, to develop better diagnostic tools and effective interventions and to fully understand the effects of preeclampsia on the women and babies’ long-term health is so crucial.  And so if you can get out there and just donate or get in contact with someone in the Foundation and see what you can do to help, it’s more than we can ask for.

Kristin:  Wonderful.  Thank you for sharing your story and all of the advocacy that you’re doing.  We really appreciate it, Juliet.

Juliet:  Thank you so much for having me.

Kristin:  And I’ll see you in July at the Promise Walk!

Juliet:  We can’t wait to see you!

Check out our other posts about preeclampsia here and here.

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.

Elizabeth King, Fertility Coach, shares helpful tips and resources for those who are struggling with conception and loss.  You can listen to this complete podcast on iTunes, SoundCloud, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome.  You’re listening to Ask the Doulas, a podcast where we talk to experts from all over the country about topics related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and early parenting.  Let’s chat!

Kristin:  Hello, everyone.  I’m here today with Elizabeth King, and she’s a certified fertility health coach.  Welcome, Elizabeth!

Elizabeth:  Thank you so much.  I’m happy to be here.

Kristin:  Love to hear more about your background as a coach and some of your related certifications.

Elizabeth:  Yeah, so I have been a certified life coach since 2008 and focused on that side of things in relationships, body image issues, things like that.  And the reason I stayed that versus a business coach, it was very much more mind, body, spirit mental health related, and when I was starting the process of my own journey through fertility at age – well, really 39 – well, actually 36 – at 36, I froze my eggs.  I was single at 36.  So I guess it depends on how far you want to go back.  But at 39, I had a fibroid surgery in order to remove some fibroids, and at age 40, I started to try to conceive after that was done and had got pregnant with my first son and had a loss after that, and that’s really when I had the lightbulb moment of, you know, women, and men for that matter, need to be supported through this journey.  There’s nothing really that prepares you for this experience.  I was in one medical bed getting ready to have a D&C and four feet next to me between a drape, a fabric drape, was another couple that was getting ready to do their first round of IVF.  So they were so excited.  We were so devastated.  And that huge difference really hit home to me of, you know, there needs to be support for both ends of this, right?  I had been there.  I had been at a point where I had eggs retrieved, so I knew what that was like, and I now was in this other situation that no one in my life had ever told me about before.  No one had said to me that they had had a miscarriage or knew somebody that did.  Of course, after I did, I heard it a lot, but it was really a new conversation for me to have and new feelings to have.  So that’s really when I shifted all of my energy to focusing on this community, of supporting women through their fertility journey.  And through that and the losses and whatnot, I had had some clients that – really, how it worked, I should say – I should stop myself – was a friend would say to another friend that just had a loss, you should contact Elizabeth.  She’s a life coach.  She can help you through this.  And that’s – the ball started rolling from that.  Prior to that, I would visit doctors with clients for their IVF consultations to help them to determine what questions to ask, help them figure out, is this a right fit for them because, you know, most of the time, we think our first stop is where we need to be when that’s not the case.  You know, you are interviewing the doctors, and sometimes to have somebody with you who’s educated in that realm helps you to have a little bit more confidence and power in doing that and making those decisions to say no, this isn’t a right fit for me or whatnot.  And then going through late term losses with some of my clients really is what pushed me to do the birth and bereavement certification, so you asked about that.  That’s – and having a good friend also go through a 23-week loss really made me realize, as much as I had been helping women that were going through early losses, the late losses and the stillbirth was, like, a whole different ballgame.  So I spent some time in that a little bit, and then new parent education.  So being a mom of three within three years and hiring a lot of people myself and going through a lot of things to try to figure stuff out, I now kind of help men and women, again, who are third trimester just to tee them up for success before baby comes.  So that’s the umbrella of all of that stuff.  Sounds like a mouthful.

Kristin:  I love it.  What an amazing journey.  And it seemed like you got into coaching very early, and it’s so popular now.  And, you know, fertility doulas and coaches are a newer profession, so I love that you got into this work very organically versus just taking a training, and you have that personal experience to be able to relate to your clients.

Elizabeth:  Yeah, it’s funny.  When I first did it, it wasn’t really popular.  I’m from California, live in California, and we would joke that people would think you live in California, you eat sushi and you have a life coach.  And now it’s like, you know, every other person is a life coach, which is great.  I’m all about the more the merrier to help people in whatever way that that looks like.

Kristin:  So I would love to – we’ve had quite a few clients request our support pre-conception, and we don’t have fertility doulas at Gold Coast.  So we’ve always given them resources, but we’ve had clients with secondary infertility that had no problem conceiving the first time and then they’re struggling with fertility the second time around.  So I’d love for you to address that issue.

Elizabeth:  I’m happy to.  Secondary infertility is tough because it comes with a lot of different aspects that most people don’t really think about as far as, there’s judgment from outside people that you already have a baby, so be happy with what you have, essentially.  You’re very consumed with trying to conceive when you have another little one, which then you have this guilt of, why am I not just present and grateful for the one that I have.  And at what point should I keep going on this or not keeping going on this, even though my heart is telling me that I should keep going?  So it’s a fine line to walk for some people, and my thought on it all is, one – having one child doesn’t discount the yearning for another.  So if that’s what’s in your heart and what you’re being called to do, don’t let anybody or anything tell you anything different, right?  And it can be very confusing and hard mentally for people because they feel like, my body did this before.  I know what to do.  Like, it should just happen, right, and why isn’t it happening?  And that can be a whole other level of working through self-love and working with connecting with your body and figuring out what may have happened between pregnancy number one and now that could be blocking you, and there’s a lot of things.  You show up so different after you’ve already had a baby.  You’re tired.  Your body has been drained in a lot of ways.  And there’s also – we hear so many people that are like, you know, I wasn’t even trying, and I got pregnant right again after my first baby, and it was so easy.  I always say to people, you can’t undo what you hear or read, so you take that on of, like, this expectation on yourself that it should be something that it isn’t, and it’s not so easy to take somebody away from that perspective of what they think in their head of what it should be.  So it comes with a very heavy heart and a heavy situation with somebody that’s going through secondary infertility, and I only say that so that anybody who’s listening who is going through that, they realize that, don’t downplay it if you’re feeling stressed about not being able to get pregnant.  It is hard.  You have the right to feel not okay in this situation, but at the same time, there’s a lot of things that we can do to figure out what’s going on.  And I’m the first one to say, don’t waste time, if you don’t want to wait a long time to do that, and a long time is a year if you’re under 35, six months if you’re over 35.  And, you know, when you want to have a baby, six months feels like six years before you’re supposedly able to go see a doctor.  Especially, again, with secondary infertility.  There’s usually something going on, and you can either tell how your periods have come back.  So are they regular?  Are they heavier, not as heavy as they were before?  What was your birth situation like?  Could there be scar tissue there?  And there’s other things – and there’s ways that you can figure out what’s happening that way.

Hey, Alyssa here.  I’m just popping in to tell you about our course called Becoming.  Becoming A Mother is your guide to a confident pregnancy and birth all in a convenient six-week online program, from birth plans to sleep training and everything in between.  You’ll gain the confidence and skills you need for a smooth transition to motherhood.  You’ll get live coaching calls with Kristin and myself, a bunch of expert videos, including chiropractic care, pelvic floor physical therapy, mental health experts, breastfeeding, and much more.  You’ll also get a private Facebook community with other mothers going through this at the same time as you to offer support and encouragement when you need it most.  And then of course you’ll also have direct email access to me and Kristin, in addition to the live coaching calls.  If you’d like to learn more about the course, you can email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com, or check it out at www.thebecomingcourse.com.  We’d love to see you there.

Elizabeth:  But I’m all about going to see a fertility doctor, getting a baseline, see what’s in there, see what’s happening in there.  Is there something that you don’t know that you’re not working with?  And people have this fear around that sometimes of, well, if I go to a fertility doctor, that means I’m going to be doing IVF.  Absolutely not.  But they do specialize in this, so compared to going to your OB who didn’t do that extra bit of studying around this, they’re going to be able to tell you exactly what you need to be doing and whether that’s, like, no, everything’s good; it’s unexplained infertility; or, yeah, there is scar tissue there, or you do have a blockage, or, you know, something like that.  So you’re not banging your head against the wall wondering what’s happening because you know what your baseline is.  You know where you’re starting from.  And people think they’re not entitled or able to go to a fertility doctor if they already have a baby because they feel like they’re not worthy enough, right?  Who am I to go in that door when these people can’t even have one child, and I already have mine here sitting next to me, you know?  So I just want to tell people to be easy on yourself with that, and don’t let – don’t take any of that in.

Kristin:  That’s perfect advice.  It’s so challenging.  And with the fertility centers around us in Michigan, they had closed down during part of COVID, so there was that stress.  I was leading a fertility support group, and women were in the process of treatment and had to delay things, and there was that added stress.  So are you noticing more emotionally or any fertility issues with your clients related to the pandemic?

Elizabeth:  Yeah.  I mean, for sure.  That’s the first time I’ve heard anything where people had to stop mid-cycle because most states, you know, they would finish out who they were already doing, and then unfortunately, yes, they had to take, like, a six- to eight-week break in between, but that’s heartbreaking to hear for people.  Yeah, it has, because – so studies show that you’re 55% more likely to conceive if you are doing some sort of mental work, which is why I stress that so much with my clients.  That’s a huge part of what we do.  After we figure out, are there any red flags on your blood work, what are your supplements looking like, what’s your lifestyle looking like, all of that, and then we circle back to, 95% of it around the mental, because studies show that you’re more likely to conceive, hence the fact that people are always like, oh, just relax.  But when you’re trying, you want to punch someone in the face because it’s not possible, right?  So we go through tools to help them through that.  And through COVID, because so much of it was out of our control, and a lot of people lost that little support that they did have from their partners.  So they would go into their appointments with their partners.  They would have that support of somebody holding their hand and being next to them, that whether that person really was engaged or not engaged or understood what was happening or not, physically having someone there is a calming agent and does help you figure out, okay, what did they just say when we walked out of this doctor’s appointment and you can bounce it off somebody.  So the level of stress in regards to the pandemic in that regard, of feeling even more isolated than you would normally going through infertility, has been – you know, it’s substantial.  And whatever – you can say whatever, but having your partner on facetime when you’re in the doctor’s office is not the same, especially if you have PTSD from a previous loss and you’re trying to go through, you know, the ins and outs of bloodwork and ultrasounds and then subsequent pregnancies and hoping that that one is viable and all the things.  It’s been really sad, in my mind, to know that these people have to be going through it themselves.  I would get calls from doctors’ offices that I partner with of, you know, we just did an ultrasound, and unfortunately there was no heartbeat, and the husband’s in the parking lot on facetime.  Can you please – you know, here’s their number; they would like you to call them.  And that’s heartbreaking.  I mean, I can’t imagine going through my losses without my husband next to me.  To think, like, he’s in the parking lot in the car getting this information?  It’s hard for both.  It’s isolating for both.  The partners feel even more distant from the females that are going through it that are actually in the offices and whatnot.  So yes, to answer – to very long answer to your question, it’s been a difficult aspect, for sure.

Kristin:  So walk us through – you’ve described a bit about the coaching process, but yeah, if you’d fill our audience in on what it’s like to work with you, how you begin the process, and how long the average client stays with you.

Elizabeth:  Yeah, so it all depends on what stage they come to see me.  So I have some that are trying naturally, and they’ve been trying for six-plus months and just feel like nothing’s really happening, so we really hone in on, again, looking at their blood work.  Is there any red flags there?  So is the thyroid normal, their D3, is their testosterone, everything in line?  And if there’s something that looks like it might be a little off, to send them back with that question to their doctor.  Can you rerun this panel?  Can you look to see if this is fine or not fine?  And surprisingly enough, they don’t notice it as much as they should.  I hate to say that.  As well as getting their bloodwork done on the correct day.  So as you know, it should be day 2 or day 3 of your cycle in order to really get an accurate picture of what’s happening from your reproductive hormones and everything.  So we make sure that everyone has everything in line for that, and that’s just across the board, whether you’re trying to get pregnant naturally, if you’re going to do an IUI cycle, or you’re getting ready to do an IVF and cycle with retrieving eggs, et cetera.  And then we tailor everybody’s protocol for their supplements to each person.  So based on what that is – so some people may have low D3 and some people have normal to high D3, but everybody needs it, so we make sure that that’s in line.  Are they taking CoQ10 for egg health?  Are they already taking things that they shouldn’t be taking, and they need to be replacing it with something else?  Is their testosterone high?  So we want to make sure they’re not taking something like DHEA because that’s going to cause it to be even more so.  So we look through all those things.  We do a food sensitivity panel so that we eliminate any foods that would be causing inflammation in their body.  I’m a big, big proponent of not doing strict fertility diets because most of my clients have some sort of issue around food.  So if we’re restricting them in some form or fashion because they’re trying to get pregnant, it causes their body more stress because they’re holding on so tight to, I can’t have dairy; I can’t have gluten; I can’t have sugar; I can’t have any of these things.  When in fact, unless you have an underlying condition or a food sensitivity to some of those, they’re fine for you, right?  So they can spends tens of thousands of dollars on fertility diets, but then come to me, and we work through, again, the mental aspect of that, and they end up pregnant within one to two cycles.  So it’s really about, what is going to balance those cortisol levels and the adrenals and make sure that they’re at a balanced place because, again, those hormones that signal from your brain to your reproductive system matter so much, and the fertility clinics and whatever, they don’t focus on that.  They focus on, what does it look like inside in there today, and what does your bloodwork look like.  They don’t ask you, how stressed are you and what are you doing to prevent your stress.  So we talk about that.  I send people to acupuncture that, you know, of course, fertility acupuncture to – we work through whatever tools work for that particular person, so for some, affirmations work or vision statements.  For some it’s like, you may as well tell me I’m going to the grocery store.  Like, that does nothing for me.  Some people, it’s journaling.  Some people, it’s meditating.  Some, it’s – I have some clients that love cooking, so when they are triggered, they go to look for a recipe, and then they know they’re going to be cooking that later.  I really focus on creating, because when you are trying to create a human being, you want your body and your soul and your spirit to be in a space of creating every day.  So I’m not trying to conceive myself right now, but I choose to color or do coloring books or dance.  So I really focus in on all of my clients, what is going to be their creative outlet, because we are going to create a baby, and in doing so, we’re putting it out there that you are creating.

Kristin:  I love it.

Elizabeth:  Yeah, so that’s a big focus on what we do, and I work with them through their whole process.  So unlike therapy where you’re talking on Tuesday at 3:00 every week, it’s via Voxer, so, yes, we do meet once weekly, but we also talk in between.  So if you’ve ever experienced – you know, maybe you’re taking the pregnancy test that day, and you’re super depressed because it came back negative.  So we work together via voice memo to say, what do we need to do to pull yourself up because we don’t want to stay in that space too long.  Yes, it’s disappointing, and yes, we’re going to be sad about it, but we’re not going to be sad about it all day.  And so we go through a certain program that helps them consciously choose the thoughts that they have in their brain to help them to get through that.  And that can be working with weight loss or relationships or whatever.  I use this same model through all of those things.  And that really is kind of the game changer with people, having the tools so that they can pull themselves out of situations.  So, again, if their sister-in-law announced that she’s pregnant, you know, that’s a trigger for a lot of people.  Or the back to school stuff or Christmas cards that are starting to come soon with everybody’s families on them.  So it’s knowing what works for you to keep you in a space of knowing, okay, this is what I need to start doing now.  And also we work through a deep dive session where they have a plan.  So it’s either based on time frame, so we’re going to give ourselves two months, six months, whatever, or based on procedure.  So we’re going to do two IUIs, and then we’re going to go to IVF or whatever.  And then I help work with them to make those decisions of what the right place in time to shift to the next thing may be.  So if they’re told that they need to do an egg donor, perhaps, that’s a really big decision to come to.  So we work through a lot of that as far as connecting them with other people that have had donor conception, so they see, you know, that love does not change.  It’s much easier than you expect it to be.  And really working through a lot of those heavy things that come up when you are going through alternative methods, again, whether that’s egg donor, sperm donor, embryo adoption, or regular, traditional adoption.  So everybody comes with something different, so I meet them wherever they are in different aspects, and we work from there.

Kristin:  It sounds like your clients are all over the country versus local to California?

Elizabeth:  Actually, all over the world, yes.  I have two new mamas that just delivered in Israel the last month and a half, which is awesome.  One’s a single-by-choice mama, which is so cool to see.  I’m all about, you know, not letting that pass you by just because you don’t have a partner.  And I have a lot of clients in the UK, in South Africa, in Australia.  So, yeah, all over the place.

Kristin:  That’s so lovely.  And so how do our clients through Gold Coast and, of course, our listeners through the podcast reach out to you?  I know you’ve got a lot of different channels, but what are your preferred methods of contact?

Elizabeth:  Direct contact for us to meet on my website would be a ten-minute discovery call, and that’s basically if you – we meet and discuss what your issue is and see if that’s a good fit for you, for both of us.  And, again, I just want to reiterate, too: find the person, the coach, that you feel comfortable with.  It doesn’t have to be me, but there’s so many amazing people out there right now that are willing to help you, and you don’t have to be going through this alone.  So search somebody that you find, and you’re like, oh, my gosh, this is my person, and I want them to be supporting me through that.  But you can find me on my website, and there’s a ton of resources there as far as free downloads to get information, to book a ten-minute free call to see if there’s a good fit, and also sometimes I have people where all we need is that ten-minute call, actually.  Granted, it goes a little bit longer than that, but we can kind of nail down things a little bit, and then we circle back a few months later and see how it goes.  So I’m also on Instagram, @elizabethking_coaching, and I have a podcast called Pretty Little Tribe.

Kristin:  And I noticed through some of your downloads, you have so much great information on everything from understanding the fertility language to, yeah, just some of the emotions surrounding.  So your site is a great resource for information on your journey.

Elizabeth:  Thank you.  We actually have a new program, too, of certifying other fertility coaches.  As I just mentioned before, I’m happy to have as many out in the world as possible because, unfortunately, it’s such a common thing, infertility.  So if anybody’s listening and feels like they’re on the other side of their journey or they want to add this to what they’re already doing to serve women and support them in that way, we’re now doing the fertility coach academy to certify other fertility coaches.

Kristin:  Well, I will have to spread the word to the doula community.  Thank you so much for sharing.

Elizabeth:  Yes.

Kristin:  Well, it was lovely to talk with you today, Elizabeth.  Thank you and enjoy the rest of your day!

Elizabeth:  Thank you for having me!  You, too.

Thanks for listening to Gold Coast Doulas.  Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.  If you like this podcast, please subscribe and give us a five-star review.  Thank you!  Remember, these moments are golden.